Last night it hit me.
I couldn't find anything to watch on tv so I decided to read. I'm almost done with The Gifts of Imperfection but I haven't touched it in about two weeks so I decided I would dive in. I had a hard time reading though. I became extremely anxious and could barely focus on the words on the page. I managed to get through Guideposts 7 & 8 before I had to put the book down. I was trying to understand why I felt so restless. How come I was so into this book before and now I wasn't anymore. I wasn't interested in reading any of the books I had bought recently and lately I wasn't interested in reading any of the blogs I follow that usually bring me some sort of inspiration.
That's when it hit me. That's when I realized I wasn't interested in learning anymore or growing or feeling any pain. Reading that book and those blogs meant I would have to do more growing and I didn't want to. For weeks now I've been feeling disconnected...partly because I let the voice in my head take over with all of it's negative thoughts and words and partly because I just let it happen. It's a defense mechanism to run away into that "comfort" of being a negative nancy and sad and depressed. It means the only person capable of hurting me is myself. I think I got overwhelmed with all of the soul searching and spiritual growth just self awareness that I decided to shut down.
Maybe I realized I was really opening up so I decided to shut it down. The part of me that shut it down is this part of me that is so deeply rooted that it's hiding under all of the negative thoughts. It's what fuels those negative thoughts that appear on the surface. It's buried so deep I didn't even realize it was there. It's the core of it all. All of the pain and fear. Right now in this moment even I can feel it now. It's getting anxious and restless and I can almost physically feel it twisting inside of me very close to my heart. At the very same time and in almost exactly the same spot I can feel love.
Love is calm and the fear is anxious.
The thought of being in love scares the crap out of me. Whether it's in love with another person or just life in general. It scares me. Being in love means I can be broken again at some point. I remember too clearly what it feels like to be heart broken. The thought of it causes me physical pain.
So last night I realized I decided to put things on hold. I decided to take a breather from growing and learning in the hopes that I could get a break. So I wouldn't feel like I was receiving life lesson after life lesson on a minute to minute basis. I was on life lesson and self awareness overload. It can be exhausting. It can be hard work. It can be painful. It can also lead to peace love and happiness....which is freaking scary sometimes.
So I've been feeling disconnected because apparently I disconnected myself. I don't know if I'm ready to reconnect right now but I know I have to soon. I know it doesn't do any good to just be stuck. It doesn't do any good to stop yourself from growing. I believe in growth. I believe that it's necessary and that it's good. Maybe I need a new approach. Maybe I just need to be open to letting it come to me naturally rather than constantly looking for it and basically shouting to the universe "hey! over here, pass it to me! I'm open." Or maybe I do have to shout it out, maybe it's the only way?
It's kind of funny that right now I can't help but smile and laugh a little. Obviously there is a way to grow from every experience. Even the experience of disconnection. Honestly right now I feel like maybe I've grown a little just in the time between now and when I first started typing this post out.
I don't know why I always feel surprised when I experience something like this. It's kind of amazing actually. I'm feeling so much better right now than I did at the beginning of this. One day I'll learn the big lesson. You know....... that I have nothing to worry about.
♥
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