Compassion

Ok...originally when I logged into my little blog here I had it all planned out in my head what I was going to say. I'll be honest. It was going to be a rant about something that really bugs me and how I don't understand how I'm supposed to have compassion and understanding for this person and why they might be doing what it is they're doing that's driving me nuts.

I'm going to rant just a little anyway...just so I can bring you through the same thought process I went through.

Let's just say I don't understand why it's so hard to put the silverware in the designated spot in the silverware drawer divider thingy. I understand all of the spots are the same shape so you have to self designate but still. It's obvious that everything can have it's own spot. I've designated spots and it's clear what should go where when you open the drawer. There's a place for the spoons, the forks, and the knives. For some reason a particular person likes to just throw it all in there willy nilly. I don't mean they just put it in the "wrong" spot. I mean it's all literally thrown in there and every slot has a mixture of items in it. Sometimes it's just a mountain of silverware and next thing you know I'm digging for a spoon under a pile of tangled forks and knives. Since I was the only one home at the time I shouted "why is it so hard?!" and proceeded to organize the silverware drawer. It took no more than a minute to do it I'm sure. In my mind I wondered why it just doesn't happen while the silverware is being put away. I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon? I was irritated. That's when the question of compassion came to mind. That's when I started to wonder...really? I'm supposed to just let this slide because this person may be going through something I don't know about that causes complete disorganization and carelessness?

So that's when I decided to check and see what Brene´ has to say about it, after all it is one of the gifts of imperfection. (I've totally been slacking on my reading though) I knew I had highlighted some stuff in the beginning of the book about compassion. I also decided to look up the definition of the word.

According to Merriam-Webster, compassion means a sympathetic consciousness of other's distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Hmm...so when you feel compassion that means not only do you know and maybe understand how the other person feels but it also means you want to help them feel better? I think I kind of thought that compassion meant you can understand what the other person is going through so you give them a break in a way. Like maybe you aren't as harsh on them or you just let things slide....

I'm a little bit confused with myself right now. Why wouldn't I know that compassion involves wanting to alleviate another person's distress? At the same time when I notice a close friend is struggling and I do understand or try to understand and know the situation I of course want to help them out, but I didn't know that was compassion. Is it compassion? Also, how come it's easier to feel compassion for some people than it is others. I sort of feel a little ashamed right now for not having more compassion for people in my family. Maybe I'm more judgmental than I thought, especially when it comes to the members of my family. Which is crazy because I always feel like they're judging me. Holy cow. I'm having a major moment right now.

Even though there's a part of me that wants to put blame on certain people for why I am the way I am and there's a part of me that wants to pull out the argument one of my siblings often uses, which is "well, you raised me!" ...I know I can't. I'm old enough now where I have to take responsibility for things.

In the book  Brene´ quotes Pema Chodron, "When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us."  Chodron also says, "In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience--our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

I have to read those words slowly and several times in order for it to all really sink in.

"Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." This line really sticks with me for some reason. After reading these quotes that I highlighted I was no longer irritated with the silverware or the person who did it but I was slightly irritated with myself and the fact that Chodron is obviously right.

What is my darkness, exactly, that makes me so irritated about some jumbled up silverware? Why do I find it necessary for it to be organized and easily accessible? If I understand that then maybe I won't be so bothered by whatever darkness it is causing the other person to do things like be unorganized. "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." It's true, right? I mean normally if we find ourselves wanting to blow up at something it really  has nothing to do with them or what they did and everything to do with ourselves. Whatever they do has nothing to do with us and everything to do with themselves and whatever we do has nothing to do with them and everything to do with ourselves. Once we can understand ourselves better it's easier to be around other people even when they've got all their issues hanging around. Also...isn't it true that when we're bothered by someone else beyond measure it usually means that whatever they did really just triggered something in us that we don't like about ourselves, but if we aren't aware of that we end up lashing out or something?

So if I know that there is something going on with me that makes it hard to do something simple like put my shoes away or not let dishes accumulate in my room then it's possible there's something going on with someone else that makes them not want to keep a silverware drawer organized. Right? So maybe next time I should just let it go. Or maybe I should try to understand where the other person is coming from and try to help?

I just struggle with these kinds of things...because we're also supposed to have boundaries and accountability, right?

Well what do you think? What does compassion mean to you? How do you practice it when you're in a situation where compassion for a person doesn't come naturally? How do you balance having compassion and boundaries? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

♥


PS-"I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon?"

The silverware drawer is a metaphor for my life. Surely if my life was a little more organized inside and out it would be "easier". I'm constantly digging through all of my mess to find what I need, whether it be a pile of laundry or the mess that lives inside my mind. lol!