I've been feeling extremely insecure lately.

It's driving me nuts.

♥

Live Today

"Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don't rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you're doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out with Perry?

You're cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you're stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It's now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you'll never know."
- Jerry Spinelli, Love, Stargirl

♥

let's be random

Me: I'm leaving! I have to go to work, bye.
4 year old niece: Are you going to go take pictures now?   (I ♥ her)
Mimi: No. She has to go to work.
Me: *sigh* Mom.... she knows I take pictures for work.
Mimi: Oh.
8 year old nephew #1: Save me some chicken!
Me: Chicken?
8 year old nephew #1: Yeah...like from the buffet
Me: I don't work at a buffet...
8 y.o. nephew #1: oh
Everyone: LOL
Me: Ok, bye...
8 y.o. nephew #2: where do you work?
10 y.o. nephew: a Chinese restaurant!  (glad someone pays attention)
Me: *sigh*....the Chinese restaurant
8 y.o. nephew #2: oh.
My sister: hmmm Chinese food does sound good right now...

Random conversation this morning

♥

I would like to run away now. Do you think we can make that happen? Something isn't right. 

2. Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. -Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

I always forget this.

♥

So Glad I'm In a Good Mood Today

You know I'm starting to feel like myself again when I consider taking a picture of my morning cup of coffee..... or when I pull out my phone and take pictures with it as soon as I wake up, or when I'm done brushing my teeth I decide to water the plants I've been neglecting, or when I decide to meditate, write in my journal, actually eat breakfast, make my bed....

Maybe the last 3 weeks when I've been feeling completely not myself were 3 weeks of me dreading my birthday. I have a completely different attitude today compared to yesterday. I thought I would have to tell people I had a horrible birthday but I don't feel like that now. I feel like I can't complain about it. It may not have been what I hoped for or would have liked but by the end of the day it was good.

This morning as I was writing in my journal I remembered a quote that has something to do with how we suffer when we can't accept things for what they are. I don't remember it exactly but this one is somewhat close to what I was thinking.

"Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'."-Eckhart Tolle

What I was feeling yesterday and the days before I guess could be considered stress... stress in the form of depression and sadness and bitterness and the over usage of the 'f' word. I was a different version of myself last week. The version of myself that can be funny in a bitter kind of way and I curse up a storm when I'm upset and I was almost always upset....so yeah....

It wasn't necessarily a matter of here or there but I was wishing a lot of things would happen a certain way even though I knew they wouldn't. I knew and I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to accept the truth of who my family is so I allowed myself to be upset about it. If I can just learn to accept that things are the way they are I wouldn't find myself so disappointed at the end of the day. I wouldn't find myself anticipating disappointment. It's a terrible way to live.

I'm feeling better today though. I know everything happens in waves. I know that this good feeling I have today will pass just like the terrible feeling I had yesterday passed. I'm just glad for today. I'm glad I'm not feeling completely miserable anymore.

It feels good and I am grateful for this new wave...no matter how long it lasts.

♥

Notes to Self

• do not step on the scale. it will only make your day seem worse.
• do not eat an obscene amount of the kids' fruit snacks.
• stop with the coffee already.
• sleeping helps...a little.
• don't be so picky with your editing.
• get some fresh air.
• share the things that make you smile.
• do not step on that scale..... I mean it!
• listen to some Louis Armstrong, it makes you feel good.
• breathe....you always forget to do that.

♡

Saturday Blues

I'm completely off track with my happiness project and with everything else like meditating and doing my laundry. For some reason my indoor plants aren't doing so well. I can't remember the last time I had water rather than coffee to drink. And I keep having flashbacks....the kind where it's not just my mind that goes somewhere in the past but the way the air feels around me changes and I really actually forget for a brief moment when and where I am.

I guess I'm about to just put my heart all out on this blog today. That's a warning. I'm not sure if I've written about this before or not but it doesn't really matter because I'm going to type my heart out regardless.

Every now and then I get so sad I can barely move. It typically happens on exceptionally beautiful days...like today. As much as I don't like to admit it because I think it's silly...I'm sad because I'm single. For those of you who don't really know me I'm not the kind of girl who has to be in a relationship at all times. I don't jump from one to another. I'm the opposite. I'm the girl who has been single for the majority of her life. Only 2 serious relationships. Anything else was just a brief encounter of some sort. I don't even understand how it appears to happen so easily for other people. Or for those people who do jump from one relationship to another how is it that there's always someone there, there's always a door open when another one closes? When it comes to the world of dating and relationships it's like I'm walking down this ridiculously long doorless and windowless hall way that never freaking ends. I try to tell myself that when the time is right it will happen for me and blah blah blah. But really...what if it's not supposed to? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can turn to for support in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because it's that time of the month and I'm a freaking crazy person who won't stop thinking? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can share my exciting news with or experience fun and happy things with? What if I'm not supposed to have someone in my life who can give me a hug at the end of the day or someone who knows when I need to be babied and when I need a kick in the butt? I mean what if I am supposed to be alone? What if I am supposed to be the only source of support and comfort for myself? What if I'm not supposed to have kids of my own one day? What if I'm not supposed to be in love ever again.

I know if I'm supposed to have all of these things I believe I want then they will happen one day. But the reality of it all is that those things may not be part of what I'm here on this earth for. I don't know what I'm here for and I have no clue what it all entails. I know I'm not supposed to worry but sometimes it's hard. It's hard when I have flashbacks to moments I had with an ex. It's hard when my mind brings me back to a time when I did have someone to hug at the end of the day and I did have someone to just experience life with. It's hard when I have dreams that I'm somewhere else and then I wake up feeling as though I had just been torn away from something or someone important. I wake up feeling like I miss someone terribly and I have no idea who that someone is.

Today my heart aches because I'm lonely and because I feel invisible and ignored. The people who ask how I'm doing don't really want to know and if they knew they wouldn't even know what to say. So it's a beautiful day outside and I'm in here feeling miserable and crying my eyes out. I wish I could change my perspective right now. I wish I could make up my mind to be happy. I wish I could be happy with what I have and where I am right now. But today is just one of those days where it hurts so deeply that I can't get myself out. I know I'll be fine in a few days.

All I can do is wait it out.

♡

It's 10am and in about 20 minutes I'll be leaving for my restaurant job. I can't figure out if I'm just a big baby or if the resistance I'm feeling about this whole thing is valid. I can't tell if it's my intuition telling me to stop...that this wasn't the right choice. Or is the resistance I'm feeling a sign that I am doing the right thing right now. Right now I feel like the major upside to this job is the money. I also feel like money should not be the driving force in my decisions. I'm technically working part time...but it's the closest thing to full time kind of part time. I'm only 10 hours short of being full time. My feet are still sore just from all the standing I did last week. (I hope this isn't considered complaining...because I just took a 31 day challenge to stop complaining. I guess the challenge doesn't really start until May 1st though....haha)  Anyway my original reason for posting real quick was not to complain. It was to brag about how packed my day has been already and it's only 10.

So here you go

• My alarm went off at 7am because I had a plan for this morning. I was going to wake up early so I could fit a workout in before work. The alarm went of at 7 I hit snooze twice and then I threw myself out of bed around 7:15 because I had to do this. 
• I ate some cheerios and a banana.
• I got dressed to go for a walk and lathered on the sunscreen.
• I went to the park and walked for 30 minutes...my legs are sore.
• I drove to the bank.
• I came home and took a shower.
• I made myself a cup of coffee.
• I got dressed for work.
• Then I had some time to look through my email and Facebook.
• And now I'm here posting this.
•  I need to get going....lucky for me it only takes about 3 minutes to drive to the restaurant.

Happy Monday!

♥

Yay! It's Friday

I carried my water and coffee to my room this morning feeling slightly grumbly and anticipating how the day may play out. I thought to myself TGIF....then I realized it's been a really long time since I've actually been able to celebrate, along with most people in the world, this brief holiday that appears at the end of every week. At 4pm today I'll be done. I'll be done for the 3 minutes it takes for me to get to my house from the new job I have. Then I'll walk in the door and everyone will demand my attention, just like yesterday. One nephew asking me for help with the computer, another asking me questions about my job, my mom telling me one story after another, another nephew wanting me to sit and watch him play a game, my mom asking me to do her a favor..... all before I have a chance to breathe or take my shoes off or change into my pajamas. (I change my clothes as soon as I get home from anywhere. It's a comfort thing) All of this before I have a chance to wash my hands or use the bathroom or even breathe. I finally sit down briefly only to get up again for something else. Then I have to listen to all of the complications that go along with getting two 8 year olds ready for baseball practice. Then we get to have a mini celebration for the 10 year old's birthday. After that I sit for an hour or two. The first time I've been able to sit since 10:30 in the morning. Then I have to get up again so I can attempt to clean an entire 4 bedroom house all on my own. I only make it through the living room and part of the kitchen before I have to call it quits. I over eat my feelings in pizza and drown myself in show after show I have saved to the DVR.

This is my life right now. I'm not married, I don't own a house and I don't have any kids....but somehow I feel like how my day went yesterday is similar to what  a lot of parents deal with on a regular basis. I'm not sure how they do it and I don't feel right venting to them about my day. A lot of my friends are parents. I can't vent to them about it because they'll have no clue why I'm being such a baby. Then I remind myself that I have a right to be a little frustrated and tired about it all because my life isn't their life. Like I said...I don't have kids and I'm single and if I lived on my own I wouldn't choose to live in a 4 bedroom house that I couldn't keep up with.

I'm not going to say it's easy to stay happy when you don't have a lot of things going on in your life or responsibilities. I'm not going to say it was easier for me to be happy before I decided to throw another job into the mix. A job where I work 30 hours a week in a restaurant. But the thought did cross my mind for a brief moment....well, no wonder I was able to focus on my happiness project and no wonder I could find a way to calm myself and no wonder it was easier for me to sit down and think about what I was actually feeling rather than just reacting. No wonder I was feeling happier....I had time to do whatever the heck I wanted. I was in charge of my schedule. Unfortunately I wasn't making enough money doing that.

So here I am.

Stuck between trying to understand if I could have made it work without taking on another job, the whole accepting what you have thing and you have everything you need, I always have enough....stuck between all of that and the fact that we have to make money in order to live in the world that we are in.

Or I could view this as an opportunity to continue growing.

The job was presented to me for a reason and that reason isn't all about money I'm sure. I'm sure I can grow from this. Living a happy and wholehearted life isn't easy ever really.....but looking back on it now it did seem "easier" a week ago before I started this other job. And what I'm trying to get at I guess...is when your life is pretty consistent and you get comfortable the important thing is remembering how to stay positive and actively continue to stay on the path that you were on when there are challenges and changes being thrown at you.

It's not easy to stay happy regardless of what kind of life you lead. It is easy, I think, to go from being happy positive and connected to cranky, grumbly, jaded and disconnected. It's easy to start complaining about things. It's easy to tell yourself you don't have time for anything. It's easy to get upset about the changes that have appeared...even if you're the one who consciously invited the changes in.

So I started working on Monday and today is Friday. It hasn't even been a week yet and I'm exhausted. My body aches and when I wake up in the morning I'm slightly grouchy about it all. I sit at my computer dreaming of the days when I woke up and did absolutely nothing in the morning except enjoy the light coming through my window, the flowers in my room, and a hot cup of coffee. This morning I decided to take a picture of the light and the flowers and instagram it....to prove to myself that I can still do the things that make me happy. I'm hoping that I can get into the groove of things and still continue to do everything I was doing before. The only difference is that it will now have a little more structure to it. It's going to take work though. I'll have to fight the urges to sleep a little longer and I'll have to fight the urge to eat a poptart or something and still cook myself breakfast. I'll have to fight the urge to come home and immediately lay in bed. I'll have to fight the urge to skip my workouts. Fight the urge to eat my feelings. I'll have to work even harder at taking the time to meditate and write and work on the projects that bring me joy and I'll have to work harder at appreciating the time I do get to spend with all of my nephews and nieces.

It's going to be hard and it's going to be a lot of work.....but this is nothing new to me. Life is always a lot of work. Once your mind is open and you're more aware of yourself and the things around you there's no way to really turn that off.

I have to get going now... I'm gonna go work my 5.5 hour shift (which is totally short) and I'm going to work it and live in that moment as if it's a moment I specifically chose for myself to live...and the truth is I did choose it. Maybe I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into when I chose it, but I chose it. I'm going to try my hardest to remain positive and happy today....even if my feet are killing me right now, haha.

♥

There's a Part of Me That Feels Afraid to Actually Post This

Last night it hit me.

I couldn't find anything to watch on tv so I decided to read. I'm almost done with The Gifts of Imperfection but I haven't touched it in about two weeks so I decided I would dive in. I had a hard time reading though. I became extremely anxious and could barely focus on the words on the page. I managed to get through Guideposts 7 & 8 before I had to put the book down. I was trying to understand why I felt so restless. How come I was so into this book before and now I wasn't anymore. I wasn't interested in reading any of the books I had bought recently and lately I wasn't interested in reading any of the blogs I follow that usually bring me some sort of inspiration.

That's when it hit me. That's when I realized I wasn't interested in learning anymore or growing or feeling any pain. Reading that book and those blogs meant I would have to do more growing and I didn't want to. For weeks now I've been feeling disconnected...partly because I let the voice in my head take over with all of it's negative thoughts and words and partly because I just let it happen. It's a defense mechanism to run away into that "comfort" of being a negative nancy and sad and depressed. It means the only person capable of hurting me is myself. I think I got overwhelmed with all of the soul searching and spiritual growth just self awareness that I decided to shut down.

Maybe I realized I was really opening up so I decided to shut it down. The part of me that shut it down is this part of me that is so deeply rooted that it's hiding under all of the negative thoughts. It's what fuels those negative thoughts that appear on the surface. It's buried so deep I didn't even realize it was there. It's the core of it all. All of the pain and fear. Right now in this moment even I can feel it now. It's getting anxious and restless and I can almost physically feel it twisting inside of me very close to my heart. At the very same time and in almost exactly the same spot I can feel love.

Love is calm and the fear is anxious.

The thought of being in love scares the crap out of me. Whether it's in love with another person or just life in general. It scares me. Being in love means I can be broken again at some point. I remember too clearly what it feels like to be heart broken. The thought of it causes me physical pain.

So last night I realized I decided to put things on hold. I decided to take a breather from growing and learning in the hopes that I could get a break. So I wouldn't feel like I was receiving life lesson after life lesson on a minute to minute basis. I was on life lesson and self awareness overload. It can be exhausting. It can be hard work. It can be painful. It can also lead to peace love and happiness....which is freaking scary sometimes.

So I've been feeling disconnected because apparently I disconnected myself. I don't know if I'm ready to reconnect right now but I know I have to soon. I know it doesn't do any good to just be stuck. It doesn't do any good to stop yourself from growing. I believe in growth. I believe that it's necessary and that it's good. Maybe I need a new approach. Maybe I just need to be open to letting it come to me naturally rather than constantly looking for it and basically shouting to the universe "hey! over here, pass it to me! I'm open." Or maybe I do have to shout it out, maybe it's the only way?

It's kind of funny that right now I can't help but smile and laugh a little. Obviously there is a way to grow from every experience. Even the experience of disconnection. Honestly right now I feel like maybe I've grown a little just in the time between now and when I first started typing this post out.
I don't know why I always feel surprised when I experience something like this. It's kind of amazing actually. I'm feeling so much better right now than I did at the beginning of this. One day I'll learn the big lesson. You know....... that I have nothing to worry about.

♥

Update! and some other randomness....

Woop! woop! I didn't have a run scheduled for today but I did have a walk scheduled. It was supposed to rain this morning so I decided against going to the park. It only just started raining here about 15 minutes ago so I could have totally gone to the park. Oh well.... I spent an hour on the treadmill instead. Walking uphill and then down and during my walk of course I started feeling tons better than I had earlier. Sometimes my problem is that I just want to have control at all times rather than trust things will play out the way they're supposed to. Exercising helps me feel better...so why don't I do it more often and how come I always eventually become a total slacker and quit it completely?! I know I'm not the only one who does this.

I did mention in my previous post that I wasn't completely lost yet but I was on the verge of it. That's why I listed those things that make me happy. I spent some time on the treadmill then I went to Lowe's because I'm obsessed with gardening right now. It happens every spring. I had a brief moment where I was worried about the money I was spending on my spring time hobby but I let it go. I'm obsessed with miniature roses right now. I have 3 little bushes for my room and I just bought 3 more for the front porch so everyone can enjoy them.

As cliche as it sounds.... roses have always been my favorite flower. I don't prefer the red ones though. I like the purplish blue ones or pink or any of the ones that are multiple colors in one.  I also love butterflies. Get over it.

I think lady bugs mean good luck and there have been two very close to me in the last week.

♥

Self Sabotage

It never fails. I do it all the time. I get to a point where I'm feeling ok and then I go and mess it up. I uncontrollably say the wrong thing. I lose my grip on those negative nagging thoughts. Then I just add to it by doing something like.... weighing myself when I already know it won't be good news. I sabotage myself anytime I feel good or at least ok, because it scares me to be happy. It really does. I took a break from all of the reading I was doing so I'm not sure who mentioned this in one of their books but someone said something about being people being afraid to be happy. I thought it was only me... Ever since I was a kid I was being shown that the good things can be ripped away from you in an instant. So now, it terrifies me to be anything but miserable not that being miserable is any fun.

I will say this though. I'm not completely gone yet this morning. I know I could let things snowball out of control but I need to stay strong. When something like "I'm such an idiot" comes to mind I have to say no. I have to choose something nicer to say about myself to myself.

In an effort to take control of this situation here are some things I am happy about:

• I signed up for my first 5k race
• I've kept to my running schedule this week
• I'm shooting a wedding next weekend
• In about a month I get to see some Seattle friends who will be in town
• gardening
• spring
• I'm going on a nature walk/hike next Wednesday
• my coffee mug with the little red dachshund on it
• the miniature red roses in my room
• today's rain
• my new nail polish
• my friends who don't care how crazy I am
• the hugs I get from my nephews as soon as I walk into the room
• the way my niece asks me if we can watch Alice in Wonderland
• the way my niece says "whooo are youuuuu?" in a silly voice...just like the caterpillar
• the trip I took to the zoo last week
• pictures of tiny snails
• the 16x20 prints I ordered that should be here today

♥

It's a blah blah blah kind of day

Guess what?! ....It's getting to be that time of the month... so of course I'm super crazy, sensitive, sad, not sad, then sad again, have zero appetite for anything that isn't chocolate, pure sugar, cheese, pasta or coffee. However, I did just force feed myself some almonds. I can't help but think about how amazing those almonds would have been if they were buried deep inside a bar of dark chocolate. Mmmmm. Let's just all think about that for a minute.

Ok, well I'm definitely experiencing mood swings this morning. It's only 10am and I've literally gone from barely being able to move from the bed because I believe I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, to crying my eyes out at the mere sight of an envelope from good old Sallie Mae, to cuddling with a cup of coffee in front of my computer screen trying to find something inspirational to watch, to feeling slightly ok, to feeling slightly inspired by the very person who has triggered my fear of being alone forever, to feeling sort of like I want to be a smart ass all day, to wanting to cry again.

I have to accept that it's just one of those kinds of days. Where I feel a divide somewhere in myself. Like I know I'm ok but I can't shake that heaviness that's sitting there on my heart and I can't shake the feeling that I'm just so freaking tired. I'm starting to believe the only solution really will be to see a doctor about all of this. I'm tired of wasting so much time feeling like I need to take the time to comfort myself. The majority of every month should not be devoted to my desire to lay in bed all day with the covers over my head. I know in a few days I'll be back to "normal" and somehow I'll forget about this moment. It always happens.

In a little over a month I'll be 31. Yikes. I want to do things. I want to experience more of life. I want to travel...maybe not very far. Right now I just want to travel within the states and see certain places and be amazed. I want to see people. I want to ride in a hot air balloon. I want to be able to run at least one 5k. I want to go canoeing and hiking. I want to do something I've never done before. I want to live my life. I want to be happy with myself whether I'm "alone" or not. I want loving people to be more important to me than being loved by people.

But at the very same time I can't help but feel like it would be nice to have a significant other. I know I can make it through this life on my own and with a handful of really great friends. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband. I don't. But is there something wrong with maybe wanting one of those things? Is there something wrong with wanting to be in love and wanting to experience life and grow along with someone? I honestly don't know very many people who have been as single as I have been. I mean really most of the people I know have had relationship after relationship. Me? I've had 2 "serious" relationships with just a handful of "dating around" experiences. I know a handful of other people like me and I can't help but wonder what we all have in common. Are some people just meant to experience life "alone" you know without a significant other, but still full with other people who do in fact care?

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I need hugs.

♥

I am here

I haven't been myself lately. For weeks now I've been feeling sort of disconnected, that was the only way I could explain how I felt when people that I'm close to asked how I was. I would say "I'm ok I guess, I just feel a little disconnected" They would then ask what I feel disconnected from and I had no real clue. I just knew something wasn't "right". Then last week I remember telling my friend that I was feeling weird...like I was here physically but really I was somewhere else. In the last month or so somehow I fell out of the habit of meditating and journaling. I stopped taking the time to be still. I don't know why I stopped but I did. I had a feeling all of that had something to do with my disconnection but I still couldn't convince myself to do any of those things...even if I did know that chances are I'd feel way better afterwards.

In the last week or two I've had several moments of what I like to call "crazy".  A moment of crazy is something like being irrational, spinning stories in my head, over analyzing beyond the normal over analyzation, paranoia, anxiety and actually doing ridiculous things because of the paranoia. Last night I freaked out. I won't go into the details here...but let's just say it involved reading a facebook status and then being overcome with worry, doubt, and complete crazy girl insecurity and paranoia. And then I may or may not have sent a text to someone when really I should have just left it alone...  I fell back to sleep after all of this and when I woke up this morning I knew I had to do something. I knew that some of my recent behavior and actions were all actions I took out of fear and worry, which is the worst time to take action. Those actions are never who I really am.

So this morning I sat up in my bed, closed my eyes, and tried to perform some sort of meditation. It wasn't working. The thought kept coming to my mind that I just need a vacation from myself. I kept thinking it in between sending a message to the universe that I just need help. Then all of a sudden I remembered someone saying something about how they said something like  "I can't stand myself anymore" and then asked what does that even mean. I realized it was Eckhart Tolle who said it on an episode of Super Soul Sunday. I have the episode saved on my DVR so I decided to watch it. He talks about being in the moment and self awareness and the difference between our minds and our spirits. His big "aha" moment, as Oprah likes to describe things, was one night during a time in his life when he was close to suicide and possibly on the verge of a nervous break down. He said to himself "I can't stand myself anymore" then somehow the question came to him of what does that mean and who is the 'I' and who is the 'self'? Is there a difference? Who can't 'I' stand exactly? That's when the separation and the awareness began for him. The 'I' is the spirit and consciousness, which is who we really are. And the 'self' is the ego, the mind, our thoughts. Awareness is spirit speaking to spirit. Some people are so consumed by their thoughts that they don't even know there is a separation and sometimes they can't even be open to the idea of it. So after watching this interview which I've already seen a few times in my life I realized that my mind had taken over. Those thoughts that make me "crazy" aren't even real. It's just my mind and my ego trying to cause problems because apparently that's what they're meant to do. It's still hard to wrap my "mind" around it sometimes but at the same time it makes sense to me. And whenever I remember this I feel so much better. And when I forget it all is when I feel disconnected.

Eckhart Tolle says that we just need to be still and in the moment because that's really all we have. The past is the past and the future is the future and we have neither of those things. After watching the episode I decided to sit in my backyard for awhile. Get some fresh air and enjoy the sounds of the birds and the wind chimes. I closed my eyes and said over and over again "I am here". And today those words have a completely different meaning. They mean more than I am here in the moment they mean 'I' big capital giant sized letter 'I' is here. My true self is here right now and I am back. My mind is still here it's just not as strong this morning as it has been in recent weeks. I'm feeling better than I was but I also have the sense that I'm on the edge and I can easily slip in either direction. But I do believe that today I'll be more likely to slip into the right direction and if I do feel my 'self' coming on too strong I think I'm aware enough right now to say I am here and I'll be ok.

A friend told me a couple of days ago to get out of my head. Those words make so much more sense when I acknowledge that there is a difference between who I really am and what my mind is telling me.

I am here.
I am not my thoughts.

♥

My Mondays

It's been too long since I've written anything here. My mind has been all over the place lately.

So it's Monday. I'm noticing a pattern here. On Monday I tend to feel the need for some self nurturing or relaxation. I want to spend the day enjoying whatever the weather is, reading a book, contemplating quotes, drinking coffee, listening to music and all while wearing something that makes me feel good. Lately I've beaten myself up for feeling this way on a Monday morning, because aren't Mondays supposed to be the day you get back to work? The day you get back into the routine you fell out of over the weekend? Even just last year I was totally loving Mondays because they did mean it was time to get back into a routine and feel productive. I guess I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Well I know I'm not the same person I was a year ago. So why should I try to be that person or any version of myself I was in the past? I guess this is why being in the moment and being self aware is important. What worked for me a few months ago may not work for me now and that's ok.

I realize that my perfect Monday may just sound like I'm trying to give myself a 3 day weekend...that's part of the reason why I've been beating myself up about it. Why do I deserve a 3 day weekend? The truth is, it's not really a 3 day weekend. At least not for me.  A lot of the time now my Saturdays are work days...if I don't have a photo shoot scheduled I'm meeting up with my friend/new business partner to go over things for at least half the day. Sunday mornings I may be laying in bed watching Super Soul Sunday but that's also the day where I do laundry and clean up a little bit. And sometimes I throw in a little bit of socializing and for me socializing is stressful, so it's not always relaxing the way it should be.  So my weekends aren't what I think a typical weekend is for most people. My weekend isn't a complete break from working. I've realized that maybe on Monday I just need time to recover from excess time around family or from working or from socializing and doing chores. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter how anyone else does it. What matters is what works for me and if I'm being productive during my actual "work time".

So this morning I spent just a short time feeling crappy about how I was laying in bed going through a book about the paleo "diet"/way of living. I only felt bad about not getting up before 8am for a little while. Then for some reason I realized that this is ok. It's ok for my Mondays to be like this. If I want to wake up and drink coffee in bed while reading whatever I choose to read it's ok. If I want to sit on my computer watching reruns of Super Soul Sunday or blogging or posting things to the happiness group and contemplating my own happiness project...it's all ok. Just accept it and move on and when my Monday routine feels the need to change again, it will. Something is always changing and I feel discomfort when the change comes and instead of getting all bent out of shape about it and feeling like a terrible human being I just have to accept it, roll with it and readjust. It's that simple (but so very hard sometimes).

I drove 4 hours on Thursday to spend some extra time with my brother and his family since my nephew's birthday party would be happening on Saturday. On Friday my parents got there. That's 5 adults and 3 kids running around and zero places for me to go when I need space. Plus I'm there to spend time with them not to be alone so even in those moments I so desperately want to be alone I don't allow it. Unless I'm taking a shower or using the bathroom. Saturday was the party. My sister and her daughter were there as well as my other brother and his 3 kids. My sister in law has a large family and when you add them to my family I think there's at least a total of 25...I'm sure there's more than that and I'm just losing track. Plus some of my nephew's friends from school were there along with their parents.  It's a lot of people for someone like me to be around. It's nothing new though...I've been to enough of these birthday parties to know how many people will be there and I've met them all before and had conversations with them all. But sometimes I get super anxious about it. This time around a good bit of my sister in law's family arrived before the rest of my family did and my social anxiety had kicked in big time. I wanted to disappear and zone out. I preferred to sit outside and watch the kids play. I was playing around on my phone. I eventually calmed down and the anxiety wore off but I couldn't wait for the end of the day when everyone left and I could put my pajamas on...even if it was only 5pm. Social situations stress me out sometimes. Then on Sunday it was time to make the 4 hour drive back home, which can sometimes be mind numbing and ridiculously uncomfortable. By the time I got home I was just so completely worn out. (And so completely happy that I cleaned my room, made the bed and put all of my laundry away before I even left on Thursday)

So with all of that going on for  4 days, why shouldn't I do whatever I need to do today to get myself back on track. To find some sort of balance. The sooner I accept that my work week isn't like everyone else's and doesn't have to be, the sooner I'll be happier and probably more productive. I'll spend less time worrying what other people think about how I'm spending my Monday and more time being me.

Happy Monday!

♥

I have to warn you...I don't know where this post is going to go, but it's not going to start off very pretty. So if you don't want to read it I'll understand.

I'm in a terrible mood. Do you ever have one of those days where you just wake up and you're irritated with yourself and you're irritated with every one else? Like all of this stuff just built up and is now ready to explode. I'd like to think that these days I do a pretty good job of staying positive or at least just letting things flow rather than dwelling on something. Or maybe I really have just been burying stuff even though I thought I just reworked the way I view certain situations.

I don't know.

All I know is this. I woke up at 6am today, which is exactly the time I want to wake up. It's the exact time I set my alarm for. It's what I put down on my daily schedule. I was awake enough to stay awake...but I went back to sleep. Why did I go back to sleep? The only explanation I have is that I can't stand it when someone in my house says "why are you up so early?" or "you're up early" in a tone of voice that implies judgement of some sort. So instead of being myself and who I want to be and doing what I want to do I go back to my room and instead of staying awake in my room and meditating or journaling or something...I just lay back down. I try to justify this by saying this is my manifestation time...because I knew I was going to lay there and daydream about another life. I reset my alarm to go off in 30 minutes but when it went off I just turned it off and continued to sleep until 7:30 when my niece came in the room to tell me goodbye.

I'm irritated with myself because I went back to sleep. I'm irritated with myself because I didn't do what I want to do all because I was too worried about the hassle of dealing with judgement from other people. Why do I care what they say? Why do they care if I wake up early?

So this snowballs of course into me dwelling on my irritation with them. It grows into this burning desire to move out....which then turns into being angry with myself because I can't afford to move out. I'm angry because I'm supposed to make the best of the situation I'm in and either I can't seem to do that or this is the best. If this is the best then that's pretty upsetting as well. Why can't I afford to move out? Is it because I'm lazy...is it because I don't know how to budget money... is it because I'm a loser who doesn't have her shit together? Then I start to think about how maybe I wouldn't be so lazy/lack discipline if someone had taught me to be productive and showed me discipline. Maybe I would know how to budget money if it had ever been explained to me while growing up. Maybe I could have learned a lot of things about life and how to go through it if someone had found some sort of extracurricular activity for me to participate in. Maybe just because my 6 year old self didn't feel right punching and kicking people in karate it didn't mean I wouldn't feel right doing something else. Instead of assuming I wouldn't like anything after one trial and error why not give me a chance to do something else?

Yes obviously I have issues with my parents. I'm not saying I had a terrible family life or anything like that. I'm just saying that on the days when I'm trying my hardest to teach myself important life lessons and things either aren't clicking or I'm just plain exhausted....yeah I get angry about how some of this could have been prevented.

Then I throw a fit. This whole blog post is part of my fit. I sat in my bed writing in my journal feeling angry and feeling like I know I'm supposed to be writing positive affirmations rather than negative ones. I sat there stewing it all over to the point where I wanted to throw something or scream. I sat there not wanting to move and then I threw my pillow down and something in me said "stop it right now and get the fuck up". So I got up and still feeling completely angry I forced myself to make breakfast and engage in small talk about bird feeders while I was standing in the kitchen. Then I marched myself back into my room where I could continue to throw my fit and be angry.

I know I'm almost done with it now because I'm starting to feel bad about it. I feel bad because somewhere inside of me I know that this is the life experience I was and am supposed to have. I was supposed to grow up in a situation where one day as an adult I would be actively teaching myself how to be a responsible and decent human being.

I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or guilty or anything at all about all of this that just happened this morning. This blog post. My journal entry. The thoughts in my head. I don' t know. I almost don't even want to post this because I don't want to put any negative vibes out there into the world and because maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want anyone to think I'm a terrible person.

However, I guess the truth is that these moments are a part of who I am. I'm not perfectly positive all the time. I don't make it through every day with acceptance of my current position. Putting this out there  for people to see involves being vulnerable I guess and from what I understand being vulnerable leads to accepting who we are and accepting who we are leads to living a happier life.

So there it is. Now I'm going to walk away from this post feeling the same way I do when I'm venting to a friend about something and they have a completely different point of view from mine and not only is it different but it's right. Which means I'm no longer allowed to be angry and irritated. You know what I'm talking about. That feeling of "you're right. but I really just wanted to be negative and angry all day and now I can't be." You know....cause being negative and angry is easier than be happy for some strange reason.

I suppose I'll go about the rest of my day with a different attitude from what I had when I started this post. That's something I should be grateful for. The ability to work my way out of a bad mood a lot quicker now than I was ever able to before. It's amazing what a little bit of typing can do for the soul.

Happy Tuesday. (I feel like I can say that now and actually mean it)

♥

Sunday

Today I'm feeling a pull. The pull to be somewhere else, to go, to experience something other than my current experience. Maybe it's the time change, maybe it's the itch to work in the garden, maybe it's the edge of spring I'm feeling. I don't feel like being a responsible adult right now. I don't feel like sorting out my student loan mess, I don't feel like working on a budget plan, I don't feel like cleaning my room, I don't feel like dusting, I don't feel like getting the oil changed in my car, I don't feel like worrying about health insurance, I don't feel like worrying about any of it.

What I do want is to ride on a ferris wheel, go to a beach where the water actually looks blue, I want a yard full of fresh fruit and veggies, I want to have a bbq, I want to see the mountains, I want to see a cow up close and personal, I want to dye my hair some crazy color, I want to wear sun dresses all day long, I want to eat ice cream, I want to see the sun rise and later I want to watch it set, I want to play in the rain, I want to go to a farmers market on Sunday, I want to have a picnic, I want to be surrounded by people I love who love me too, I want a fur ball of a kitten, I want to fly a kite, I want to see Mt. Rushmore and the Grand Canyon and the Redwoods, I want quiet but happy moments alone.

I just want to go. I want to run. I want to take a larger than life garbage bag and dump everything I have in it and then I just want to sit in the middle of my empty room and feel completely free.

Something is pulling me.

Something even stronger is pushing me back down.

I don't know what it is.

♥

Thoughts

Here are some random thoughts for you:

• It's true. Good feelings pass just like bad feelings pass. And that's ok.
• I'm more aware of myself these days, especially in moments when I'm about to apologize for being who I am and thinking the things I think and believing the things I believe and doing the things I want to do. All because I just want to make sure someone likes me. 
• I'm also aware of the fact that my ability to be open to new things and see other people's points of view and my lack of being a picky eater can all be misinterpreted and seen as trying to people please when I'm really not trying to do that at all.
• It's day 2 of my daily schedule and I have yet to follow the schedule today.
• I stayed up way too late last night.
• My body is sore from the first work out I've done in months. It feels good.
• Maybe I should plan a workout for every other day rather than every day?
• I've only recently begun to realize that I'm the kind of person who will try a different approach if the current one isn't working. Well what I mean is I've only just begun to realize that it doesn't make me a failure to keep trying different approaches. 
• I'm tired but I don't want to sit or lay around all day. I'd rather have something to do that doesn't involve sitting at my desk.
• I noticed that playing sports really can teach you about life. After my nephews' first day of baseball practice ever in their lives, I believed the most important lesson to be learned there was that most times you have to run to the ball in order to catch it. You can't just stand there waiting for it to come directly to you. You have to make the catch happen. Too bad I didn't play any sports as a kid. Trying to learn things as an adult can be hard, haha.
• I'm still feeling the love

♥

Love

During an interview with Oprah, Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)  said that she asks herself every day "what do I really really really want?" She said you have to say 'really' three times or it doesn't work, haha. So in the mornings sometimes after my meditation I do a little writing in my journal. I write some affirmations and I just try to manifest some good things for myself. Sometimes I'll write the question down "what do I really really really want?".  My answer for today was that I want to be in love. Not in love like romantically. Just IN love. Like I want to be love and all about love and just in it completely. I want to be in love with life. I want to feel the way I've felt before when I was in love with someone except now, without the someone. If that makes any sense. (although...to be in love with someone who is also in love with me wouldn't hurt, haha) Do you ever just all of a sudden have an overwhelming feeling of love, for what appears to be no reason at all? Well I do. It happens now. In the last 6 months I've experienced it more than just a few times and every time I feel it, it's like the most amazing thing in the world. Not even kidding. It's like all of a sudden everything is ok and I know it's ok and I know it's going to be ok. All of a sudden I'm just filled with joy and I want to dance around or share some goodness of some kind with someone.

It happened today. I got exactly what I asked for. I don't know what it was...and maybe I shouldn't question it. Maybe it came to me because I had the guts to ask for it directly. I asked the Universe for love and it was given to me. As soon as I recognized it I whispered "thank you" and smiled and thought about how amazing it is.

I had a good day. No, a great day. A really freaking great day. All I did was force myself out of bed at 6:04am (4 mins past my scheduled wake up time) and struggle my way through the early morning and my new daily schedule. All I did was take a walk/run on the treadmill and do a few ab exercises. I stayed focused while I did my work this morning. I congratulated myself for accomplishing something and being ten times more productive than usual rather than focusing on the fact that I was actually running behind my schedule all day. I didn't dwell on the fact that I lost focus completely around 1:30pm and even took an unscheduled 20 minute nap at some point. The second half of my schedule didn't happen at all, but I can work on it. And I feel good about it all, the accomplishments and the unfinished tasks. I feel good about the fact that I received a nice little letter from Seattle in the mail today. I feel good about putting some letters of my own out into the world. I feel good about seeing my niece this afternoon and watching two of my nephews at their first ever baseball practice. I just feel good. I feel loved. I don't know if it's coming from within myself or not...but maybe it is. Maybe I'm finally realizing that I do love myself enough to keep working on becoming a better over all person. Maybe it was some love from the Universe or God or whatever name you would like to give. (These days I'm calling "it" the Universe.)

I'm so excited right now I could cry. Right now in this moment I am IN love. I am straight up right in the middle of it. I am love. I am feeling it and experiencing it and I couldn't be more thankful. I wish everyone could feel this every day. I want to feel it every day...that's what I'm working towards.

I'm sending some love your way via a giant *air hug* :o)

♥

Accountability

Discipline?
Accountability?
Consequences?

Ah. I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately. I think deep down I've always known it was an issue. When it comes to a situation where other people are in charge I think I'm good. I mean when I work for someone else or even when I was in school (pre college days) I'm sure I do what I'm supposed to and I do it with a sense of urgency and importance. When I'm the one in charge of myself...well that's where my problems are. I think I remember being in high school and teachers warning us that once we're in college the teachers aren't going to put in the extra effort to make sure we get our work done. It will be up to us. We have to take the initiative to do what we need to do. It's our responsibility, no one else's. I've always been a procrastinator though, even in high school. I'm not even sure how I made it through seeing as how I always waited until the last minute to read the assigned books...if I read them at all. I was also that kid finishing up a paper minutes before it was time for bed the night before it was due. I guess I was lucky. I mean I didn't make exceptional grades and sometimes I wonder how much better they would have been if I would have had more discipline. I remember it always felt like a struggle though, just to get average grades. I remember being jealous of my sister who also waited until the last minute but got perfect grades. I remember complaining that I had to work my butt of to get those average grades. Looking back on it now, in a way, I did work my butt off.... fighting the procrastination and the lack of discipline was hard.  It's still hard. I just didn't know back then that the procrastination was something that ran deep. It wasn't just a simple choice I made to not do my work.

So here I am as an adult still battling these things. I have the potential to be really freaking amazing at whatever I choose to do. I can't totally blame my lack of discipline for where I am today but it does play a big role. So if the way we were disciplined as children didn't quite work for us how do we discipline ourselves now? How do we teach ourselves? How do we hold ourselves accountable? How do we come up with consequences for ourselves?

When it comes to my nephews, if they misbehave or don't do something they were supposed to do I end up taking the video games away. When it gets really bad I may even take away the tv as well. Then I make them go outside to play... I'm no parent so who knows if what I'm doing is "right" or "wrong". But really when it comes to children we either take something away or put them in a time out. How do we translate that into adult situations?

If I don't finish my to-do list for the day I typically just let it go and feel kind of bad about it later while I'm watching Pretty Little Liars or Grey's Anatomy...  So what if I don't do what I'm supposed to do for the day? Should I not allow myself to watch tv that night? Ok...well I'll just read instead. Or should I finish the work then watch tv? If I don't keep my room picked up or do the dishes....am I not allowed to go out with my friends this weekend? Do I take a time out? How does this work? How do I "punish" myself for "misbehaving"? And who's to say that once I do come up with a system for myself that I'll actually keep up with it?

How do you hold yourself accountable?

♥

When all else fails....send out a little love.

♥

Monday Morning Ramble

Even though I'm making progress I feel like something isn't working. Something isn't right. It's 8:24 in the morning and I've really only been awake for 30 minutes...I'm also typing this from my bed. If it weren't for my bladder I'd probably still be trying to sleep or just lay in a day dream. I used to wake up early every day (6am or 7am early). I used to look forward to Mondays. I used to go to the park and walk a few miles. I used to cook a good breakfast for myself. I used to sit in the back yard with a cup of coffee. I haven't done those things in months. On top of those things I'm slacking with my resolutions. Especially the ones I set for myself in January. The only one I'm consistent with is making the bed. I have a laundry basket full of clean clothes that need to be folded....it's been like that for 3 days. Without having to think too hard about it I believe I know what's holding me back. However, I don't think I'm ready to deal with it directly. I'd rather just run away from it and pretend it's ok. I mean really run away from it, like take myself physically away from the situation and pretend that these issues I have don't exist. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it I can't run away. I'm stuck here for now. It bothers me.

A part of me wants to be mad with myself because the longer I don't do something about it the longer the situation has control over me and what I do. Or is it wrong to think that one thing can have so much power? Is it wrong for me to think that everything will be fine once I can take care of this one area of my life? It's just that it's a huge area. It's a big big deal. I suppose I can either accept it for what it is and let it go or I can try to work on it. Working on it involves cooperation from the other side...which I'm not sure I'd get.

Today I'm feeling paralyzed. My brain is working and my mood isn't too bad but there's something pulling at me. That sad sort of feeling I get sometimes. That sad sort of feeling that makes it hard to function. That feeling that makes my legs feel like they weigh 300 pounds each and I can't move them. Then I get anxious from sitting or laying for too long. I start to worry what people will think if they know I'm not actually doing anything productive and what I'm really doing is laying in bed. It's moments like this when I know I have to force myself to move. Even if it hurts. I have to do something. I'm not so far down right now that I can't do something. But I'm on the edge of it.

I don't think doing work on the computer is going to be helpful today. It involves being practically immobile. So I think what I need to do and should do is something physical. I should clean up and maybe even get some sort of exercise. Maybe I can focus on all of my resolutions and check off as many as I can. Knowing that I can do those things gives me hope. Knowing that what I'm feeling right now won't last forever helps me to trust that I'll be just fine. Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side.

Hmm...my legs are feeling a little lighter already.  :o) Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side and other times all I have to do is write it out.

♥

Worthiness

It seems to be a theme this morning. Worthiness.

♥

Compassion

Ok...originally when I logged into my little blog here I had it all planned out in my head what I was going to say. I'll be honest. It was going to be a rant about something that really bugs me and how I don't understand how I'm supposed to have compassion and understanding for this person and why they might be doing what it is they're doing that's driving me nuts.

I'm going to rant just a little anyway...just so I can bring you through the same thought process I went through.

Let's just say I don't understand why it's so hard to put the silverware in the designated spot in the silverware drawer divider thingy. I understand all of the spots are the same shape so you have to self designate but still. It's obvious that everything can have it's own spot. I've designated spots and it's clear what should go where when you open the drawer. There's a place for the spoons, the forks, and the knives. For some reason a particular person likes to just throw it all in there willy nilly. I don't mean they just put it in the "wrong" spot. I mean it's all literally thrown in there and every slot has a mixture of items in it. Sometimes it's just a mountain of silverware and next thing you know I'm digging for a spoon under a pile of tangled forks and knives. Since I was the only one home at the time I shouted "why is it so hard?!" and proceeded to organize the silverware drawer. It took no more than a minute to do it I'm sure. In my mind I wondered why it just doesn't happen while the silverware is being put away. I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon? I was irritated. That's when the question of compassion came to mind. That's when I started to wonder...really? I'm supposed to just let this slide because this person may be going through something I don't know about that causes complete disorganization and carelessness?

So that's when I decided to check and see what Brene´ has to say about it, after all it is one of the gifts of imperfection. (I've totally been slacking on my reading though) I knew I had highlighted some stuff in the beginning of the book about compassion. I also decided to look up the definition of the word.

According to Merriam-Webster, compassion means a sympathetic consciousness of other's distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Hmm...so when you feel compassion that means not only do you know and maybe understand how the other person feels but it also means you want to help them feel better? I think I kind of thought that compassion meant you can understand what the other person is going through so you give them a break in a way. Like maybe you aren't as harsh on them or you just let things slide....

I'm a little bit confused with myself right now. Why wouldn't I know that compassion involves wanting to alleviate another person's distress? At the same time when I notice a close friend is struggling and I do understand or try to understand and know the situation I of course want to help them out, but I didn't know that was compassion. Is it compassion? Also, how come it's easier to feel compassion for some people than it is others. I sort of feel a little ashamed right now for not having more compassion for people in my family. Maybe I'm more judgmental than I thought, especially when it comes to the members of my family. Which is crazy because I always feel like they're judging me. Holy cow. I'm having a major moment right now.

Even though there's a part of me that wants to put blame on certain people for why I am the way I am and there's a part of me that wants to pull out the argument one of my siblings often uses, which is "well, you raised me!" ...I know I can't. I'm old enough now where I have to take responsibility for things.

In the book  Brene´ quotes Pema Chodron, "When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us."  Chodron also says, "In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience--our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

I have to read those words slowly and several times in order for it to all really sink in.

"Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." This line really sticks with me for some reason. After reading these quotes that I highlighted I was no longer irritated with the silverware or the person who did it but I was slightly irritated with myself and the fact that Chodron is obviously right.

What is my darkness, exactly, that makes me so irritated about some jumbled up silverware? Why do I find it necessary for it to be organized and easily accessible? If I understand that then maybe I won't be so bothered by whatever darkness it is causing the other person to do things like be unorganized. "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." It's true, right? I mean normally if we find ourselves wanting to blow up at something it really  has nothing to do with them or what they did and everything to do with ourselves. Whatever they do has nothing to do with us and everything to do with themselves and whatever we do has nothing to do with them and everything to do with ourselves. Once we can understand ourselves better it's easier to be around other people even when they've got all their issues hanging around. Also...isn't it true that when we're bothered by someone else beyond measure it usually means that whatever they did really just triggered something in us that we don't like about ourselves, but if we aren't aware of that we end up lashing out or something?

So if I know that there is something going on with me that makes it hard to do something simple like put my shoes away or not let dishes accumulate in my room then it's possible there's something going on with someone else that makes them not want to keep a silverware drawer organized. Right? So maybe next time I should just let it go. Or maybe I should try to understand where the other person is coming from and try to help?

I just struggle with these kinds of things...because we're also supposed to have boundaries and accountability, right?

Well what do you think? What does compassion mean to you? How do you practice it when you're in a situation where compassion for a person doesn't come naturally? How do you balance having compassion and boundaries? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

♥


PS-"I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon?"

The silverware drawer is a metaphor for my life. Surely if my life was a little more organized inside and out it would be "easier". I'm constantly digging through all of my mess to find what I need, whether it be a pile of laundry or the mess that lives inside my mind. lol!

Progress

Today I was having technical difficulties. All of a sudden my external hard drive wasn't working properly and I couldn't save my work to it.  At first I didn't know if the problem was with the hard drive, my computer or photoshop. In the past I would have had a major freak out...complete with chest pains and everything. I would have panicked over losing images I can never get back. I would have panicked and immediately thought about how I don't have the money to buy any new equipment right now. Then I would have been stressed out about money. The whole situation would have snow balled into a scene equivalent to sirens going off and red lights flashing and me curled up into a ball on the floor. Completely worn out from frustration and anxiety.

However, today none of that happened. Even though I found myself wanting to tell a friend that I hate computers...the truth is I wasn't really feeling like I hate computers, but in the past that's where I would have gone. I would have gone to that "I freaking hate it when..." place. So I ended up saying something like "I sort of feel an extreme dislike towards computers today"....which still wasn't true. Old habits die hard.

Anyway. Today when the problem first presented itself to me I just casually hit ok and tried again. I tried like three times. Then I typed the error message I was receiving into my search bar to see what I could find. I don't know what it is about forums and what not that look like a foreign language to me but they do... and they just look uninviting. I read a few things... some of the "help" had negative vibes to it...but I read it anyway. No one really had an answer to the problem they just tried to find something to blame it on. So I stopped reading because it wasn't helpful. Some people were blaming photoshop other people were blaming the mac's operating system. That's when I decided to do some of my own trial and error type things and realized that the problem was actually with the hard drive itself. So then I researched the hard drive I bought. I wasn't coming up with anything and that's when I posted my problem to good ol' facebook. One person responded with some information that I found to be helpful and caused me to learn a thing or two.

So far the issue has been solved, thanks to the help of my friend. I also would like to give some credit to my new attitude. Who knows where I'd be right now if I was still the same person I was last year. The kind of person who would panic first and breathe three days later, the kind of person that would look for something to blame and be mad at, the kind of person who couldn't just be in the experience. I did have a moment or two when I thought about how I really needed to get this editing done. I thought about how I had put it off for too long and today I finally sit down and try to push through it and I end up with technical problems. Go figure. I felt slightly bitter about the whole thing. That moment was brief though and I gave myself a pat on the back for not going down the rabbit hole. I've made some progress in this thing called life!

Honestly I kind of think what happened today was a good thing. Trying to solve this problem gave me something to really work on and it got my brain moving, it was challenging. Now that it's all taken care of I feel kind of rejuvenated and like I can totally get back to editing without any problems. Stimulation. It's exactly what I needed...because even though I love photography sometimes editing can be so incredibly mundane. I was working in slow motion. Now I think I can have the job done before the end of the night.

So today I'm going to be thankful for my friend and his help. I'm also going to thank the Universe for helping me out. For making it clear that sometimes when I feel like I'm in a slump I just need to find something a little more stimulating and challenging to do. For helping me when I had no clue how to help myself. And that, my friends is something to be happy about.

♥

Digging Deep

I'm currently reading Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection. I really only just started it today. In the introduction of the book she talks about digging deep. You know...those moments when you have stuff to get done but you're just too tired or overwhelmed to do it but you find a way to dig deep and make it happen.

It's funny that I read this part of the book today. It's funny that the example she gave was spot on to what I was going through today. She talks about how she used to dig deep, push hard and suck it up. But since she was interested in living her life whole heartedly she wanted to find another approach to digging deep. In her research she found that people who live wholeheartedly dig deep by doing something restorative rather than forcing themselves to push through the task at hand.

The example she gave was that one day she was sitting at her computer and instead of working she was playing around on the internet. I'm sure we all do it...it's like a constant loop of facebook, pinterest, email, blogs and repeat. For her it wasn't relaxing or productive. So she decided to try the new way of digging deep and told herself she needed to do something that was deliberately relaxing. She needed to find something inspiring to do rather than something that sucked the life out of her. Once she made that decision she needed to get up and do it. She turned off her computer and reminded herself to be self compassionate and then watched a movie. She said it was exactly what she needed.

Today I was sitting at my desk avoiding the fact that I have some pictures that need to be edited before the end of the week. I was sitting there drinking my coffee, checking Facebook, staring out my window, day dreaming, reading blogs, listening to the same song over and over again, checking emails...etc. etc. Nothing productive. And none of it was exceptionally inspiring either. It was literally a waste of time and I was feeling more and more sluggish as the time went by. I eventually decided to just get up from my desk and do some reading. It made me feel anxious because I always tend to choose doing something else over sucking it up and doing what I need to do when I'm having a day like this. In my mind, that sounds terrible. You probably wonder how I ever get anything done.

I started reading but was having trouble focusing because really all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and either sleep or day dream about something wonderful. I kept reading though and I got to this part about digging deep. I began to wonder. You would think that I might be happy to know that I've doing well all these years...unknowingly living a wholehearted life maybe? Or is what I do just plain laziness and the result of having very little discipline?

I don't know. I don't really feel good about normally choosing to do something I want to do over work. Even though in general what I choose to do is something that can be considered restorative for me. I think of course now I'll be more mindful of when it's happening. I'll try to really make sure I'm doing something relaxing rather than mindlessly choosing something to do. I worry about how I usually end up feeling bad about myself when I choose not to work. Is this something that I should accept about myself and be happy about as long as I do it in a way where I'm more self aware?

How do you dig deep? Do you push through or do you do something similar to what Brene Brown talks about? And with whichever approach you take, how does it make you feel afterwards?

♥

Dance Party!

For some reason this song makes me want to get up and hop around a little. ♥

January

In January my main goal was to de-clutter. I wanted to pick up after myself a little better so my physical space could be clear and I wanted to do things that would help me clear my mind and make me more aware of myself. If you've ever had a cluttered space you know that once it's cleared out you feel completely different. Even if you're one of those people who like the clutter you notice an obvious change in the way you feel about it all. Everything just feels more open physically and mentally. Sometimes we don't always like the way it feels to be open....it makes us vulnerable. There have been times when being open has caused so much fear in me that I couldn't even move. There have also been times when I've been open and realized that it felt better to be so and I was happier. So I decided I wanted to  work on de-cluttering this year.

As far as physical space goes.... I come from a family of pack rats, borderline hoarders. They keep everything. I used to keep everything. I still keep too much. There's a saying that goes something like "a cluttered home is a cluttered mind" and I believe it's true. I feel so much better when my room is clean. I think better. I sleep better. I feel fresher. I'm happier. But keeping clutter is a habit...so it's going to involve reworking my brain quite a bit. I do things like leave cups in random places in my room because for whatever reason I can't just walk them to the kitchen when I'm done. I never grew up having to make the bed so my bed is always unmade. I come home and kick my shoes off and never put them away so the next day I'll wear a different pair and do the same thing and the day after that a different pair and by the end of the week I have at least 4 pairs of shoes lying around.... and I'm tripping over them in the middle of the night. My desk gathers random trash all the time. When I take my earrings out instead of walking two steps over to the dresser to put them where they go I just leave them on the top of the bookshelf because it's "closer". I do my laundry and let it sit in a clothes basket or it gets thrown on the bed and moved from bed to computer chair constantly depending on what I need to sit my butt on at the time. It's all very ridiculous, undisciplined, slightly lazy.... and all probably attached to some bigger deeper thing I need to work on. The tasks I chose to work on in January for de-cluttering physically were

• make the bed every morning
• fold clothes as soon as they dry
• put my shoes away
• don't let dishes accumulate in my room
• dust
• 10 minute clean ups

The biggest change I've made in my life is making the bed. I have to do it now. I love the way my room looks when the bed is tidy. I love not having to straighten out the bed before getting into it at night. I'm not the best bed maker...I'm not all crazy about the edges and tucking things in but I do good and what I do makes a difference. It makes me happier to have a nice looking bed.

I hate the laundry. I hate folding it or hanging it...I just can't stand it. But I also hate how much space the laundry takes up in my room when it's not put away properly. I've gotten pretty good at folding the clothes. I think it comes down to being more disciplined and just making the decision to do it. Sometimes I have to fold it right there in the laundry room, the key is not bringing it to my room before it's folded. Even though I don't enjoy it....I do enjoy being able to walk around my room and sit wherever I want without having to move an armful of clothes around. Dealing with putting my shoes away just seems like such a silly little task that doesn't deserve my time, haha. It needs to be done though. Same thing with the cups that get shoved on to the book shelves. 10 minute clean ups were fun... I mean you can really get a lot done in 10 minutes. I set my alarm and started cleaning my entire desk area and was even done before the alarm went off. I was amazed because it looked like I had done at least an hour's worth of work, but I didn't. I don't know... over all having a clean room makes me happy. I don't know if it's the end result that does it or just feeling like an over all more disciplined and tidy person that does it. I think being tidy and feeling like I'm the kind of person who really does take care of herself helps in so many ways. It's a happiness boost and a confidence boost.

For the mental side of clutter I decided on

• meditate daily
• write daily
• dance party
• yoga once a week

I'm new to meditating so some days go well and other days my brain just won't be still. I like doing it though. Sitting still and just being quiet. Most days I end up feeling calm and relaxed. Happy and clear. I tend to wake up with a million things on my mind instantly. So I try to meditate before doing anything else that way I can clear all of those things out of my mind that don't need to be there. Also, meditating helps me somehow listen to my heart more than my head. Sometimes I feel like my brain is trying to sabotage me with all of it's negative thoughts. So to sit and be still and try to quiet my mind or find an affirmation of some sort to focus on usually helps to get rid of those negative thoughts. If I feel like I can't meditate I'll at least try to sit and acknowledge what's going on in my brain. I definitely notice a difference in my mood and overall level of anxiety when I don't meditate or take the time to really listen to what's going on. 

I love to write...I've been doing it since I was a kid. Constantly writing letters and keeping journals. As I got older though it became something I only ever did when I was sad and felt like I needed to talk to someone. I remember there being a time in my life when I felt bad for only ever writing when I was sad. Like writing was a friend and I was only using him or her when I needed to and not even sharing the happy moments. I stopped writing altogether for awhile because of that thought. Maybe it's silly but what can I say? I realize now that writing is a form of meditating for me and a form of getting clear. I always felt better after writing when I was younger and when I do it now it has the same effect. I think now I not only write when I'm down or stressed but also when I'm inspired. I have this urge to get these inspired thoughts down on paper and sometimes I have an extreme desire to put my thoughts out into the world so other people can read them. I don't know why I want other people to read them. I don't know what it does for me exactly. I'm still trying to figure that out. 

Dance Party! I started doing dance parties a few months before I even started the happiness project. I used to never really dance but ever since this shift happened in my life to become happier I've found myself dancing and not even realizing it. Also, in Gabrielle Bernstein's book Add More Ing to Your Life she suggests dancing in one of the chapters. The first time I ever did it, it was a forced dance but it did actually make me feel good. Somehow dancing just makes the world seem like a better place. It doesn't even matter if you're a terrible dancer....all that matters is that you're feeling it. My 3 year old niece loves to dance and she always just goes with the flow and does whatever the music makes her feel like doing. She and I have dance parties together all of the time. Sometimes my dance parties just happen randomly on their own and other days I have to tell myself "I need a dance party". Even when my niece is in a grumpy mood I'll just yell "dance party time!" and put on her favorite song. She tries hard not too smile but she eventually comes around. I love it when she comes into my room and tells me she wants to have a dance party...and it's impossible for me to say no. In the past, like a year ago, if she had come in and said something like that to me I'm sure I would have either said no or maybe later or only half heartedly went through the motions. Doing things that make me happier results in making the kids happier too. If you know me you know I'm not a mom but I am an Aunt to 7 munchkins but sometimes I feel like I am a parent. I take being an Aunt seriously and I take raising kids seriously...they may not be mine but children learn from the people around them. They aren't completely raised only by their parents. Kids hear the words "no" or "not right now" a lot and I always worry that in some cases they'll start to feel like their needs and wants aren't important. So if working on my level of happiness helps to make the lives of my nephews and nieces better then I think all of this "work" is paying off. Maybe one day when I have kids all of this becoming self aware and being happier and more positive with benefit my children.

A few other things on the list were

• eat a good breakfast: whole grain and protein
• less coffee (1 cup a day) more water and tea
• walk (at least 3 times a week)
• tackle a nagging task

I did ok with breakfast. I did amazingly well with the coffee considering the fact that  I absolutely love it and would drink it all day long if I didn't already know it could make me sick. I used to drink coffee all day long and I was fine....until I found myself in a situation where I didn't have access to it and became extremely sick. Withdrawal. That's when I knew I had a problem. That was years ago though. Even though I put it on my resolutions list I wasn't drinking that much....I was at like 2-3 cups a day. Now I'm down to 1 cup.... once a week I'll treat myself to a second cup though. :o)

I wasn't perfect with all of my tasks. I never started walking again. Before the holidays I was walking 3 miles at least 4 times a week and then I somehow got out of that habit. Walking was on the list for the physical activity part of it as well as the clearing my mind part of it. When I couldn't sit still to meditate walking sort of felt like it's own form of meditation. There were days when I was finished walking and I couldn't even tell you where my mind had been. I hadn't thought about anything at all during the walk and I always came out of it feeling amazing and uplifted. I really want to get back into it but for some reason I just can't get myself to the park these days or to turn on the treadmill. I never did yoga either.... I couldn't get myself to do it on my own. I also didn't do so well with the dusting.... but I won't get into that, haha. 

Overall I was feeling good by the end of the month. I felt successful and a bit happier even if there were some things I didn't do so well with. I think the fact that I now make the bed every day is a huge accomplishment and adds a significant amount of happiness and positive energy to my life. 

I'm excited to keep going. I've struggled a little bit this month though...I think I took on too big of a resolution to focus on so early in the project. I'm excited for March even though I'm still trying to figure out what to focus on. Well I'm off to take care of some work, but maybe I'll be back today with a dance party for you. :o)

Happy Monday!

♥

The Happiness Project

Happy Sunday!

I'll TRY to keep this post a little shorter than the last two. A few months ago I was chatting it up with my BFF Chelsea. We live in different states so we were literally chatting. Sometimes living in a different place from a best friend is hard....I should know. When I was 7 I had to leave my best friend at the time behind as my family made the move from New York to Louisiana. We wrote to each other consistently for years and we're still in touch. But it's hard. So even though Chelsea is my bestie we aren't always in contact with each other which means we don't always know what's going on with each other. So a few months ago when we were chatting and made the discovery that we were both on a similar journey I was so incredibly excited and amazed. And convinced even more than I was before that we are indeed soul sisters...for life.

We started chatting more regularly. I was doing happy dances in my head over it because I had already intended on putting more effort into our friendship anyway, and it just seemed like everything was lining up on it's own. We were both glad to finally have someone to talk with openly about the journey we were on and the things we were experiencing. I don't remember all of the details. All I know is that one day Chelsea mentioned something about a happiness group and the happiness project. I bought the book immediately. She tried to see if she knew anyone else who would be interested in starting a happiness group. We weren't sure if anyone would go for it and we both would have been completely happy even if we were the only two people in the group.

A few people showed an interest and next thing you know we now have a lovely group of 5. So now I've got a happiness project going on. You can get an idea of how it works by visiting Gretchen Rubin's site here. The project involves making resolutions but I feel like in a more realistic way. Each month kind of has an overall theme with smaller resolutions within it. It's like breaking it down.

For example in January my overall resolution was to de-clutter. De-clutter emotionally, physically and mentally. Here are the things I decided to do and keep track of during the month.

• meditate daily
• write daily
• yoga once a week
• eat a good breakfast: whole grain and protein
• less coffee (only 1 cup per day) more water and tea
• walk (at least 3 times a week)
• dance party
• make the bed every morning
• fold clothes as soon as they dry
• put my shoes away
• don't let dishes accumulate in my room
• dust
• 10 minute clean ups
• tackle a nagging task

Every month you pick something new to focus on... a new overall resolution and then break it down. But you're supposed to keep up with the resolutions you've set for yourself previously as well. Like this month I was working on my February resolutions as well as January's. It seems like a lot at first but really it's not and it's so worth it even if it is. I think after awhile if it turns out something just isn't really helping you or isn't really your cup of tea then it's fine to stop that. For me most of the things on my January list were things that didn't take much time to accomplish during the day. Then after doing them for a month they turn into habits anyway. I'll give a rundown of how my January went and how this month has turned out later....I'm still in the process of figuring out what I'd like to do for March. Yikes...I can't believe it's almost March!

♥

How it happened

I wish I knew the exact order of how things went down. I'm sure the answer is like five notebooks ago, but I have a habit of writing stuff down and then leaving it. Never looking back. I'm not even sure where that notebook is right off hand or I would consider going through it just to get an idea. I'll do my best to pull from memory...my memory works pretty well usually. :)

In July of 2011 I quit my job. It was part time and in a book store which was inside a very outdated and slow moving mall. I didn't leave on good terms. I didn't even leave a two weeks notice....yikes, but I was angry and fed up. At first I was just taking some time to breathe before looking for a new job. Then I decided maybe I could focus on my photography a little bit more and really make it into a business. The idea of working in retail or as a barista again caused me physical pain. Of course, I knew nothing about running a business. Lucky for me a good friend of mine was moving back into town and she knew all kinds of things about running/owning a business and she was willing to help me out. I ended up being pretty busy towards the end of the year taking pictures of kids, I shot an engagement party and a wedding! My friend helped me book my first senior portrait session which would happen in the beginning of the new year, 2012. I was feeling excited and motivated and like I could really do this. It was fun to be busy and it was fun to be doing what I love for a living.

After the senior portraits, which happened in March, I didn't have anything set up really. No appointments booked...nothing. My friend who was helping me started working and found out she was pregnant so I didn't feel right asking to take up her time just to help me out. That's when I decided to start doing some major research.

I have no clue right now how I came across the blogs and sites I came across. Maybe one day I was just going through all the blogs I typically go through and found a link. Or maybe it was Pinterest. I somehow discovered a blog called Psychology for Photographers and felt like I had hit the jackpot. After reading a post or two that totally made sense to me I went all the way into the archives and back to the beginning. I read every one of her posts and took notes. Somewhere in one of her posts, I think, is when I came across Brand Camp Another business type site that totally made sense to me and spoke in a language I could understand. From there I found Served-Up-Fresh which is also full of some great photography business info. I even signed up for a free business course she offered via email. I was taking notes from all of these sites and feeling good about the direction I was headed. Through one of these sites I was led to Marie Forleo and all of her great business info. I was taking in all of this information from all of these places and trying my best to do what I could for myself. It got to the point though where I was gaining all of this knowledge but I wasn't using it.  I was starting to feel discouraged because I didn't feel like I had what it took to run a business....everything I was reading sounded great. It sounded like something that a more confident and intelligent person could do....not me. A couple of months went by and I still hadn't booked any appointments....but that's because I wasn't putting to use any of the new stuff I had been learning. I started beating myself up for being so insecure and it only led to being even more insecure.

Then one day while checking out Marie's site there was a video of her interviewing Gabrielle Bernstein and they were talking about manifesting. I became completely intrigued. I checked out Gabrielle's site and next thing you know I'm buying her book Add More -ing to Your Life. From there my focus shifted from researching and learning about running a business to working on myself and being more aware, positive, happy and getting rid of my limiting beliefs. Somehow and somewhere within all of these sites I was frequenting I came across The Daily Love. TDL is full of quotes and positive energy. It's sending love out on a daily basis. I signed up for the daily email. Then completely away from the computer on a Sunday morning I came across Oprah and Super Soul Sunday. I'm pretty sure the first episode I watched was her interview with Cheryl Strayed the author of Wild. I bought the book as soon as I could and from then on out I was watching Oprah every Sunday. I was watching her interviews with inspirational people and watching reruns of her show where people talked about things like spirituality and the soul and just all of these good and inspirational things.

By the time August came around I was a different person from who I was the year before...I was a different person from who I was months before. I was feeling connected and happy and like no matter what I would be ok. I was inspired and full of love and wanting to put it out into the world. I was meditating and feeling connected to the Universe. I wasn't losing my patience as quickly as I used to. I wasn't feeling so much anger towards people who had hurt me. I was on a journey that was going to lead me to a better understanding of myself and the universe and to really believing that everything I need in order to be happy is already inside of me.

The first few months were very happy and uplifting and exciting and "easy". Then I found myself experiencing things that were making it difficult...but really it's all just something I needed to go through in order to keep growing and keep learning. It will be a never ending process. I will never get to a point and be able to just sit there for the rest of my life...and honestly I wouldn't want to if I could. I feel like once your mind is open and at a certain level and you've seen and experienced things you never believed before, there's no turning back. I don't want to go back. Even though it feels incredibly hard sometimes.

Some new and exciting things have happened for me since I've found myself on this journey. When I think about it now and how it all began I laugh a little and say it all happened by accident. Really it wasn't an accident. It was something I needed and for some reason I was led to it and for some reason I went with it. There could have been plenty of times in my past where the universe was trying to show me something but for whatever reason I wasn't open to seeing it until now. I'm not trying to get all "woo-woo" on you. I'm just telling you my story. It's been incredible...and trust me I don't really use words like incredible very often. I'm excited and I feel good about life, even on my really bad days.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm happy all the time and that everything is sparkly, because I'm not and it's not. I'm going to be as honest as I can be when I write here. Somedays I'll be happy and other days I'll be so far down I'll want to melt away into my mattress and never get up. The difference between now and a year ago is that a year ago when I wanted to disappear it would take forever to get out of a terrible mood. These days I'm aware of the mood I'm in and I try to figure out what's causing it and I acknowledge it and then I try to move on.

Anyway, this is just a rundown of how I got where I am now.  Soon I'll be able to just blog about my daily thoughts! Next time I'll fill you in on the most recent addition to my journey... The Happiness Project

♥