You know I'm starting to feel like myself again when I consider taking a picture of my morning cup of coffee..... or when I pull out my phone and take pictures with it as soon as I wake up, or when I'm done brushing my teeth I decide to water the plants I've been neglecting, or when I decide to meditate, write in my journal, actually eat breakfast, make my bed....
Maybe the last 3 weeks when I've been feeling completely not myself were 3 weeks of me dreading my birthday. I have a completely different attitude today compared to yesterday. I thought I would have to tell people I had a horrible birthday but I don't feel like that now. I feel like I can't complain about it. It may not have been what I hoped for or would have liked but by the end of the day it was good.
This morning as I was writing in my journal I remembered a quote that has something to do with how we suffer when we can't accept things for what they are. I don't remember it exactly but this one is somewhat close to what I was thinking.
"Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'."-Eckhart Tolle
What I was feeling yesterday and the days before I guess could be considered stress... stress in the form of depression and sadness and bitterness and the over usage of the 'f' word. I was a different version of myself last week. The version of myself that can be funny in a bitter kind of way and I curse up a storm when I'm upset and I was almost always upset....so yeah....
It wasn't necessarily a matter of here or there but I was wishing a lot of things would happen a certain way even though I knew they wouldn't. I knew and I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to accept the truth of who my family is so I allowed myself to be upset about it. If I can just learn to accept that things are the way they are I wouldn't find myself so disappointed at the end of the day. I wouldn't find myself anticipating disappointment. It's a terrible way to live.
I'm feeling better today though. I know everything happens in waves. I know that this good feeling I have today will pass just like the terrible feeling I had yesterday passed. I'm just glad for today. I'm glad I'm not feeling completely miserable anymore.
It feels good and I am grateful for this new wave...no matter how long it lasts.
♥
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