Self Sabotage

It never fails. I do it all the time. I get to a point where I'm feeling ok and then I go and mess it up. I uncontrollably say the wrong thing. I lose my grip on those negative nagging thoughts. Then I just add to it by doing something like.... weighing myself when I already know it won't be good news. I sabotage myself anytime I feel good or at least ok, because it scares me to be happy. It really does. I took a break from all of the reading I was doing so I'm not sure who mentioned this in one of their books but someone said something about being people being afraid to be happy. I thought it was only me... Ever since I was a kid I was being shown that the good things can be ripped away from you in an instant. So now, it terrifies me to be anything but miserable not that being miserable is any fun.

I will say this though. I'm not completely gone yet this morning. I know I could let things snowball out of control but I need to stay strong. When something like "I'm such an idiot" comes to mind I have to say no. I have to choose something nicer to say about myself to myself.

In an effort to take control of this situation here are some things I am happy about:

• I signed up for my first 5k race
• I've kept to my running schedule this week
• I'm shooting a wedding next weekend
• In about a month I get to see some Seattle friends who will be in town
• gardening
• spring
• I'm going on a nature walk/hike next Wednesday
• my coffee mug with the little red dachshund on it
• the miniature red roses in my room
• today's rain
• my new nail polish
• my friends who don't care how crazy I am
• the hugs I get from my nephews as soon as I walk into the room
• the way my niece asks me if we can watch Alice in Wonderland
• the way my niece says "whooo are youuuuu?" in a silly voice...just like the caterpillar
• the trip I took to the zoo last week
• pictures of tiny snails
• the 16x20 prints I ordered that should be here today

♥