I have to warn you...I don't know where this post is going to go, but it's not going to start off very pretty. So if you don't want to read it I'll understand.

I'm in a terrible mood. Do you ever have one of those days where you just wake up and you're irritated with yourself and you're irritated with every one else? Like all of this stuff just built up and is now ready to explode. I'd like to think that these days I do a pretty good job of staying positive or at least just letting things flow rather than dwelling on something. Or maybe I really have just been burying stuff even though I thought I just reworked the way I view certain situations.

I don't know.

All I know is this. I woke up at 6am today, which is exactly the time I want to wake up. It's the exact time I set my alarm for. It's what I put down on my daily schedule. I was awake enough to stay awake...but I went back to sleep. Why did I go back to sleep? The only explanation I have is that I can't stand it when someone in my house says "why are you up so early?" or "you're up early" in a tone of voice that implies judgement of some sort. So instead of being myself and who I want to be and doing what I want to do I go back to my room and instead of staying awake in my room and meditating or journaling or something...I just lay back down. I try to justify this by saying this is my manifestation time...because I knew I was going to lay there and daydream about another life. I reset my alarm to go off in 30 minutes but when it went off I just turned it off and continued to sleep until 7:30 when my niece came in the room to tell me goodbye.

I'm irritated with myself because I went back to sleep. I'm irritated with myself because I didn't do what I want to do all because I was too worried about the hassle of dealing with judgement from other people. Why do I care what they say? Why do they care if I wake up early?

So this snowballs of course into me dwelling on my irritation with them. It grows into this burning desire to move out....which then turns into being angry with myself because I can't afford to move out. I'm angry because I'm supposed to make the best of the situation I'm in and either I can't seem to do that or this is the best. If this is the best then that's pretty upsetting as well. Why can't I afford to move out? Is it because I'm lazy...is it because I don't know how to budget money... is it because I'm a loser who doesn't have her shit together? Then I start to think about how maybe I wouldn't be so lazy/lack discipline if someone had taught me to be productive and showed me discipline. Maybe I would know how to budget money if it had ever been explained to me while growing up. Maybe I could have learned a lot of things about life and how to go through it if someone had found some sort of extracurricular activity for me to participate in. Maybe just because my 6 year old self didn't feel right punching and kicking people in karate it didn't mean I wouldn't feel right doing something else. Instead of assuming I wouldn't like anything after one trial and error why not give me a chance to do something else?

Yes obviously I have issues with my parents. I'm not saying I had a terrible family life or anything like that. I'm just saying that on the days when I'm trying my hardest to teach myself important life lessons and things either aren't clicking or I'm just plain exhausted....yeah I get angry about how some of this could have been prevented.

Then I throw a fit. This whole blog post is part of my fit. I sat in my bed writing in my journal feeling angry and feeling like I know I'm supposed to be writing positive affirmations rather than negative ones. I sat there stewing it all over to the point where I wanted to throw something or scream. I sat there not wanting to move and then I threw my pillow down and something in me said "stop it right now and get the fuck up". So I got up and still feeling completely angry I forced myself to make breakfast and engage in small talk about bird feeders while I was standing in the kitchen. Then I marched myself back into my room where I could continue to throw my fit and be angry.

I know I'm almost done with it now because I'm starting to feel bad about it. I feel bad because somewhere inside of me I know that this is the life experience I was and am supposed to have. I was supposed to grow up in a situation where one day as an adult I would be actively teaching myself how to be a responsible and decent human being.

I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or guilty or anything at all about all of this that just happened this morning. This blog post. My journal entry. The thoughts in my head. I don' t know. I almost don't even want to post this because I don't want to put any negative vibes out there into the world and because maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want anyone to think I'm a terrible person.

However, I guess the truth is that these moments are a part of who I am. I'm not perfectly positive all the time. I don't make it through every day with acceptance of my current position. Putting this out there  for people to see involves being vulnerable I guess and from what I understand being vulnerable leads to accepting who we are and accepting who we are leads to living a happier life.

So there it is. Now I'm going to walk away from this post feeling the same way I do when I'm venting to a friend about something and they have a completely different point of view from mine and not only is it different but it's right. Which means I'm no longer allowed to be angry and irritated. You know what I'm talking about. That feeling of "you're right. but I really just wanted to be negative and angry all day and now I can't be." You know....cause being negative and angry is easier than be happy for some strange reason.

I suppose I'll go about the rest of my day with a different attitude from what I had when I started this post. That's something I should be grateful for. The ability to work my way out of a bad mood a lot quicker now than I was ever able to before. It's amazing what a little bit of typing can do for the soul.

Happy Tuesday. (I feel like I can say that now and actually mean it)

♥