I carried my water and coffee to my room this morning feeling slightly grumbly and anticipating how the day may play out. I thought to myself TGIF....then I realized it's been a really long time since I've actually been able to celebrate, along with most people in the world, this brief holiday that appears at the end of every week. At 4pm today I'll be done. I'll be done for the 3 minutes it takes for me to get to my house from the new job I have. Then I'll walk in the door and everyone will demand my attention, just like yesterday. One nephew asking me for help with the computer, another asking me questions about my job, my mom telling me one story after another, another nephew wanting me to sit and watch him play a game, my mom asking me to do her a favor..... all before I have a chance to breathe or take my shoes off or change into my pajamas. (I change my clothes as soon as I get home from anywhere. It's a comfort thing) All of this before I have a chance to wash my hands or use the bathroom or even breathe. I finally sit down briefly only to get up again for something else. Then I have to listen to all of the complications that go along with getting two 8 year olds ready for baseball practice. Then we get to have a mini celebration for the 10 year old's birthday. After that I sit for an hour or two. The first time I've been able to sit since 10:30 in the morning. Then I have to get up again so I can attempt to clean an entire 4 bedroom house all on my own. I only make it through the living room and part of the kitchen before I have to call it quits. I over eat my feelings in pizza and drown myself in show after show I have saved to the DVR.
This is my life right now. I'm not married, I don't own a house and I don't have any kids....but somehow I feel like how my day went yesterday is similar to what a lot of parents deal with on a regular basis. I'm not sure how they do it and I don't feel right venting to them about my day. A lot of my friends are parents. I can't vent to them about it because they'll have no clue why I'm being such a baby. Then I remind myself that I have a right to be a little frustrated and tired about it all because my life isn't their life. Like I said...I don't have kids and I'm single and if I lived on my own I wouldn't choose to live in a 4 bedroom house that I couldn't keep up with.
I'm not going to say it's easy to stay happy when you don't have a lot of things going on in your life or responsibilities. I'm not going to say it was easier for me to be happy before I decided to throw another job into the mix. A job where I work 30 hours a week in a restaurant. But the thought did cross my mind for a brief moment....well, no wonder I was able to focus on my happiness project and no wonder I could find a way to calm myself and no wonder it was easier for me to sit down and think about what I was actually feeling rather than just reacting. No wonder I was feeling happier....I had time to do whatever the heck I wanted. I was in charge of my schedule. Unfortunately I wasn't making enough money doing that.
So here I am.
Stuck between trying to understand if I could have made it work without taking on another job, the whole accepting what you have thing and you have everything you need, I always have enough....stuck between all of that and the fact that we have to make money in order to live in the world that we are in.
Or I could view this as an opportunity to continue growing.
The job was presented to me for a reason and that reason isn't all about money I'm sure. I'm sure I can grow from this. Living a happy and wholehearted life isn't easy ever really.....but looking back on it now it did seem "easier" a week ago before I started this other job. And what I'm trying to get at I guess...is when your life is pretty consistent and you get comfortable the important thing is remembering how to stay positive and actively continue to stay on the path that you were on when there are challenges and changes being thrown at you.
It's not easy to stay happy regardless of what kind of life you lead. It is easy, I think, to go from being happy positive and connected to cranky, grumbly, jaded and disconnected. It's easy to start complaining about things. It's easy to tell yourself you don't have time for anything. It's easy to get upset about the changes that have appeared...even if you're the one who consciously invited the changes in.
So I started working on Monday and today is Friday. It hasn't even been a week yet and I'm exhausted. My body aches and when I wake up in the morning I'm slightly grouchy about it all. I sit at my computer dreaming of the days when I woke up and did absolutely nothing in the morning except enjoy the light coming through my window, the flowers in my room, and a hot cup of coffee. This morning I decided to take a picture of the light and the flowers and instagram it....to prove to myself that I can still do the things that make me happy. I'm hoping that I can get into the groove of things and still continue to do everything I was doing before. The only difference is that it will now have a little more structure to it. It's going to take work though. I'll have to fight the urges to sleep a little longer and I'll have to fight the urge to eat a poptart or something and still cook myself breakfast. I'll have to fight the urge to come home and immediately lay in bed. I'll have to fight the urge to skip my workouts. Fight the urge to eat my feelings. I'll have to work even harder at taking the time to meditate and write and work on the projects that bring me joy and I'll have to work harder at appreciating the time I do get to spend with all of my nephews and nieces.
It's going to be hard and it's going to be a lot of work.....but this is nothing new to me. Life is always a lot of work. Once your mind is open and you're more aware of yourself and the things around you there's no way to really turn that off.
I have to get going now... I'm gonna go work my 5.5 hour shift (which is totally short) and I'm going to work it and live in that moment as if it's a moment I specifically chose for myself to live...and the truth is I did choose it. Maybe I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into when I chose it, but I chose it. I'm going to try my hardest to remain positive and happy today....even if my feet are killing me right now, haha.
♥
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