Saturday Blues

I'm completely off track with my happiness project and with everything else like meditating and doing my laundry. For some reason my indoor plants aren't doing so well. I can't remember the last time I had water rather than coffee to drink. And I keep having flashbacks....the kind where it's not just my mind that goes somewhere in the past but the way the air feels around me changes and I really actually forget for a brief moment when and where I am.

I guess I'm about to just put my heart all out on this blog today. That's a warning. I'm not sure if I've written about this before or not but it doesn't really matter because I'm going to type my heart out regardless.

Every now and then I get so sad I can barely move. It typically happens on exceptionally beautiful days...like today. As much as I don't like to admit it because I think it's silly...I'm sad because I'm single. For those of you who don't really know me I'm not the kind of girl who has to be in a relationship at all times. I don't jump from one to another. I'm the opposite. I'm the girl who has been single for the majority of her life. Only 2 serious relationships. Anything else was just a brief encounter of some sort. I don't even understand how it appears to happen so easily for other people. Or for those people who do jump from one relationship to another how is it that there's always someone there, there's always a door open when another one closes? When it comes to the world of dating and relationships it's like I'm walking down this ridiculously long doorless and windowless hall way that never freaking ends. I try to tell myself that when the time is right it will happen for me and blah blah blah. But really...what if it's not supposed to? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can turn to for support in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because it's that time of the month and I'm a freaking crazy person who won't stop thinking? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can share my exciting news with or experience fun and happy things with? What if I'm not supposed to have someone in my life who can give me a hug at the end of the day or someone who knows when I need to be babied and when I need a kick in the butt? I mean what if I am supposed to be alone? What if I am supposed to be the only source of support and comfort for myself? What if I'm not supposed to have kids of my own one day? What if I'm not supposed to be in love ever again.

I know if I'm supposed to have all of these things I believe I want then they will happen one day. But the reality of it all is that those things may not be part of what I'm here on this earth for. I don't know what I'm here for and I have no clue what it all entails. I know I'm not supposed to worry but sometimes it's hard. It's hard when I have flashbacks to moments I had with an ex. It's hard when my mind brings me back to a time when I did have someone to hug at the end of the day and I did have someone to just experience life with. It's hard when I have dreams that I'm somewhere else and then I wake up feeling as though I had just been torn away from something or someone important. I wake up feeling like I miss someone terribly and I have no idea who that someone is.

Today my heart aches because I'm lonely and because I feel invisible and ignored. The people who ask how I'm doing don't really want to know and if they knew they wouldn't even know what to say. So it's a beautiful day outside and I'm in here feeling miserable and crying my eyes out. I wish I could change my perspective right now. I wish I could make up my mind to be happy. I wish I could be happy with what I have and where I am right now. But today is just one of those days where it hurts so deeply that I can't get myself out. I know I'll be fine in a few days.

All I can do is wait it out.

♡