I am here

I haven't been myself lately. For weeks now I've been feeling sort of disconnected, that was the only way I could explain how I felt when people that I'm close to asked how I was. I would say "I'm ok I guess, I just feel a little disconnected" They would then ask what I feel disconnected from and I had no real clue. I just knew something wasn't "right". Then last week I remember telling my friend that I was feeling weird...like I was here physically but really I was somewhere else. In the last month or so somehow I fell out of the habit of meditating and journaling. I stopped taking the time to be still. I don't know why I stopped but I did. I had a feeling all of that had something to do with my disconnection but I still couldn't convince myself to do any of those things...even if I did know that chances are I'd feel way better afterwards.

In the last week or two I've had several moments of what I like to call "crazy".  A moment of crazy is something like being irrational, spinning stories in my head, over analyzing beyond the normal over analyzation, paranoia, anxiety and actually doing ridiculous things because of the paranoia. Last night I freaked out. I won't go into the details here...but let's just say it involved reading a facebook status and then being overcome with worry, doubt, and complete crazy girl insecurity and paranoia. And then I may or may not have sent a text to someone when really I should have just left it alone...  I fell back to sleep after all of this and when I woke up this morning I knew I had to do something. I knew that some of my recent behavior and actions were all actions I took out of fear and worry, which is the worst time to take action. Those actions are never who I really am.

So this morning I sat up in my bed, closed my eyes, and tried to perform some sort of meditation. It wasn't working. The thought kept coming to my mind that I just need a vacation from myself. I kept thinking it in between sending a message to the universe that I just need help. Then all of a sudden I remembered someone saying something about how they said something like  "I can't stand myself anymore" and then asked what does that even mean. I realized it was Eckhart Tolle who said it on an episode of Super Soul Sunday. I have the episode saved on my DVR so I decided to watch it. He talks about being in the moment and self awareness and the difference between our minds and our spirits. His big "aha" moment, as Oprah likes to describe things, was one night during a time in his life when he was close to suicide and possibly on the verge of a nervous break down. He said to himself "I can't stand myself anymore" then somehow the question came to him of what does that mean and who is the 'I' and who is the 'self'? Is there a difference? Who can't 'I' stand exactly? That's when the separation and the awareness began for him. The 'I' is the spirit and consciousness, which is who we really are. And the 'self' is the ego, the mind, our thoughts. Awareness is spirit speaking to spirit. Some people are so consumed by their thoughts that they don't even know there is a separation and sometimes they can't even be open to the idea of it. So after watching this interview which I've already seen a few times in my life I realized that my mind had taken over. Those thoughts that make me "crazy" aren't even real. It's just my mind and my ego trying to cause problems because apparently that's what they're meant to do. It's still hard to wrap my "mind" around it sometimes but at the same time it makes sense to me. And whenever I remember this I feel so much better. And when I forget it all is when I feel disconnected.

Eckhart Tolle says that we just need to be still and in the moment because that's really all we have. The past is the past and the future is the future and we have neither of those things. After watching the episode I decided to sit in my backyard for awhile. Get some fresh air and enjoy the sounds of the birds and the wind chimes. I closed my eyes and said over and over again "I am here". And today those words have a completely different meaning. They mean more than I am here in the moment they mean 'I' big capital giant sized letter 'I' is here. My true self is here right now and I am back. My mind is still here it's just not as strong this morning as it has been in recent weeks. I'm feeling better than I was but I also have the sense that I'm on the edge and I can easily slip in either direction. But I do believe that today I'll be more likely to slip into the right direction and if I do feel my 'self' coming on too strong I think I'm aware enough right now to say I am here and I'll be ok.

A friend told me a couple of days ago to get out of my head. Those words make so much more sense when I acknowledge that there is a difference between who I really am and what my mind is telling me.

I am here.
I am not my thoughts.

♥