Even though I'm making progress I feel like something isn't working. Something isn't right. It's 8:24 in the morning and I've really only been awake for 30 minutes...I'm also typing this from my bed. If it weren't for my bladder I'd probably still be trying to sleep or just lay in a day dream. I used to wake up early every day (6am or 7am early). I used to look forward to Mondays. I used to go to the park and walk a few miles. I used to cook a good breakfast for myself. I used to sit in the back yard with a cup of coffee. I haven't done those things in months. On top of those things I'm slacking with my resolutions. Especially the ones I set for myself in January. The only one I'm consistent with is making the bed. I have a laundry basket full of clean clothes that need to be folded....it's been like that for 3 days. Without having to think too hard about it I believe I know what's holding me back. However, I don't think I'm ready to deal with it directly. I'd rather just run away from it and pretend it's ok. I mean really run away from it, like take myself physically away from the situation and pretend that these issues I have don't exist. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it I can't run away. I'm stuck here for now. It bothers me.
A part of me wants to be mad with myself because the longer I don't do something about it the longer the situation has control over me and what I do. Or is it wrong to think that one thing can have so much power? Is it wrong for me to think that everything will be fine once I can take care of this one area of my life? It's just that it's a huge area. It's a big big deal. I suppose I can either accept it for what it is and let it go or I can try to work on it. Working on it involves cooperation from the other side...which I'm not sure I'd get.
Today I'm feeling paralyzed. My brain is working and my mood isn't too bad but there's something pulling at me. That sad sort of feeling I get sometimes. That sad sort of feeling that makes it hard to function. That feeling that makes my legs feel like they weigh 300 pounds each and I can't move them. Then I get anxious from sitting or laying for too long. I start to worry what people will think if they know I'm not actually doing anything productive and what I'm really doing is laying in bed. It's moments like this when I know I have to force myself to move. Even if it hurts. I have to do something. I'm not so far down right now that I can't do something. But I'm on the edge of it.
I don't think doing work on the computer is going to be helpful today. It involves being practically immobile. So I think what I need to do and should do is something physical. I should clean up and maybe even get some sort of exercise. Maybe I can focus on all of my resolutions and check off as many as I can. Knowing that I can do those things gives me hope. Knowing that what I'm feeling right now won't last forever helps me to trust that I'll be just fine. Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side.
Hmm...my legs are feeling a little lighter already. :o) Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side and other times all I have to do is write it out.
♥
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