I haven't been myself lately. For weeks now I've been feeling sort of disconnected, that was the only way I could explain how I felt when people that I'm close to asked how I was. I would say "I'm ok I guess, I just feel a little disconnected" They would then ask what I feel disconnected from and I had no real clue. I just knew something wasn't "right". Then last week I remember telling my friend that I was feeling weird...like I was here physically but really I was somewhere else. In the last month or so somehow I fell out of the habit of meditating and journaling. I stopped taking the time to be still. I don't know why I stopped but I did. I had a feeling all of that had something to do with my disconnection but I still couldn't convince myself to do any of those things...even if I did know that chances are I'd feel way better afterwards.
In the last week or two I've had several moments of what I like to call "crazy". A moment of crazy is something like being irrational, spinning stories in my head, over analyzing beyond the normal over analyzation, paranoia, anxiety and actually doing ridiculous things because of the paranoia. Last night I freaked out. I won't go into the details here...but let's just say it involved reading a facebook status and then being overcome with worry, doubt, and complete crazy girl insecurity and paranoia. And then I may or may not have sent a text to someone when really I should have just left it alone... I fell back to sleep after all of this and when I woke up this morning I knew I had to do something. I knew that some of my recent behavior and actions were all actions I took out of fear and worry, which is the worst time to take action. Those actions are never who I really am.
So this morning I sat up in my bed, closed my eyes, and tried to perform some sort of meditation. It wasn't working. The thought kept coming to my mind that I just need a vacation from myself. I kept thinking it in between sending a message to the universe that I just need help. Then all of a sudden I remembered someone saying something about how they said something like "I can't stand myself anymore" and then asked what does that even mean. I realized it was Eckhart Tolle who said it on an episode of Super Soul Sunday. I have the episode saved on my DVR so I decided to watch it. He talks about being in the moment and self awareness and the difference between our minds and our spirits. His big "aha" moment, as Oprah likes to describe things, was one night during a time in his life when he was close to suicide and possibly on the verge of a nervous break down. He said to himself "I can't stand myself anymore" then somehow the question came to him of what does that mean and who is the 'I' and who is the 'self'? Is there a difference? Who can't 'I' stand exactly? That's when the separation and the awareness began for him. The 'I' is the spirit and consciousness, which is who we really are. And the 'self' is the ego, the mind, our thoughts. Awareness is spirit speaking to spirit. Some people are so consumed by their thoughts that they don't even know there is a separation and sometimes they can't even be open to the idea of it. So after watching this interview which I've already seen a few times in my life I realized that my mind had taken over. Those thoughts that make me "crazy" aren't even real. It's just my mind and my ego trying to cause problems because apparently that's what they're meant to do. It's still hard to wrap my "mind" around it sometimes but at the same time it makes sense to me. And whenever I remember this I feel so much better. And when I forget it all is when I feel disconnected.
Eckhart Tolle says that we just need to be still and in the moment because that's really all we have. The past is the past and the future is the future and we have neither of those things. After watching the episode I decided to sit in my backyard for awhile. Get some fresh air and enjoy the sounds of the birds and the wind chimes. I closed my eyes and said over and over again "I am here". And today those words have a completely different meaning. They mean more than I am here in the moment they mean 'I' big capital giant sized letter 'I' is here. My true self is here right now and I am back. My mind is still here it's just not as strong this morning as it has been in recent weeks. I'm feeling better than I was but I also have the sense that I'm on the edge and I can easily slip in either direction. But I do believe that today I'll be more likely to slip into the right direction and if I do feel my 'self' coming on too strong I think I'm aware enough right now to say I am here and I'll be ok.
A friend told me a couple of days ago to get out of my head. Those words make so much more sense when I acknowledge that there is a difference between who I really am and what my mind is telling me.
I am here.
I am not my thoughts.
♥
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
My Mondays
It's been too long since I've written anything here. My mind has been all over the place lately.
So it's Monday. I'm noticing a pattern here. On Monday I tend to feel the need for some self nurturing or relaxation. I want to spend the day enjoying whatever the weather is, reading a book, contemplating quotes, drinking coffee, listening to music and all while wearing something that makes me feel good. Lately I've beaten myself up for feeling this way on a Monday morning, because aren't Mondays supposed to be the day you get back to work? The day you get back into the routine you fell out of over the weekend? Even just last year I was totally loving Mondays because they did mean it was time to get back into a routine and feel productive. I guess I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Well I know I'm not the same person I was a year ago. So why should I try to be that person or any version of myself I was in the past? I guess this is why being in the moment and being self aware is important. What worked for me a few months ago may not work for me now and that's ok.
I realize that my perfect Monday may just sound like I'm trying to give myself a 3 day weekend...that's part of the reason why I've been beating myself up about it. Why do I deserve a 3 day weekend? The truth is, it's not really a 3 day weekend. At least not for me. A lot of the time now my Saturdays are work days...if I don't have a photo shoot scheduled I'm meeting up with my friend/new business partner to go over things for at least half the day. Sunday mornings I may be laying in bed watching Super Soul Sunday but that's also the day where I do laundry and clean up a little bit. And sometimes I throw in a little bit of socializing and for me socializing is stressful, so it's not always relaxing the way it should be. So my weekends aren't what I think a typical weekend is for most people. My weekend isn't a complete break from working. I've realized that maybe on Monday I just need time to recover from excess time around family or from working or from socializing and doing chores. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter how anyone else does it. What matters is what works for me and if I'm being productive during my actual "work time".
So this morning I spent just a short time feeling crappy about how I was laying in bed going through a book about the paleo "diet"/way of living. I only felt bad about not getting up before 8am for a little while. Then for some reason I realized that this is ok. It's ok for my Mondays to be like this. If I want to wake up and drink coffee in bed while reading whatever I choose to read it's ok. If I want to sit on my computer watching reruns of Super Soul Sunday or blogging or posting things to the happiness group and contemplating my own happiness project...it's all ok. Just accept it and move on and when my Monday routine feels the need to change again, it will. Something is always changing and I feel discomfort when the change comes and instead of getting all bent out of shape about it and feeling like a terrible human being I just have to accept it, roll with it and readjust. It's that simple (but so very hard sometimes).
I drove 4 hours on Thursday to spend some extra time with my brother and his family since my nephew's birthday party would be happening on Saturday. On Friday my parents got there. That's 5 adults and 3 kids running around and zero places for me to go when I need space. Plus I'm there to spend time with them not to be alone so even in those moments I so desperately want to be alone I don't allow it. Unless I'm taking a shower or using the bathroom. Saturday was the party. My sister and her daughter were there as well as my other brother and his 3 kids. My sister in law has a large family and when you add them to my family I think there's at least a total of 25...I'm sure there's more than that and I'm just losing track. Plus some of my nephew's friends from school were there along with their parents. It's a lot of people for someone like me to be around. It's nothing new though...I've been to enough of these birthday parties to know how many people will be there and I've met them all before and had conversations with them all. But sometimes I get super anxious about it. This time around a good bit of my sister in law's family arrived before the rest of my family did and my social anxiety had kicked in big time. I wanted to disappear and zone out. I preferred to sit outside and watch the kids play. I was playing around on my phone. I eventually calmed down and the anxiety wore off but I couldn't wait for the end of the day when everyone left and I could put my pajamas on...even if it was only 5pm. Social situations stress me out sometimes. Then on Sunday it was time to make the 4 hour drive back home, which can sometimes be mind numbing and ridiculously uncomfortable. By the time I got home I was just so completely worn out. (And so completely happy that I cleaned my room, made the bed and put all of my laundry away before I even left on Thursday)
So with all of that going on for 4 days, why shouldn't I do whatever I need to do today to get myself back on track. To find some sort of balance. The sooner I accept that my work week isn't like everyone else's and doesn't have to be, the sooner I'll be happier and probably more productive. I'll spend less time worrying what other people think about how I'm spending my Monday and more time being me.
Happy Monday!
♥
So it's Monday. I'm noticing a pattern here. On Monday I tend to feel the need for some self nurturing or relaxation. I want to spend the day enjoying whatever the weather is, reading a book, contemplating quotes, drinking coffee, listening to music and all while wearing something that makes me feel good. Lately I've beaten myself up for feeling this way on a Monday morning, because aren't Mondays supposed to be the day you get back to work? The day you get back into the routine you fell out of over the weekend? Even just last year I was totally loving Mondays because they did mean it was time to get back into a routine and feel productive. I guess I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Well I know I'm not the same person I was a year ago. So why should I try to be that person or any version of myself I was in the past? I guess this is why being in the moment and being self aware is important. What worked for me a few months ago may not work for me now and that's ok.
I realize that my perfect Monday may just sound like I'm trying to give myself a 3 day weekend...that's part of the reason why I've been beating myself up about it. Why do I deserve a 3 day weekend? The truth is, it's not really a 3 day weekend. At least not for me. A lot of the time now my Saturdays are work days...if I don't have a photo shoot scheduled I'm meeting up with my friend/new business partner to go over things for at least half the day. Sunday mornings I may be laying in bed watching Super Soul Sunday but that's also the day where I do laundry and clean up a little bit. And sometimes I throw in a little bit of socializing and for me socializing is stressful, so it's not always relaxing the way it should be. So my weekends aren't what I think a typical weekend is for most people. My weekend isn't a complete break from working. I've realized that maybe on Monday I just need time to recover from excess time around family or from working or from socializing and doing chores. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter how anyone else does it. What matters is what works for me and if I'm being productive during my actual "work time".
So this morning I spent just a short time feeling crappy about how I was laying in bed going through a book about the paleo "diet"/way of living. I only felt bad about not getting up before 8am for a little while. Then for some reason I realized that this is ok. It's ok for my Mondays to be like this. If I want to wake up and drink coffee in bed while reading whatever I choose to read it's ok. If I want to sit on my computer watching reruns of Super Soul Sunday or blogging or posting things to the happiness group and contemplating my own happiness project...it's all ok. Just accept it and move on and when my Monday routine feels the need to change again, it will. Something is always changing and I feel discomfort when the change comes and instead of getting all bent out of shape about it and feeling like a terrible human being I just have to accept it, roll with it and readjust. It's that simple (but so very hard sometimes).
I drove 4 hours on Thursday to spend some extra time with my brother and his family since my nephew's birthday party would be happening on Saturday. On Friday my parents got there. That's 5 adults and 3 kids running around and zero places for me to go when I need space. Plus I'm there to spend time with them not to be alone so even in those moments I so desperately want to be alone I don't allow it. Unless I'm taking a shower or using the bathroom. Saturday was the party. My sister and her daughter were there as well as my other brother and his 3 kids. My sister in law has a large family and when you add them to my family I think there's at least a total of 25...I'm sure there's more than that and I'm just losing track. Plus some of my nephew's friends from school were there along with their parents. It's a lot of people for someone like me to be around. It's nothing new though...I've been to enough of these birthday parties to know how many people will be there and I've met them all before and had conversations with them all. But sometimes I get super anxious about it. This time around a good bit of my sister in law's family arrived before the rest of my family did and my social anxiety had kicked in big time. I wanted to disappear and zone out. I preferred to sit outside and watch the kids play. I was playing around on my phone. I eventually calmed down and the anxiety wore off but I couldn't wait for the end of the day when everyone left and I could put my pajamas on...even if it was only 5pm. Social situations stress me out sometimes. Then on Sunday it was time to make the 4 hour drive back home, which can sometimes be mind numbing and ridiculously uncomfortable. By the time I got home I was just so completely worn out. (And so completely happy that I cleaned my room, made the bed and put all of my laundry away before I even left on Thursday)
So with all of that going on for 4 days, why shouldn't I do whatever I need to do today to get myself back on track. To find some sort of balance. The sooner I accept that my work week isn't like everyone else's and doesn't have to be, the sooner I'll be happier and probably more productive. I'll spend less time worrying what other people think about how I'm spending my Monday and more time being me.
Happy Monday!
♥
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I have to warn you...I don't know where this post is going to go, but it's not going to start off very pretty. So if you don't want to read it I'll understand.
I'm in a terrible mood. Do you ever have one of those days where you just wake up and you're irritated with yourself and you're irritated with every one else? Like all of this stuff just built up and is now ready to explode. I'd like to think that these days I do a pretty good job of staying positive or at least just letting things flow rather than dwelling on something. Or maybe I really have just been burying stuff even though I thought I just reworked the way I view certain situations.
I don't know.
All I know is this. I woke up at 6am today, which is exactly the time I want to wake up. It's the exact time I set my alarm for. It's what I put down on my daily schedule. I was awake enough to stay awake...but I went back to sleep. Why did I go back to sleep? The only explanation I have is that I can't stand it when someone in my house says "why are you up so early?" or "you're up early" in a tone of voice that implies judgement of some sort. So instead of being myself and who I want to be and doing what I want to do I go back to my room and instead of staying awake in my room and meditating or journaling or something...I just lay back down. I try to justify this by saying this is my manifestation time...because I knew I was going to lay there and daydream about another life. I reset my alarm to go off in 30 minutes but when it went off I just turned it off and continued to sleep until 7:30 when my niece came in the room to tell me goodbye.
I'm irritated with myself because I went back to sleep. I'm irritated with myself because I didn't do what I want to do all because I was too worried about the hassle of dealing with judgement from other people. Why do I care what they say? Why do they care if I wake up early?
So this snowballs of course into me dwelling on my irritation with them. It grows into this burning desire to move out....which then turns into being angry with myself because I can't afford to move out. I'm angry because I'm supposed to make the best of the situation I'm in and either I can't seem to do that or this is the best. If this is the best then that's pretty upsetting as well. Why can't I afford to move out? Is it because I'm lazy...is it because I don't know how to budget money... is it because I'm a loser who doesn't have her shit together? Then I start to think about how maybe I wouldn't be so lazy/lack discipline if someone had taught me to be productive and showed me discipline. Maybe I would know how to budget money if it had ever been explained to me while growing up. Maybe I could have learned a lot of things about life and how to go through it if someone had found some sort of extracurricular activity for me to participate in. Maybe just because my 6 year old self didn't feel right punching and kicking people in karate it didn't mean I wouldn't feel right doing something else. Instead of assuming I wouldn't like anything after one trial and error why not give me a chance to do something else?
Yes obviously I have issues with my parents. I'm not saying I had a terrible family life or anything like that. I'm just saying that on the days when I'm trying my hardest to teach myself important life lessons and things either aren't clicking or I'm just plain exhausted....yeah I get angry about how some of this could have been prevented.
Then I throw a fit. This whole blog post is part of my fit. I sat in my bed writing in my journal feeling angry and feeling like I know I'm supposed to be writing positive affirmations rather than negative ones. I sat there stewing it all over to the point where I wanted to throw something or scream. I sat there not wanting to move and then I threw my pillow down and something in me said "stop it right now and get the fuck up". So I got up and still feeling completely angry I forced myself to make breakfast and engage in small talk about bird feeders while I was standing in the kitchen. Then I marched myself back into my room where I could continue to throw my fit and be angry.
I know I'm almost done with it now because I'm starting to feel bad about it. I feel bad because somewhere inside of me I know that this is the life experience I was and am supposed to have. I was supposed to grow up in a situation where one day as an adult I would be actively teaching myself how to be a responsible and decent human being.
I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or guilty or anything at all about all of this that just happened this morning. This blog post. My journal entry. The thoughts in my head. I don' t know. I almost don't even want to post this because I don't want to put any negative vibes out there into the world and because maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want anyone to think I'm a terrible person.
However, I guess the truth is that these moments are a part of who I am. I'm not perfectly positive all the time. I don't make it through every day with acceptance of my current position. Putting this out there for people to see involves being vulnerable I guess and from what I understand being vulnerable leads to accepting who we are and accepting who we are leads to living a happier life.
So there it is. Now I'm going to walk away from this post feeling the same way I do when I'm venting to a friend about something and they have a completely different point of view from mine and not only is it different but it's right. Which means I'm no longer allowed to be angry and irritated. You know what I'm talking about. That feeling of "you're right. but I really just wanted to be negative and angry all day and now I can't be." You know....cause being negative and angry is easier than be happy for some strange reason.
I suppose I'll go about the rest of my day with a different attitude from what I had when I started this post. That's something I should be grateful for. The ability to work my way out of a bad mood a lot quicker now than I was ever able to before. It's amazing what a little bit of typing can do for the soul.
Happy Tuesday. (I feel like I can say that now and actually mean it)
♥
I'm in a terrible mood. Do you ever have one of those days where you just wake up and you're irritated with yourself and you're irritated with every one else? Like all of this stuff just built up and is now ready to explode. I'd like to think that these days I do a pretty good job of staying positive or at least just letting things flow rather than dwelling on something. Or maybe I really have just been burying stuff even though I thought I just reworked the way I view certain situations.
I don't know.
All I know is this. I woke up at 6am today, which is exactly the time I want to wake up. It's the exact time I set my alarm for. It's what I put down on my daily schedule. I was awake enough to stay awake...but I went back to sleep. Why did I go back to sleep? The only explanation I have is that I can't stand it when someone in my house says "why are you up so early?" or "you're up early" in a tone of voice that implies judgement of some sort. So instead of being myself and who I want to be and doing what I want to do I go back to my room and instead of staying awake in my room and meditating or journaling or something...I just lay back down. I try to justify this by saying this is my manifestation time...because I knew I was going to lay there and daydream about another life. I reset my alarm to go off in 30 minutes but when it went off I just turned it off and continued to sleep until 7:30 when my niece came in the room to tell me goodbye.
I'm irritated with myself because I went back to sleep. I'm irritated with myself because I didn't do what I want to do all because I was too worried about the hassle of dealing with judgement from other people. Why do I care what they say? Why do they care if I wake up early?
So this snowballs of course into me dwelling on my irritation with them. It grows into this burning desire to move out....which then turns into being angry with myself because I can't afford to move out. I'm angry because I'm supposed to make the best of the situation I'm in and either I can't seem to do that or this is the best. If this is the best then that's pretty upsetting as well. Why can't I afford to move out? Is it because I'm lazy...is it because I don't know how to budget money... is it because I'm a loser who doesn't have her shit together? Then I start to think about how maybe I wouldn't be so lazy/lack discipline if someone had taught me to be productive and showed me discipline. Maybe I would know how to budget money if it had ever been explained to me while growing up. Maybe I could have learned a lot of things about life and how to go through it if someone had found some sort of extracurricular activity for me to participate in. Maybe just because my 6 year old self didn't feel right punching and kicking people in karate it didn't mean I wouldn't feel right doing something else. Instead of assuming I wouldn't like anything after one trial and error why not give me a chance to do something else?
Yes obviously I have issues with my parents. I'm not saying I had a terrible family life or anything like that. I'm just saying that on the days when I'm trying my hardest to teach myself important life lessons and things either aren't clicking or I'm just plain exhausted....yeah I get angry about how some of this could have been prevented.
Then I throw a fit. This whole blog post is part of my fit. I sat in my bed writing in my journal feeling angry and feeling like I know I'm supposed to be writing positive affirmations rather than negative ones. I sat there stewing it all over to the point where I wanted to throw something or scream. I sat there not wanting to move and then I threw my pillow down and something in me said "stop it right now and get the fuck up". So I got up and still feeling completely angry I forced myself to make breakfast and engage in small talk about bird feeders while I was standing in the kitchen. Then I marched myself back into my room where I could continue to throw my fit and be angry.
I know I'm almost done with it now because I'm starting to feel bad about it. I feel bad because somewhere inside of me I know that this is the life experience I was and am supposed to have. I was supposed to grow up in a situation where one day as an adult I would be actively teaching myself how to be a responsible and decent human being.
I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or guilty or anything at all about all of this that just happened this morning. This blog post. My journal entry. The thoughts in my head. I don' t know. I almost don't even want to post this because I don't want to put any negative vibes out there into the world and because maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want anyone to think I'm a terrible person.
However, I guess the truth is that these moments are a part of who I am. I'm not perfectly positive all the time. I don't make it through every day with acceptance of my current position. Putting this out there for people to see involves being vulnerable I guess and from what I understand being vulnerable leads to accepting who we are and accepting who we are leads to living a happier life.
So there it is. Now I'm going to walk away from this post feeling the same way I do when I'm venting to a friend about something and they have a completely different point of view from mine and not only is it different but it's right. Which means I'm no longer allowed to be angry and irritated. You know what I'm talking about. That feeling of "you're right. but I really just wanted to be negative and angry all day and now I can't be." You know....cause being negative and angry is easier than be happy for some strange reason.
I suppose I'll go about the rest of my day with a different attitude from what I had when I started this post. That's something I should be grateful for. The ability to work my way out of a bad mood a lot quicker now than I was ever able to before. It's amazing what a little bit of typing can do for the soul.
Happy Tuesday. (I feel like I can say that now and actually mean it)
♥
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sunday
Today I'm feeling a pull. The pull to be somewhere else, to go, to experience something other than my current experience. Maybe it's the time change, maybe it's the itch to work in the garden, maybe it's the edge of spring I'm feeling. I don't feel like being a responsible adult right now. I don't feel like sorting out my student loan mess, I don't feel like working on a budget plan, I don't feel like cleaning my room, I don't feel like dusting, I don't feel like getting the oil changed in my car, I don't feel like worrying about health insurance, I don't feel like worrying about any of it.
What I do want is to ride on a ferris wheel, go to a beach where the water actually looks blue, I want a yard full of fresh fruit and veggies, I want to have a bbq, I want to see the mountains, I want to see a cow up close and personal, I want to dye my hair some crazy color, I want to wear sun dresses all day long, I want to eat ice cream, I want to see the sun rise and later I want to watch it set, I want to play in the rain, I want to go to a farmers market on Sunday, I want to have a picnic, I want to be surrounded by people I love who love me too, I want a fur ball of a kitten, I want to fly a kite, I want to see Mt. Rushmore and the Grand Canyon and the Redwoods, I want quiet but happy moments alone.
I just want to go. I want to run. I want to take a larger than life garbage bag and dump everything I have in it and then I just want to sit in the middle of my empty room and feel completely free.
Something is pulling me.
Something even stronger is pushing me back down.
I don't know what it is.
♥
What I do want is to ride on a ferris wheel, go to a beach where the water actually looks blue, I want a yard full of fresh fruit and veggies, I want to have a bbq, I want to see the mountains, I want to see a cow up close and personal, I want to dye my hair some crazy color, I want to wear sun dresses all day long, I want to eat ice cream, I want to see the sun rise and later I want to watch it set, I want to play in the rain, I want to go to a farmers market on Sunday, I want to have a picnic, I want to be surrounded by people I love who love me too, I want a fur ball of a kitten, I want to fly a kite, I want to see Mt. Rushmore and the Grand Canyon and the Redwoods, I want quiet but happy moments alone.
I just want to go. I want to run. I want to take a larger than life garbage bag and dump everything I have in it and then I just want to sit in the middle of my empty room and feel completely free.
Something is pulling me.
Something even stronger is pushing me back down.
I don't know what it is.
♥
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Thoughts
Here are some random thoughts for you:
- It's true. Good feelings pass just like bad feelings pass. And that's ok.
- I'm more aware of myself these days, especially in moments when I'm about to apologize for being who I am and thinking the things I think and believing the things I believe and doing the things I want to do. All because I just want to make sure someone likes me.
- I'm also aware of the fact that my ability to be open to new things and see other people's points of view and my lack of being a picky eater can all be misinterpreted and seen as trying to people please when I'm really not trying to do that at all.
- It's day 2 of my daily schedule and I have yet to follow the schedule today.
- I stayed up way too late last night.
- My body is sore from the first work out I've done in months. It feels good.
- Maybe I should plan a workout for every other day rather than every day?
- I've only recently begun to realize that I'm the kind of person who will try a different approach if the current one isn't working. Well what I mean is I've only just begun to realize that it doesn't make me a failure to keep trying different approaches.
- I'm tired but I don't want to sit or lay around all day. I'd rather have something to do that doesn't involve sitting at my desk.
- I noticed that playing sports really can teach you about life. After my nephews' first day of baseball practice ever in their lives, I believed the most important lesson to be learned there was that most times you have to run to the ball in order to catch it. You can't just stand there waiting for it to come directly to you. You have to make the catch happen. Too bad I didn't play any sports as a kid. Trying to learn things as an adult can be hard, haha.
- I'm still feeling the love
♥
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Love
During an interview with Oprah, Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) said that she asks herself every day "what do I really really really want?" She said you have to say 'really' three times or it doesn't work, haha. So in the mornings sometimes after my meditation I do a little writing in my journal. I write some affirmations and I just try to manifest some good things for myself. Sometimes I'll write the question down "what do I really really really want?". My answer for today was that I want to be in love. Not in love like romantically. Just IN love. Like I want to be love and all about love and just in it completely. I want to be in love with life. I want to feel the way I've felt before when I was in love with someone except now, without the someone. If that makes any sense. (although...to be in love with someone who is also in love with me wouldn't hurt, haha) Do you ever just all of a sudden have an overwhelming feeling of love, for what appears to be no reason at all? Well I do. It happens now. In the last 6 months I've experienced it more than just a few times and every time I feel it, it's like the most amazing thing in the world. Not even kidding. It's like all of a sudden everything is ok and I know it's ok and I know it's going to be ok. All of a sudden I'm just filled with joy and I want to dance around or share some goodness of some kind with someone.
It happened today. I got exactly what I asked for. I don't know what it was...and maybe I shouldn't question it. Maybe it came to me because I had the guts to ask for it directly. I asked the Universe for love and it was given to me. As soon as I recognized it I whispered "thank you" and smiled and thought about how amazing it is.
I had a good day. No, a great day. A really freaking great day. All I did was force myself out of bed at 6:04am (4 mins past my scheduled wake up time) and struggle my way through the early morning and my new daily schedule. All I did was take a walk/run on the treadmill and do a few ab exercises. I stayed focused while I did my work this morning. I congratulated myself for accomplishing something and being ten times more productive than usual rather than focusing on the fact that I was actually running behind my schedule all day. I didn't dwell on the fact that I lost focus completely around 1:30pm and even took an unscheduled 20 minute nap at some point. The second half of my schedule didn't happen at all, but I can work on it. And I feel good about it all, the accomplishments and the unfinished tasks. I feel good about the fact that I received a nice little letter from Seattle in the mail today. I feel good about putting some letters of my own out into the world. I feel good about seeing my niece this afternoon and watching two of my nephews at their first ever baseball practice. I just feel good. I feel loved. I don't know if it's coming from within myself or not...but maybe it is. Maybe I'm finally realizing that I do love myself enough to keep working on becoming a better over all person. Maybe it was some love from the Universe or God or whatever name you would like to give. (These days I'm calling "it" the Universe.)
I'm so excited right now I could cry. Right now in this moment I am IN love. I am straight up right in the middle of it. I am love. I am feeling it and experiencing it and I couldn't be more thankful. I wish everyone could feel this every day. I want to feel it every day...that's what I'm working towards.
I'm sending some love your way via a giant *air hug* :o)
♥
It happened today. I got exactly what I asked for. I don't know what it was...and maybe I shouldn't question it. Maybe it came to me because I had the guts to ask for it directly. I asked the Universe for love and it was given to me. As soon as I recognized it I whispered "thank you" and smiled and thought about how amazing it is.
I had a good day. No, a great day. A really freaking great day. All I did was force myself out of bed at 6:04am (4 mins past my scheduled wake up time) and struggle my way through the early morning and my new daily schedule. All I did was take a walk/run on the treadmill and do a few ab exercises. I stayed focused while I did my work this morning. I congratulated myself for accomplishing something and being ten times more productive than usual rather than focusing on the fact that I was actually running behind my schedule all day. I didn't dwell on the fact that I lost focus completely around 1:30pm and even took an unscheduled 20 minute nap at some point. The second half of my schedule didn't happen at all, but I can work on it. And I feel good about it all, the accomplishments and the unfinished tasks. I feel good about the fact that I received a nice little letter from Seattle in the mail today. I feel good about putting some letters of my own out into the world. I feel good about seeing my niece this afternoon and watching two of my nephews at their first ever baseball practice. I just feel good. I feel loved. I don't know if it's coming from within myself or not...but maybe it is. Maybe I'm finally realizing that I do love myself enough to keep working on becoming a better over all person. Maybe it was some love from the Universe or God or whatever name you would like to give. (These days I'm calling "it" the Universe.)
I'm so excited right now I could cry. Right now in this moment I am IN love. I am straight up right in the middle of it. I am love. I am feeling it and experiencing it and I couldn't be more thankful. I wish everyone could feel this every day. I want to feel it every day...that's what I'm working towards.
I'm sending some love your way via a giant *air hug* :o)
♥
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Accountability
Discipline?
Accountability?
Consequences?
Ah. I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately. I think deep down I've always known it was an issue. When it comes to a situation where other people are in charge I think I'm good. I mean when I work for someone else or even when I was in school (pre college days) I'm sure I do what I'm supposed to and I do it with a sense of urgency and importance. When I'm the one in charge of myself...well that's where my problems are. I think I remember being in high school and teachers warning us that once we're in college the teachers aren't going to put in the extra effort to make sure we get our work done. It will be up to us. We have to take the initiative to do what we need to do. It's our responsibility, no one else's. I've always been a procrastinator though, even in high school. I'm not even sure how I made it through seeing as how I always waited until the last minute to read the assigned books...if I read them at all. I was also that kid finishing up a paper minutes before it was time for bed the night before it was due. I guess I was lucky. I mean I didn't make exceptional grades and sometimes I wonder how much better they would have been if I would have had more discipline. I remember it always felt like a struggle though, just to get average grades. I remember being jealous of my sister who also waited until the last minute but got perfect grades. I remember complaining that I had to work my butt of to get those average grades. Looking back on it now, in a way, I did work my butt off.... fighting the procrastination and the lack of discipline was hard. It's still hard. I just didn't know back then that the procrastination was something that ran deep. It wasn't just a simple choice I made to not do my work.
So here I am as an adult still battling these things. I have the potential to be really freaking amazing at whatever I choose to do. I can't totally blame my lack of discipline for where I am today but it does play a big role. So if the way we were disciplined as children didn't quite work for us how do we discipline ourselves now? How do we teach ourselves? How do we hold ourselves accountable? How do we come up with consequences for ourselves?
When it comes to my nephews, if they misbehave or don't do something they were supposed to do I end up taking the video games away. When it gets really bad I may even take away the tv as well. Then I make them go outside to play... I'm no parent so who knows if what I'm doing is "right" or "wrong". But really when it comes to children we either take something away or put them in a time out. How do we translate that into adult situations?
If I don't finish my to-do list for the day I typically just let it go and feel kind of bad about it later while I'm watching Pretty Little Liars or Grey's Anatomy... So what if I don't do what I'm supposed to do for the day? Should I not allow myself to watch tv that night? Ok...well I'll just read instead. Or should I finish the work then watch tv? If I don't keep my room picked up or do the dishes....am I not allowed to go out with my friends this weekend? Do I take a time out? How does this work? How do I "punish" myself for "misbehaving"? And who's to say that once I do come up with a system for myself that I'll actually keep up with it?
How do you hold yourself accountable?
♥
Accountability?
Consequences?
Ah. I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately. I think deep down I've always known it was an issue. When it comes to a situation where other people are in charge I think I'm good. I mean when I work for someone else or even when I was in school (pre college days) I'm sure I do what I'm supposed to and I do it with a sense of urgency and importance. When I'm the one in charge of myself...well that's where my problems are. I think I remember being in high school and teachers warning us that once we're in college the teachers aren't going to put in the extra effort to make sure we get our work done. It will be up to us. We have to take the initiative to do what we need to do. It's our responsibility, no one else's. I've always been a procrastinator though, even in high school. I'm not even sure how I made it through seeing as how I always waited until the last minute to read the assigned books...if I read them at all. I was also that kid finishing up a paper minutes before it was time for bed the night before it was due. I guess I was lucky. I mean I didn't make exceptional grades and sometimes I wonder how much better they would have been if I would have had more discipline. I remember it always felt like a struggle though, just to get average grades. I remember being jealous of my sister who also waited until the last minute but got perfect grades. I remember complaining that I had to work my butt of to get those average grades. Looking back on it now, in a way, I did work my butt off.... fighting the procrastination and the lack of discipline was hard. It's still hard. I just didn't know back then that the procrastination was something that ran deep. It wasn't just a simple choice I made to not do my work.
So here I am as an adult still battling these things. I have the potential to be really freaking amazing at whatever I choose to do. I can't totally blame my lack of discipline for where I am today but it does play a big role. So if the way we were disciplined as children didn't quite work for us how do we discipline ourselves now? How do we teach ourselves? How do we hold ourselves accountable? How do we come up with consequences for ourselves?
When it comes to my nephews, if they misbehave or don't do something they were supposed to do I end up taking the video games away. When it gets really bad I may even take away the tv as well. Then I make them go outside to play... I'm no parent so who knows if what I'm doing is "right" or "wrong". But really when it comes to children we either take something away or put them in a time out. How do we translate that into adult situations?
If I don't finish my to-do list for the day I typically just let it go and feel kind of bad about it later while I'm watching Pretty Little Liars or Grey's Anatomy... So what if I don't do what I'm supposed to do for the day? Should I not allow myself to watch tv that night? Ok...well I'll just read instead. Or should I finish the work then watch tv? If I don't keep my room picked up or do the dishes....am I not allowed to go out with my friends this weekend? Do I take a time out? How does this work? How do I "punish" myself for "misbehaving"? And who's to say that once I do come up with a system for myself that I'll actually keep up with it?
How do you hold yourself accountable?
♥
Monday, March 4, 2013
Monday Morning Ramble
Even though I'm making progress I feel like something isn't working. Something isn't right. It's 8:24 in the morning and I've really only been awake for 30 minutes...I'm also typing this from my bed. If it weren't for my bladder I'd probably still be trying to sleep or just lay in a day dream. I used to wake up early every day (6am or 7am early). I used to look forward to Mondays. I used to go to the park and walk a few miles. I used to cook a good breakfast for myself. I used to sit in the back yard with a cup of coffee. I haven't done those things in months. On top of those things I'm slacking with my resolutions. Especially the ones I set for myself in January. The only one I'm consistent with is making the bed. I have a laundry basket full of clean clothes that need to be folded....it's been like that for 3 days. Without having to think too hard about it I believe I know what's holding me back. However, I don't think I'm ready to deal with it directly. I'd rather just run away from it and pretend it's ok. I mean really run away from it, like take myself physically away from the situation and pretend that these issues I have don't exist. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it I can't run away. I'm stuck here for now. It bothers me.
A part of me wants to be mad with myself because the longer I don't do something about it the longer the situation has control over me and what I do. Or is it wrong to think that one thing can have so much power? Is it wrong for me to think that everything will be fine once I can take care of this one area of my life? It's just that it's a huge area. It's a big big deal. I suppose I can either accept it for what it is and let it go or I can try to work on it. Working on it involves cooperation from the other side...which I'm not sure I'd get.
Today I'm feeling paralyzed. My brain is working and my mood isn't too bad but there's something pulling at me. That sad sort of feeling I get sometimes. That sad sort of feeling that makes it hard to function. That feeling that makes my legs feel like they weigh 300 pounds each and I can't move them. Then I get anxious from sitting or laying for too long. I start to worry what people will think if they know I'm not actually doing anything productive and what I'm really doing is laying in bed. It's moments like this when I know I have to force myself to move. Even if it hurts. I have to do something. I'm not so far down right now that I can't do something. But I'm on the edge of it.
I don't think doing work on the computer is going to be helpful today. It involves being practically immobile. So I think what I need to do and should do is something physical. I should clean up and maybe even get some sort of exercise. Maybe I can focus on all of my resolutions and check off as many as I can. Knowing that I can do those things gives me hope. Knowing that what I'm feeling right now won't last forever helps me to trust that I'll be just fine. Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side.
Hmm...my legs are feeling a little lighter already. :o) Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side and other times all I have to do is write it out.
♥
A part of me wants to be mad with myself because the longer I don't do something about it the longer the situation has control over me and what I do. Or is it wrong to think that one thing can have so much power? Is it wrong for me to think that everything will be fine once I can take care of this one area of my life? It's just that it's a huge area. It's a big big deal. I suppose I can either accept it for what it is and let it go or I can try to work on it. Working on it involves cooperation from the other side...which I'm not sure I'd get.
Today I'm feeling paralyzed. My brain is working and my mood isn't too bad but there's something pulling at me. That sad sort of feeling I get sometimes. That sad sort of feeling that makes it hard to function. That feeling that makes my legs feel like they weigh 300 pounds each and I can't move them. Then I get anxious from sitting or laying for too long. I start to worry what people will think if they know I'm not actually doing anything productive and what I'm really doing is laying in bed. It's moments like this when I know I have to force myself to move. Even if it hurts. I have to do something. I'm not so far down right now that I can't do something. But I'm on the edge of it.
I don't think doing work on the computer is going to be helpful today. It involves being practically immobile. So I think what I need to do and should do is something physical. I should clean up and maybe even get some sort of exercise. Maybe I can focus on all of my resolutions and check off as many as I can. Knowing that I can do those things gives me hope. Knowing that what I'm feeling right now won't last forever helps me to trust that I'll be just fine. Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side.
Hmm...my legs are feeling a little lighter already. :o) Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side and other times all I have to do is write it out.
♥
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Compassion
Ok...originally when I logged into my little blog here I had it all planned out in my head what I was going to say. I'll be honest. It was going to be a rant about something that really bugs me and how I don't understand how I'm supposed to have compassion and understanding for this person and why they might be doing what it is they're doing that's driving me nuts.
I'm going to rant just a little anyway...just so I can bring you through the same thought process I went through.
Let's just say I don't understand why it's so hard to put the silverware in the designated spot in the silverware drawer divider thingy. I understand all of the spots are the same shape so you have to self designate but still. It's obvious that everything can have it's own spot. I've designated spots and it's clear what should go where when you open the drawer. There's a place for the spoons, the forks, and the knives. For some reason a particular person likes to just throw it all in there willy nilly. I don't mean they just put it in the "wrong" spot. I mean it's all literally thrown in there and every slot has a mixture of items in it. Sometimes it's just a mountain of silverware and next thing you know I'm digging for a spoon under a pile of tangled forks and knives. Since I was the only one home at the time I shouted "why is it so hard?!" and proceeded to organize the silverware drawer. It took no more than a minute to do it I'm sure. In my mind I wondered why it just doesn't happen while the silverware is being put away. I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon? I was irritated. That's when the question of compassion came to mind. That's when I started to wonder...really? I'm supposed to just let this slide because this person may be going through something I don't know about that causes complete disorganization and carelessness?
So that's when I decided to check and see what Brene´ has to say about it, after all it is one of the gifts of imperfection. (I've totally been slacking on my reading though) I knew I had highlighted some stuff in the beginning of the book about compassion. I also decided to look up the definition of the word.
According to Merriam-Webster, compassion means a sympathetic consciousness of other's distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
Hmm...so when you feel compassion that means not only do you know and maybe understand how the other person feels but it also means you want to help them feel better? I think I kind of thought that compassion meant you can understand what the other person is going through so you give them a break in a way. Like maybe you aren't as harsh on them or you just let things slide....
I'm a little bit confused with myself right now. Why wouldn't I know that compassion involves wanting to alleviate another person's distress? At the same time when I notice a close friend is struggling and I do understand or try to understand and know the situation I of course want to help them out, but I didn't know that was compassion. Is it compassion? Also, how come it's easier to feel compassion for some people than it is others. I sort of feel a little ashamed right now for not having more compassion for people in my family. Maybe I'm more judgmental than I thought, especially when it comes to the members of my family. Which is crazy because I always feel like they're judging me. Holy cow. I'm having a major moment right now.
Even though there's a part of me that wants to put blame on certain people for why I am the way I am and there's a part of me that wants to pull out the argument one of my siblings often uses, which is "well, you raised me!" ...I know I can't. I'm old enough now where I have to take responsibility for things.
In the book Brene´ quotes Pema Chodron, "When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us." Chodron also says, "In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience--our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."
I have to read those words slowly and several times in order for it to all really sink in.
"Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." This line really sticks with me for some reason. After reading these quotes that I highlighted I was no longer irritated with the silverware or the person who did it but I was slightly irritated with myself and the fact that Chodron is obviously right.
What is my darkness, exactly, that makes me so irritated about some jumbled up silverware? Why do I find it necessary for it to be organized and easily accessible? If I understand that then maybe I won't be so bothered by whatever darkness it is causing the other person to do things like be unorganized. "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." It's true, right? I mean normally if we find ourselves wanting to blow up at something it really has nothing to do with them or what they did and everything to do with ourselves. Whatever they do has nothing to do with us and everything to do with themselves and whatever we do has nothing to do with them and everything to do with ourselves. Once we can understand ourselves better it's easier to be around other people even when they've got all their issues hanging around. Also...isn't it true that when we're bothered by someone else beyond measure it usually means that whatever they did really just triggered something in us that we don't like about ourselves, but if we aren't aware of that we end up lashing out or something?
So if I know that there is something going on with me that makes it hard to do something simple like put my shoes away or not let dishes accumulate in my room then it's possible there's something going on with someone else that makes them not want to keep a silverware drawer organized. Right? So maybe next time I should just let it go. Or maybe I should try to understand where the other person is coming from and try to help?
I just struggle with these kinds of things...because we're also supposed to have boundaries and accountability, right?
Well what do you think? What does compassion mean to you? How do you practice it when you're in a situation where compassion for a person doesn't come naturally? How do you balance having compassion and boundaries? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
♥
PS-"I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon?"
The silverware drawer is a metaphor for my life. Surely if my life was a little more organized inside and out it would be "easier". I'm constantly digging through all of my mess to find what I need, whether it be a pile of laundry or the mess that lives inside my mind. lol!
I'm going to rant just a little anyway...just so I can bring you through the same thought process I went through.
Let's just say I don't understand why it's so hard to put the silverware in the designated spot in the silverware drawer divider thingy. I understand all of the spots are the same shape so you have to self designate but still. It's obvious that everything can have it's own spot. I've designated spots and it's clear what should go where when you open the drawer. There's a place for the spoons, the forks, and the knives. For some reason a particular person likes to just throw it all in there willy nilly. I don't mean they just put it in the "wrong" spot. I mean it's all literally thrown in there and every slot has a mixture of items in it. Sometimes it's just a mountain of silverware and next thing you know I'm digging for a spoon under a pile of tangled forks and knives. Since I was the only one home at the time I shouted "why is it so hard?!" and proceeded to organize the silverware drawer. It took no more than a minute to do it I'm sure. In my mind I wondered why it just doesn't happen while the silverware is being put away. I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon? I was irritated. That's when the question of compassion came to mind. That's when I started to wonder...really? I'm supposed to just let this slide because this person may be going through something I don't know about that causes complete disorganization and carelessness?
So that's when I decided to check and see what Brene´ has to say about it, after all it is one of the gifts of imperfection. (I've totally been slacking on my reading though) I knew I had highlighted some stuff in the beginning of the book about compassion. I also decided to look up the definition of the word.
According to Merriam-Webster, compassion means a sympathetic consciousness of other's distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
Hmm...so when you feel compassion that means not only do you know and maybe understand how the other person feels but it also means you want to help them feel better? I think I kind of thought that compassion meant you can understand what the other person is going through so you give them a break in a way. Like maybe you aren't as harsh on them or you just let things slide....
I'm a little bit confused with myself right now. Why wouldn't I know that compassion involves wanting to alleviate another person's distress? At the same time when I notice a close friend is struggling and I do understand or try to understand and know the situation I of course want to help them out, but I didn't know that was compassion. Is it compassion? Also, how come it's easier to feel compassion for some people than it is others. I sort of feel a little ashamed right now for not having more compassion for people in my family. Maybe I'm more judgmental than I thought, especially when it comes to the members of my family. Which is crazy because I always feel like they're judging me. Holy cow. I'm having a major moment right now.
Even though there's a part of me that wants to put blame on certain people for why I am the way I am and there's a part of me that wants to pull out the argument one of my siblings often uses, which is "well, you raised me!" ...I know I can't. I'm old enough now where I have to take responsibility for things.
In the book Brene´ quotes Pema Chodron, "When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us." Chodron also says, "In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience--our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."
I have to read those words slowly and several times in order for it to all really sink in.
"Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." This line really sticks with me for some reason. After reading these quotes that I highlighted I was no longer irritated with the silverware or the person who did it but I was slightly irritated with myself and the fact that Chodron is obviously right.
What is my darkness, exactly, that makes me so irritated about some jumbled up silverware? Why do I find it necessary for it to be organized and easily accessible? If I understand that then maybe I won't be so bothered by whatever darkness it is causing the other person to do things like be unorganized. "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." It's true, right? I mean normally if we find ourselves wanting to blow up at something it really has nothing to do with them or what they did and everything to do with ourselves. Whatever they do has nothing to do with us and everything to do with themselves and whatever we do has nothing to do with them and everything to do with ourselves. Once we can understand ourselves better it's easier to be around other people even when they've got all their issues hanging around. Also...isn't it true that when we're bothered by someone else beyond measure it usually means that whatever they did really just triggered something in us that we don't like about ourselves, but if we aren't aware of that we end up lashing out or something?
So if I know that there is something going on with me that makes it hard to do something simple like put my shoes away or not let dishes accumulate in my room then it's possible there's something going on with someone else that makes them not want to keep a silverware drawer organized. Right? So maybe next time I should just let it go. Or maybe I should try to understand where the other person is coming from and try to help?
I just struggle with these kinds of things...because we're also supposed to have boundaries and accountability, right?
Well what do you think? What does compassion mean to you? How do you practice it when you're in a situation where compassion for a person doesn't come naturally? How do you balance having compassion and boundaries? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
♥
PS-"I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon?"
The silverware drawer is a metaphor for my life. Surely if my life was a little more organized inside and out it would be "easier". I'm constantly digging through all of my mess to find what I need, whether it be a pile of laundry or the mess that lives inside my mind. lol!
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