I'm completely off track with my happiness project and with everything else like meditating and doing my laundry. For some reason my indoor plants aren't doing so well. I can't remember the last time I had water rather than coffee to drink. And I keep having flashbacks....the kind where it's not just my mind that goes somewhere in the past but the way the air feels around me changes and I really actually forget for a brief moment when and where I am.
I guess I'm about to just put my heart all out on this blog today. That's a warning. I'm not sure if I've written about this before or not but it doesn't really matter because I'm going to type my heart out regardless.
Every now and then I get so sad I can barely move. It typically happens on exceptionally beautiful days...like today. As much as I don't like to admit it because I think it's silly...I'm sad because I'm single. For those of you who don't really know me I'm not the kind of girl who has to be in a relationship at all times. I don't jump from one to another. I'm the opposite. I'm the girl who has been single for the majority of her life. Only 2 serious relationships. Anything else was just a brief encounter of some sort. I don't even understand how it appears to happen so easily for other people. Or for those people who do jump from one relationship to another how is it that there's always someone there, there's always a door open when another one closes? When it comes to the world of dating and relationships it's like I'm walking down this ridiculously long doorless and windowless hall way that never freaking ends. I try to tell myself that when the time is right it will happen for me and blah blah blah. But really...what if it's not supposed to? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can turn to for support in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because it's that time of the month and I'm a freaking crazy person who won't stop thinking? What if I'm not supposed to have someone I can share my exciting news with or experience fun and happy things with? What if I'm not supposed to have someone in my life who can give me a hug at the end of the day or someone who knows when I need to be babied and when I need a kick in the butt? I mean what if I am supposed to be alone? What if I am supposed to be the only source of support and comfort for myself? What if I'm not supposed to have kids of my own one day? What if I'm not supposed to be in love ever again.
I know if I'm supposed to have all of these things I believe I want then they will happen one day. But the reality of it all is that those things may not be part of what I'm here on this earth for. I don't know what I'm here for and I have no clue what it all entails. I know I'm not supposed to worry but sometimes it's hard. It's hard when I have flashbacks to moments I had with an ex. It's hard when my mind brings me back to a time when I did have someone to hug at the end of the day and I did have someone to just experience life with. It's hard when I have dreams that I'm somewhere else and then I wake up feeling as though I had just been torn away from something or someone important. I wake up feeling like I miss someone terribly and I have no idea who that someone is.
Today my heart aches because I'm lonely and because I feel invisible and ignored. The people who ask how I'm doing don't really want to know and if they knew they wouldn't even know what to say. So it's a beautiful day outside and I'm in here feeling miserable and crying my eyes out. I wish I could change my perspective right now. I wish I could make up my mind to be happy. I wish I could be happy with what I have and where I am right now. But today is just one of those days where it hurts so deeply that I can't get myself out. I know I'll be fine in a few days.
All I can do is wait it out.
♡
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
It's 10am and in about 20 minutes I'll be leaving for my restaurant job. I can't figure out if I'm just a big baby or if the resistance I'm feeling about this whole thing is valid. I can't tell if it's my intuition telling me to stop...that this wasn't the right choice. Or is the resistance I'm feeling a sign that I am doing the right thing right now. Right now I feel like the major upside to this job is the money. I also feel like money should not be the driving force in my decisions. I'm technically working part time...but it's the closest thing to full time kind of part time. I'm only 10 hours short of being full time. My feet are still sore just from all the standing I did last week. (I hope this isn't considered complaining...because I just took a 31 day challenge to stop complaining. I guess the challenge doesn't really start until May 1st though....haha) Anyway my original reason for posting real quick was not to complain. It was to brag about how packed my day has been already and it's only 10.
So here you go
So here you go
- My alarm went off at 7am because I had a plan for this morning. I was going to wake up early so I could fit a workout in before work. The alarm went of at 7 I hit snooze twice and then I threw myself out of bed around 7:15 because I had to do this.
- I ate some cheerios and a banana.
- I got dressed to go for a walk and lathered on the sunscreen.
- I went to the park and walked for 30 minutes...my legs are sore.
- I drove to the bank.
- I came home and took a shower.
- I made myself a cup of coffee.
- I got dressed for work.
- Then I had some time to look through my email and Facebook.
- And now I'm here posting this.
- I need to get going....lucky for me it only takes about 3 minutes to drive to the restaurant.
Happy Monday!
♥
Friday, April 26, 2013
Yay! It's Friday
I carried my water and coffee to my room this morning feeling slightly grumbly and anticipating how the day may play out. I thought to myself TGIF....then I realized it's been a really long time since I've actually been able to celebrate, along with most people in the world, this brief holiday that appears at the end of every week. At 4pm today I'll be done. I'll be done for the 3 minutes it takes for me to get to my house from the new job I have. Then I'll walk in the door and everyone will demand my attention, just like yesterday. One nephew asking me for help with the computer, another asking me questions about my job, my mom telling me one story after another, another nephew wanting me to sit and watch him play a game, my mom asking me to do her a favor..... all before I have a chance to breathe or take my shoes off or change into my pajamas. (I change my clothes as soon as I get home from anywhere. It's a comfort thing) All of this before I have a chance to wash my hands or use the bathroom or even breathe. I finally sit down briefly only to get up again for something else. Then I have to listen to all of the complications that go along with getting two 8 year olds ready for baseball practice. Then we get to have a mini celebration for the 10 year old's birthday. After that I sit for an hour or two. The first time I've been able to sit since 10:30 in the morning. Then I have to get up again so I can attempt to clean an entire 4 bedroom house all on my own. I only make it through the living room and part of the kitchen before I have to call it quits. I over eat my feelings in pizza and drown myself in show after show I have saved to the DVR.
This is my life right now. I'm not married, I don't own a house and I don't have any kids....but somehow I feel like how my day went yesterday is similar to what a lot of parents deal with on a regular basis. I'm not sure how they do it and I don't feel right venting to them about my day. A lot of my friends are parents. I can't vent to them about it because they'll have no clue why I'm being such a baby. Then I remind myself that I have a right to be a little frustrated and tired about it all because my life isn't their life. Like I said...I don't have kids and I'm single and if I lived on my own I wouldn't choose to live in a 4 bedroom house that I couldn't keep up with.
I'm not going to say it's easy to stay happy when you don't have a lot of things going on in your life or responsibilities. I'm not going to say it was easier for me to be happy before I decided to throw another job into the mix. A job where I work 30 hours a week in a restaurant. But the thought did cross my mind for a brief moment....well, no wonder I was able to focus on my happiness project and no wonder I could find a way to calm myself and no wonder it was easier for me to sit down and think about what I was actually feeling rather than just reacting. No wonder I was feeling happier....I had time to do whatever the heck I wanted. I was in charge of my schedule. Unfortunately I wasn't making enough money doing that.
So here I am.
Stuck between trying to understand if I could have made it work without taking on another job, the whole accepting what you have thing and you have everything you need, I always have enough....stuck between all of that and the fact that we have to make money in order to live in the world that we are in.
Or I could view this as an opportunity to continue growing.
The job was presented to me for a reason and that reason isn't all about money I'm sure. I'm sure I can grow from this. Living a happy and wholehearted life isn't easy ever really.....but looking back on it now it did seem "easier" a week ago before I started this other job. And what I'm trying to get at I guess...is when your life is pretty consistent and you get comfortable the important thing is remembering how to stay positive and actively continue to stay on the path that you were on when there are challenges and changes being thrown at you.
It's not easy to stay happy regardless of what kind of life you lead. It is easy, I think, to go from being happy positive and connected to cranky, grumbly, jaded and disconnected. It's easy to start complaining about things. It's easy to tell yourself you don't have time for anything. It's easy to get upset about the changes that have appeared...even if you're the one who consciously invited the changes in.
So I started working on Monday and today is Friday. It hasn't even been a week yet and I'm exhausted. My body aches and when I wake up in the morning I'm slightly grouchy about it all. I sit at my computer dreaming of the days when I woke up and did absolutely nothing in the morning except enjoy the light coming through my window, the flowers in my room, and a hot cup of coffee. This morning I decided to take a picture of the light and the flowers and instagram it....to prove to myself that I can still do the things that make me happy. I'm hoping that I can get into the groove of things and still continue to do everything I was doing before. The only difference is that it will now have a little more structure to it. It's going to take work though. I'll have to fight the urges to sleep a little longer and I'll have to fight the urge to eat a poptart or something and still cook myself breakfast. I'll have to fight the urge to come home and immediately lay in bed. I'll have to fight the urge to skip my workouts. Fight the urge to eat my feelings. I'll have to work even harder at taking the time to meditate and write and work on the projects that bring me joy and I'll have to work harder at appreciating the time I do get to spend with all of my nephews and nieces.
It's going to be hard and it's going to be a lot of work.....but this is nothing new to me. Life is always a lot of work. Once your mind is open and you're more aware of yourself and the things around you there's no way to really turn that off.
I have to get going now... I'm gonna go work my 5.5 hour shift (which is totally short) and I'm going to work it and live in that moment as if it's a moment I specifically chose for myself to live...and the truth is I did choose it. Maybe I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into when I chose it, but I chose it. I'm going to try my hardest to remain positive and happy today....even if my feet are killing me right now, haha.
♥
This is my life right now. I'm not married, I don't own a house and I don't have any kids....but somehow I feel like how my day went yesterday is similar to what a lot of parents deal with on a regular basis. I'm not sure how they do it and I don't feel right venting to them about my day. A lot of my friends are parents. I can't vent to them about it because they'll have no clue why I'm being such a baby. Then I remind myself that I have a right to be a little frustrated and tired about it all because my life isn't their life. Like I said...I don't have kids and I'm single and if I lived on my own I wouldn't choose to live in a 4 bedroom house that I couldn't keep up with.
I'm not going to say it's easy to stay happy when you don't have a lot of things going on in your life or responsibilities. I'm not going to say it was easier for me to be happy before I decided to throw another job into the mix. A job where I work 30 hours a week in a restaurant. But the thought did cross my mind for a brief moment....well, no wonder I was able to focus on my happiness project and no wonder I could find a way to calm myself and no wonder it was easier for me to sit down and think about what I was actually feeling rather than just reacting. No wonder I was feeling happier....I had time to do whatever the heck I wanted. I was in charge of my schedule. Unfortunately I wasn't making enough money doing that.
So here I am.
Stuck between trying to understand if I could have made it work without taking on another job, the whole accepting what you have thing and you have everything you need, I always have enough....stuck between all of that and the fact that we have to make money in order to live in the world that we are in.
Or I could view this as an opportunity to continue growing.
The job was presented to me for a reason and that reason isn't all about money I'm sure. I'm sure I can grow from this. Living a happy and wholehearted life isn't easy ever really.....but looking back on it now it did seem "easier" a week ago before I started this other job. And what I'm trying to get at I guess...is when your life is pretty consistent and you get comfortable the important thing is remembering how to stay positive and actively continue to stay on the path that you were on when there are challenges and changes being thrown at you.
It's not easy to stay happy regardless of what kind of life you lead. It is easy, I think, to go from being happy positive and connected to cranky, grumbly, jaded and disconnected. It's easy to start complaining about things. It's easy to tell yourself you don't have time for anything. It's easy to get upset about the changes that have appeared...even if you're the one who consciously invited the changes in.
So I started working on Monday and today is Friday. It hasn't even been a week yet and I'm exhausted. My body aches and when I wake up in the morning I'm slightly grouchy about it all. I sit at my computer dreaming of the days when I woke up and did absolutely nothing in the morning except enjoy the light coming through my window, the flowers in my room, and a hot cup of coffee. This morning I decided to take a picture of the light and the flowers and instagram it....to prove to myself that I can still do the things that make me happy. I'm hoping that I can get into the groove of things and still continue to do everything I was doing before. The only difference is that it will now have a little more structure to it. It's going to take work though. I'll have to fight the urges to sleep a little longer and I'll have to fight the urge to eat a poptart or something and still cook myself breakfast. I'll have to fight the urge to come home and immediately lay in bed. I'll have to fight the urge to skip my workouts. Fight the urge to eat my feelings. I'll have to work even harder at taking the time to meditate and write and work on the projects that bring me joy and I'll have to work harder at appreciating the time I do get to spend with all of my nephews and nieces.
It's going to be hard and it's going to be a lot of work.....but this is nothing new to me. Life is always a lot of work. Once your mind is open and you're more aware of yourself and the things around you there's no way to really turn that off.
I have to get going now... I'm gonna go work my 5.5 hour shift (which is totally short) and I'm going to work it and live in that moment as if it's a moment I specifically chose for myself to live...and the truth is I did choose it. Maybe I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into when I chose it, but I chose it. I'm going to try my hardest to remain positive and happy today....even if my feet are killing me right now, haha.
♥
Friday, April 12, 2013
There's a Part of Me That Feels Afraid to Actually Post This
Last night it hit me.
I couldn't find anything to watch on tv so I decided to read. I'm almost done with The Gifts of Imperfection but I haven't touched it in about two weeks so I decided I would dive in. I had a hard time reading though. I became extremely anxious and could barely focus on the words on the page. I managed to get through Guideposts 7 & 8 before I had to put the book down. I was trying to understand why I felt so restless. How come I was so into this book before and now I wasn't anymore. I wasn't interested in reading any of the books I had bought recently and lately I wasn't interested in reading any of the blogs I follow that usually bring me some sort of inspiration.
That's when it hit me. That's when I realized I wasn't interested in learning anymore or growing or feeling any pain. Reading that book and those blogs meant I would have to do more growing and I didn't want to. For weeks now I've been feeling disconnected...partly because I let the voice in my head take over with all of it's negative thoughts and words and partly because I just let it happen. It's a defense mechanism to run away into that "comfort" of being a negative nancy and sad and depressed. It means the only person capable of hurting me is myself. I think I got overwhelmed with all of the soul searching and spiritual growth just self awareness that I decided to shut down.
Maybe I realized I was really opening up so I decided to shut it down. The part of me that shut it down is this part of me that is so deeply rooted that it's hiding under all of the negative thoughts. It's what fuels those negative thoughts that appear on the surface. It's buried so deep I didn't even realize it was there. It's the core of it all. All of the pain and fear. Right now in this moment even I can feel it now. It's getting anxious and restless and I can almost physically feel it twisting inside of me very close to my heart. At the very same time and in almost exactly the same spot I can feel love.
Love is calm and the fear is anxious.
The thought of being in love scares the crap out of me. Whether it's in love with another person or just life in general. It scares me. Being in love means I can be broken again at some point. I remember too clearly what it feels like to be heart broken. The thought of it causes me physical pain.
So last night I realized I decided to put things on hold. I decided to take a breather from growing and learning in the hopes that I could get a break. So I wouldn't feel like I was receiving life lesson after life lesson on a minute to minute basis. I was on life lesson and self awareness overload. It can be exhausting. It can be hard work. It can be painful. It can also lead to peace love and happiness....which is freaking scary sometimes.
So I've been feeling disconnected because apparently I disconnected myself. I don't know if I'm ready to reconnect right now but I know I have to soon. I know it doesn't do any good to just be stuck. It doesn't do any good to stop yourself from growing. I believe in growth. I believe that it's necessary and that it's good. Maybe I need a new approach. Maybe I just need to be open to letting it come to me naturally rather than constantly looking for it and basically shouting to the universe "hey! over here, pass it to me! I'm open." Or maybe I do have to shout it out, maybe it's the only way?
It's kind of funny that right now I can't help but smile and laugh a little. Obviously there is a way to grow from every experience. Even the experience of disconnection. Honestly right now I feel like maybe I've grown a little just in the time between now and when I first started typing this post out.
I don't know why I always feel surprised when I experience something like this. It's kind of amazing actually. I'm feeling so much better right now than I did at the beginning of this. One day I'll learn the big lesson. You know....... that I have nothing to worry about.
♥
I couldn't find anything to watch on tv so I decided to read. I'm almost done with The Gifts of Imperfection but I haven't touched it in about two weeks so I decided I would dive in. I had a hard time reading though. I became extremely anxious and could barely focus on the words on the page. I managed to get through Guideposts 7 & 8 before I had to put the book down. I was trying to understand why I felt so restless. How come I was so into this book before and now I wasn't anymore. I wasn't interested in reading any of the books I had bought recently and lately I wasn't interested in reading any of the blogs I follow that usually bring me some sort of inspiration.
That's when it hit me. That's when I realized I wasn't interested in learning anymore or growing or feeling any pain. Reading that book and those blogs meant I would have to do more growing and I didn't want to. For weeks now I've been feeling disconnected...partly because I let the voice in my head take over with all of it's negative thoughts and words and partly because I just let it happen. It's a defense mechanism to run away into that "comfort" of being a negative nancy and sad and depressed. It means the only person capable of hurting me is myself. I think I got overwhelmed with all of the soul searching and spiritual growth just self awareness that I decided to shut down.
Maybe I realized I was really opening up so I decided to shut it down. The part of me that shut it down is this part of me that is so deeply rooted that it's hiding under all of the negative thoughts. It's what fuels those negative thoughts that appear on the surface. It's buried so deep I didn't even realize it was there. It's the core of it all. All of the pain and fear. Right now in this moment even I can feel it now. It's getting anxious and restless and I can almost physically feel it twisting inside of me very close to my heart. At the very same time and in almost exactly the same spot I can feel love.
Love is calm and the fear is anxious.
The thought of being in love scares the crap out of me. Whether it's in love with another person or just life in general. It scares me. Being in love means I can be broken again at some point. I remember too clearly what it feels like to be heart broken. The thought of it causes me physical pain.
So last night I realized I decided to put things on hold. I decided to take a breather from growing and learning in the hopes that I could get a break. So I wouldn't feel like I was receiving life lesson after life lesson on a minute to minute basis. I was on life lesson and self awareness overload. It can be exhausting. It can be hard work. It can be painful. It can also lead to peace love and happiness....which is freaking scary sometimes.
So I've been feeling disconnected because apparently I disconnected myself. I don't know if I'm ready to reconnect right now but I know I have to soon. I know it doesn't do any good to just be stuck. It doesn't do any good to stop yourself from growing. I believe in growth. I believe that it's necessary and that it's good. Maybe I need a new approach. Maybe I just need to be open to letting it come to me naturally rather than constantly looking for it and basically shouting to the universe "hey! over here, pass it to me! I'm open." Or maybe I do have to shout it out, maybe it's the only way?
It's kind of funny that right now I can't help but smile and laugh a little. Obviously there is a way to grow from every experience. Even the experience of disconnection. Honestly right now I feel like maybe I've grown a little just in the time between now and when I first started typing this post out.
I don't know why I always feel surprised when I experience something like this. It's kind of amazing actually. I'm feeling so much better right now than I did at the beginning of this. One day I'll learn the big lesson. You know....... that I have nothing to worry about.
♥
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Update! and some other randomness....
Woop! woop! I didn't have a run scheduled for today but I did have a walk scheduled. It was supposed to rain this morning so I decided against going to the park. It only just started raining here about 15 minutes ago so I could have totally gone to the park. Oh well.... I spent an hour on the treadmill instead. Walking uphill and then down and during my walk of course I started feeling tons better than I had earlier. Sometimes my problem is that I just want to have control at all times rather than trust things will play out the way they're supposed to. Exercising helps me feel better...so why don't I do it more often and how come I always eventually become a total slacker and quit it completely?! I know I'm not the only one who does this.
I did mention in my previous post that I wasn't completely lost yet but I was on the verge of it. That's why I listed those things that make me happy. I spent some time on the treadmill then I went to Lowe's because I'm obsessed with gardening right now. It happens every spring. I had a brief moment where I was worried about the money I was spending on my spring time hobby but I let it go. I'm obsessed with miniature roses right now. I have 3 little bushes for my room and I just bought 3 more for the front porch so everyone can enjoy them.
As cliche as it sounds.... roses have always been my favorite flower. I don't prefer the red ones though. I like the purplish blue ones or pink or any of the ones that are multiple colors in one. I also love butterflies. Get over it.
I think lady bugs mean good luck and there have been two very close to me in the last week.
♥
I did mention in my previous post that I wasn't completely lost yet but I was on the verge of it. That's why I listed those things that make me happy. I spent some time on the treadmill then I went to Lowe's because I'm obsessed with gardening right now. It happens every spring. I had a brief moment where I was worried about the money I was spending on my spring time hobby but I let it go. I'm obsessed with miniature roses right now. I have 3 little bushes for my room and I just bought 3 more for the front porch so everyone can enjoy them.
As cliche as it sounds.... roses have always been my favorite flower. I don't prefer the red ones though. I like the purplish blue ones or pink or any of the ones that are multiple colors in one. I also love butterflies. Get over it.
I think lady bugs mean good luck and there have been two very close to me in the last week.
♥
Self Sabotage
It never fails. I do it all the time. I get to a point where I'm feeling ok and then I go and mess it up. I uncontrollably say the wrong thing. I lose my grip on those negative nagging thoughts. Then I just add to it by doing something like.... weighing myself when I already know it won't be good news. I sabotage myself anytime I feel good or at least ok, because it scares me to be happy. It really does. I took a break from all of the reading I was doing so I'm not sure who mentioned this in one of their books but someone said something about being people being afraid to be happy. I thought it was only me... Ever since I was a kid I was being shown that the good things can be ripped away from you in an instant. So now, it terrifies me to be anything but miserable not that being miserable is any fun.
I will say this though. I'm not completely gone yet this morning. I know I could let things snowball out of control but I need to stay strong. When something like "I'm such an idiot" comes to mind I have to say no. I have to choose something nicer to say about myself to myself.
In an effort to take control of this situation here are some things I am happy about:
I will say this though. I'm not completely gone yet this morning. I know I could let things snowball out of control but I need to stay strong. When something like "I'm such an idiot" comes to mind I have to say no. I have to choose something nicer to say about myself to myself.
In an effort to take control of this situation here are some things I am happy about:
- I signed up for my first 5k race
- I've kept to my running schedule this week
- I'm shooting a wedding next weekend
- In about a month I get to see some Seattle friends who will be in town
- gardening
- spring
- I'm going on a nature walk/hike next Wednesday
- my coffee mug with the little red dachshund on it
- the miniature red roses in my room
- today's rain
- my new nail polish
- my friends who don't care how crazy I am
- the hugs I get from my nephews as soon as I walk into the room
- the way my niece asks me if we can watch Alice in Wonderland
- the way my niece says "whooo are youuuuu?" in a silly voice...just like the caterpillar
- the trip I took to the zoo last week
- pictures of tiny snails
- the 16x20 prints I ordered that should be here today
♥
Thursday, April 4, 2013
It's a blah blah blah kind of day
Guess what?! ....It's getting to be that time of the month... so of course I'm super crazy, sensitive, sad, not sad, then sad again, have zero appetite for anything that isn't chocolate, pure sugar, cheese, pasta or coffee. However, I did just force feed myself some almonds. I can't help but think about how amazing those almonds would have been if they were buried deep inside a bar of dark chocolate. Mmmmm. Let's just all think about that for a minute.
Ok, well I'm definitely experiencing mood swings this morning. It's only 10am and I've literally gone from barely being able to move from the bed because I believe I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, to crying my eyes out at the mere sight of an envelope from good old Sallie Mae, to cuddling with a cup of coffee in front of my computer screen trying to find something inspirational to watch, to feeling slightly ok, to feeling slightly inspired by the very person who has triggered my fear of being alone forever, to feeling sort of like I want to be a smart ass all day, to wanting to cry again.
I have to accept that it's just one of those kinds of days. Where I feel a divide somewhere in myself. Like I know I'm ok but I can't shake that heaviness that's sitting there on my heart and I can't shake the feeling that I'm just so freaking tired. I'm starting to believe the only solution really will be to see a doctor about all of this. I'm tired of wasting so much time feeling like I need to take the time to comfort myself. The majority of every month should not be devoted to my desire to lay in bed all day with the covers over my head. I know in a few days I'll be back to "normal" and somehow I'll forget about this moment. It always happens.
In a little over a month I'll be 31. Yikes. I want to do things. I want to experience more of life. I want to travel...maybe not very far. Right now I just want to travel within the states and see certain places and be amazed. I want to see people. I want to ride in a hot air balloon. I want to be able to run at least one 5k. I want to go canoeing and hiking. I want to do something I've never done before. I want to live my life. I want to be happy with myself whether I'm "alone" or not. I want loving people to be more important to me than being loved by people.
But at the very same time I can't help but feel like it would be nice to have a significant other. I know I can make it through this life on my own and with a handful of really great friends. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband. I don't. But is there something wrong with maybe wanting one of those things? Is there something wrong with wanting to be in love and wanting to experience life and grow along with someone? I honestly don't know very many people who have been as single as I have been. I mean really most of the people I know have had relationship after relationship. Me? I've had 2 "serious" relationships with just a handful of "dating around" experiences. I know a handful of other people like me and I can't help but wonder what we all have in common. Are some people just meant to experience life "alone" you know without a significant other, but still full with other people who do in fact care?
Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I need hugs.
♥
Ok, well I'm definitely experiencing mood swings this morning. It's only 10am and I've literally gone from barely being able to move from the bed because I believe I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, to crying my eyes out at the mere sight of an envelope from good old Sallie Mae, to cuddling with a cup of coffee in front of my computer screen trying to find something inspirational to watch, to feeling slightly ok, to feeling slightly inspired by the very person who has triggered my fear of being alone forever, to feeling sort of like I want to be a smart ass all day, to wanting to cry again.
I have to accept that it's just one of those kinds of days. Where I feel a divide somewhere in myself. Like I know I'm ok but I can't shake that heaviness that's sitting there on my heart and I can't shake the feeling that I'm just so freaking tired. I'm starting to believe the only solution really will be to see a doctor about all of this. I'm tired of wasting so much time feeling like I need to take the time to comfort myself. The majority of every month should not be devoted to my desire to lay in bed all day with the covers over my head. I know in a few days I'll be back to "normal" and somehow I'll forget about this moment. It always happens.
In a little over a month I'll be 31. Yikes. I want to do things. I want to experience more of life. I want to travel...maybe not very far. Right now I just want to travel within the states and see certain places and be amazed. I want to see people. I want to ride in a hot air balloon. I want to be able to run at least one 5k. I want to go canoeing and hiking. I want to do something I've never done before. I want to live my life. I want to be happy with myself whether I'm "alone" or not. I want loving people to be more important to me than being loved by people.
But at the very same time I can't help but feel like it would be nice to have a significant other. I know I can make it through this life on my own and with a handful of really great friends. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband. I don't. But is there something wrong with maybe wanting one of those things? Is there something wrong with wanting to be in love and wanting to experience life and grow along with someone? I honestly don't know very many people who have been as single as I have been. I mean really most of the people I know have had relationship after relationship. Me? I've had 2 "serious" relationships with just a handful of "dating around" experiences. I know a handful of other people like me and I can't help but wonder what we all have in common. Are some people just meant to experience life "alone" you know without a significant other, but still full with other people who do in fact care?
Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I need hugs.
♥
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