Live Today

"Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don't rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you're doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out with Perry?

You're cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you're stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It's now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you'll never know."
- Jerry Spinelli, Love, Stargirl

♥

let's be random

Me: I'm leaving! I have to go to work, bye.
4 year old niece: Are you going to go take pictures now?   (I ♥ her)
Mimi: No. She has to go to work.
Me: *sigh* Mom.... she knows I take pictures for work.
Mimi: Oh.
8 year old nephew #1: Save me some chicken!
Me: Chicken?
8 year old nephew #1: Yeah...like from the buffet
Me: I don't work at a buffet...
8 y.o. nephew #1: oh
Everyone: LOL
Me: Ok, bye...
8 y.o. nephew #2: where do you work?
10 y.o. nephew: a Chinese restaurant!  (glad someone pays attention)
Me: *sigh*....the Chinese restaurant
8 y.o. nephew #2: oh.
My sister: hmmm Chinese food does sound good right now...

Random conversation this morning

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I would like to run away now. Do you think we can make that happen? Something isn't right. 

2. Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. -Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

I always forget this.

♥

So Glad I'm In a Good Mood Today

You know I'm starting to feel like myself again when I consider taking a picture of my morning cup of coffee..... or when I pull out my phone and take pictures with it as soon as I wake up, or when I'm done brushing my teeth I decide to water the plants I've been neglecting, or when I decide to meditate, write in my journal, actually eat breakfast, make my bed....

Maybe the last 3 weeks when I've been feeling completely not myself were 3 weeks of me dreading my birthday. I have a completely different attitude today compared to yesterday. I thought I would have to tell people I had a horrible birthday but I don't feel like that now. I feel like I can't complain about it. It may not have been what I hoped for or would have liked but by the end of the day it was good.

This morning as I was writing in my journal I remembered a quote that has something to do with how we suffer when we can't accept things for what they are. I don't remember it exactly but this one is somewhat close to what I was thinking.

"Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'."-Eckhart Tolle

What I was feeling yesterday and the days before I guess could be considered stress... stress in the form of depression and sadness and bitterness and the over usage of the 'f' word. I was a different version of myself last week. The version of myself that can be funny in a bitter kind of way and I curse up a storm when I'm upset and I was almost always upset....so yeah....

It wasn't necessarily a matter of here or there but I was wishing a lot of things would happen a certain way even though I knew they wouldn't. I knew and I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to accept the truth of who my family is so I allowed myself to be upset about it. If I can just learn to accept that things are the way they are I wouldn't find myself so disappointed at the end of the day. I wouldn't find myself anticipating disappointment. It's a terrible way to live.

I'm feeling better today though. I know everything happens in waves. I know that this good feeling I have today will pass just like the terrible feeling I had yesterday passed. I'm just glad for today. I'm glad I'm not feeling completely miserable anymore.

It feels good and I am grateful for this new wave...no matter how long it lasts.

♥

Notes to Self

• do not step on the scale. it will only make your day seem worse.
• do not eat an obscene amount of the kids' fruit snacks.
• stop with the coffee already.
• sleeping helps...a little.
• don't be so picky with your editing.
• get some fresh air.
• share the things that make you smile.
• do not step on that scale..... I mean it!
• listen to some Louis Armstrong, it makes you feel good.
• breathe....you always forget to do that.

♡

Saturday Blues

I'm completely off track with my happiness project and with everything else like meditating and doing my laundry. For some reason my indoor plants aren't doing so well. I can't remember the last time I had water rather than coffee to drink. And I keep having flashbacks....the kind where it's not just my mind that goes somewhere in the past but the way the air feels around me changes and I really actually forget for a brief moment when and where I am.

I guess I'm about to just put my heart all out on this blog today. That's a warning. I'm not sure if I've written about this before or not but it doesn't really matter because I'm going to type my heart out regardless.

Every now and then I get so sad I can barely move. It typically happens on exceptionally beautiful days...like today. As much as I don't like to admit it because I think it's silly...I'm sad because I'm single. For those of you who don't really know me I'm not the kind of girl who has to be in a relationship at all times. I don't jump from one to another. I'm the opposite. I'm the girl who has been single for the majority of her life. Only 2 serious relationships. Anything else was just a brief encounter of some sort. I don't even understand how it appears to happen so easily for other people. Or for those people who do jump from one relationship to another how is it that there's always someone there, there's always a door open when another one closes? When it comes to the world of dating and relationships it's like I'm walking down this ridiculously long doorless and windowless hall way that never freaking ends. I try to tell myself that when the time is right it will happen for me and blah blah blah. But really...what if it's not supposed to? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can turn to for support in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because it's that time of the month and I'm a freaking crazy person who won't stop thinking? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can share my exciting news with or experience fun and happy things with? What if I'm not supposed to have someone in my life who can give me a hug at the end of the day or someone who knows when I need to be babied and when I need a kick in the butt? I mean what if I am supposed to be alone? What if I am supposed to be the only source of support and comfort for myself? What if I'm not supposed to have kids of my own one day? What if I'm not supposed to be in love ever again.

I know if I'm supposed to have all of these things I believe I want then they will happen one day. But the reality of it all is that those things may not be part of what I'm here on this earth for. I don't know what I'm here for and I have no clue what it all entails. I know I'm not supposed to worry but sometimes it's hard. It's hard when I have flashbacks to moments I had with an ex. It's hard when my mind brings me back to a time when I did have someone to hug at the end of the day and I did have someone to just experience life with. It's hard when I have dreams that I'm somewhere else and then I wake up feeling as though I had just been torn away from something or someone important. I wake up feeling like I miss someone terribly and I have no idea who that someone is.

Today my heart aches because I'm lonely and because I feel invisible and ignored. The people who ask how I'm doing don't really want to know and if they knew they wouldn't even know what to say. So it's a beautiful day outside and I'm in here feeling miserable and crying my eyes out. I wish I could change my perspective right now. I wish I could make up my mind to be happy. I wish I could be happy with what I have and where I am right now. But today is just one of those days where it hurts so deeply that I can't get myself out. I know I'll be fine in a few days.

All I can do is wait it out.

♡