Woop! woop! I didn't have a run scheduled for today but I did have a walk scheduled. It was supposed to rain this morning so I decided against going to the park. It only just started raining here about 15 minutes ago so I could have totally gone to the park. Oh well.... I spent an hour on the treadmill instead. Walking uphill and then down and during my walk of course I started feeling tons better than I had earlier. Sometimes my problem is that I just want to have control at all times rather than trust things will play out the way they're supposed to. Exercising helps me feel better...so why don't I do it more often and how come I always eventually become a total slacker and quit it completely?! I know I'm not the only one who does this.
I did mention in my previous post that I wasn't completely lost yet but I was on the verge of it. That's why I listed those things that make me happy. I spent some time on the treadmill then I went to Lowe's because I'm obsessed with gardening right now. It happens every spring. I had a brief moment where I was worried about the money I was spending on my spring time hobby but I let it go. I'm obsessed with miniature roses right now. I have 3 little bushes for my room and I just bought 3 more for the front porch so everyone can enjoy them.
As cliche as it sounds.... roses have always been my favorite flower. I don't prefer the red ones though. I like the purplish blue ones or pink or any of the ones that are multiple colors in one. I also love butterflies. Get over it.
I think lady bugs mean good luck and there have been two very close to me in the last week.
♥
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Self Sabotage
It never fails. I do it all the time. I get to a point where I'm feeling ok and then I go and mess it up. I uncontrollably say the wrong thing. I lose my grip on those negative nagging thoughts. Then I just add to it by doing something like.... weighing myself when I already know it won't be good news. I sabotage myself anytime I feel good or at least ok, because it scares me to be happy. It really does. I took a break from all of the reading I was doing so I'm not sure who mentioned this in one of their books but someone said something about being people being afraid to be happy. I thought it was only me... Ever since I was a kid I was being shown that the good things can be ripped away from you in an instant. So now, it terrifies me to be anything but miserable not that being miserable is any fun.
I will say this though. I'm not completely gone yet this morning. I know I could let things snowball out of control but I need to stay strong. When something like "I'm such an idiot" comes to mind I have to say no. I have to choose something nicer to say about myself to myself.
In an effort to take control of this situation here are some things I am happy about:
I will say this though. I'm not completely gone yet this morning. I know I could let things snowball out of control but I need to stay strong. When something like "I'm such an idiot" comes to mind I have to say no. I have to choose something nicer to say about myself to myself.
In an effort to take control of this situation here are some things I am happy about:
- I signed up for my first 5k race
- I've kept to my running schedule this week
- I'm shooting a wedding next weekend
- In about a month I get to see some Seattle friends who will be in town
- gardening
- spring
- I'm going on a nature walk/hike next Wednesday
- my coffee mug with the little red dachshund on it
- the miniature red roses in my room
- today's rain
- my new nail polish
- my friends who don't care how crazy I am
- the hugs I get from my nephews as soon as I walk into the room
- the way my niece asks me if we can watch Alice in Wonderland
- the way my niece says "whooo are youuuuu?" in a silly voice...just like the caterpillar
- the trip I took to the zoo last week
- pictures of tiny snails
- the 16x20 prints I ordered that should be here today
♥
Thursday, April 4, 2013
It's a blah blah blah kind of day
Guess what?! ....It's getting to be that time of the month... so of course I'm super crazy, sensitive, sad, not sad, then sad again, have zero appetite for anything that isn't chocolate, pure sugar, cheese, pasta or coffee. However, I did just force feed myself some almonds. I can't help but think about how amazing those almonds would have been if they were buried deep inside a bar of dark chocolate. Mmmmm. Let's just all think about that for a minute.
Ok, well I'm definitely experiencing mood swings this morning. It's only 10am and I've literally gone from barely being able to move from the bed because I believe I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, to crying my eyes out at the mere sight of an envelope from good old Sallie Mae, to cuddling with a cup of coffee in front of my computer screen trying to find something inspirational to watch, to feeling slightly ok, to feeling slightly inspired by the very person who has triggered my fear of being alone forever, to feeling sort of like I want to be a smart ass all day, to wanting to cry again.
I have to accept that it's just one of those kinds of days. Where I feel a divide somewhere in myself. Like I know I'm ok but I can't shake that heaviness that's sitting there on my heart and I can't shake the feeling that I'm just so freaking tired. I'm starting to believe the only solution really will be to see a doctor about all of this. I'm tired of wasting so much time feeling like I need to take the time to comfort myself. The majority of every month should not be devoted to my desire to lay in bed all day with the covers over my head. I know in a few days I'll be back to "normal" and somehow I'll forget about this moment. It always happens.
In a little over a month I'll be 31. Yikes. I want to do things. I want to experience more of life. I want to travel...maybe not very far. Right now I just want to travel within the states and see certain places and be amazed. I want to see people. I want to ride in a hot air balloon. I want to be able to run at least one 5k. I want to go canoeing and hiking. I want to do something I've never done before. I want to live my life. I want to be happy with myself whether I'm "alone" or not. I want loving people to be more important to me than being loved by people.
But at the very same time I can't help but feel like it would be nice to have a significant other. I know I can make it through this life on my own and with a handful of really great friends. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband. I don't. But is there something wrong with maybe wanting one of those things? Is there something wrong with wanting to be in love and wanting to experience life and grow along with someone? I honestly don't know very many people who have been as single as I have been. I mean really most of the people I know have had relationship after relationship. Me? I've had 2 "serious" relationships with just a handful of "dating around" experiences. I know a handful of other people like me and I can't help but wonder what we all have in common. Are some people just meant to experience life "alone" you know without a significant other, but still full with other people who do in fact care?
Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I need hugs.
♥
Ok, well I'm definitely experiencing mood swings this morning. It's only 10am and I've literally gone from barely being able to move from the bed because I believe I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, to crying my eyes out at the mere sight of an envelope from good old Sallie Mae, to cuddling with a cup of coffee in front of my computer screen trying to find something inspirational to watch, to feeling slightly ok, to feeling slightly inspired by the very person who has triggered my fear of being alone forever, to feeling sort of like I want to be a smart ass all day, to wanting to cry again.
I have to accept that it's just one of those kinds of days. Where I feel a divide somewhere in myself. Like I know I'm ok but I can't shake that heaviness that's sitting there on my heart and I can't shake the feeling that I'm just so freaking tired. I'm starting to believe the only solution really will be to see a doctor about all of this. I'm tired of wasting so much time feeling like I need to take the time to comfort myself. The majority of every month should not be devoted to my desire to lay in bed all day with the covers over my head. I know in a few days I'll be back to "normal" and somehow I'll forget about this moment. It always happens.
In a little over a month I'll be 31. Yikes. I want to do things. I want to experience more of life. I want to travel...maybe not very far. Right now I just want to travel within the states and see certain places and be amazed. I want to see people. I want to ride in a hot air balloon. I want to be able to run at least one 5k. I want to go canoeing and hiking. I want to do something I've never done before. I want to live my life. I want to be happy with myself whether I'm "alone" or not. I want loving people to be more important to me than being loved by people.
But at the very same time I can't help but feel like it would be nice to have a significant other. I know I can make it through this life on my own and with a handful of really great friends. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband. I don't. But is there something wrong with maybe wanting one of those things? Is there something wrong with wanting to be in love and wanting to experience life and grow along with someone? I honestly don't know very many people who have been as single as I have been. I mean really most of the people I know have had relationship after relationship. Me? I've had 2 "serious" relationships with just a handful of "dating around" experiences. I know a handful of other people like me and I can't help but wonder what we all have in common. Are some people just meant to experience life "alone" you know without a significant other, but still full with other people who do in fact care?
Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I need hugs.
♥
Sunday, March 31, 2013
I am here
I haven't been myself lately. For weeks now I've been feeling sort of disconnected, that was the only way I could explain how I felt when people that I'm close to asked how I was. I would say "I'm ok I guess, I just feel a little disconnected" They would then ask what I feel disconnected from and I had no real clue. I just knew something wasn't "right". Then last week I remember telling my friend that I was feeling weird...like I was here physically but really I was somewhere else. In the last month or so somehow I fell out of the habit of meditating and journaling. I stopped taking the time to be still. I don't know why I stopped but I did. I had a feeling all of that had something to do with my disconnection but I still couldn't convince myself to do any of those things...even if I did know that chances are I'd feel way better afterwards.
In the last week or two I've had several moments of what I like to call "crazy". A moment of crazy is something like being irrational, spinning stories in my head, over analyzing beyond the normal over analyzation, paranoia, anxiety and actually doing ridiculous things because of the paranoia. Last night I freaked out. I won't go into the details here...but let's just say it involved reading a facebook status and then being overcome with worry, doubt, and complete crazy girl insecurity and paranoia. And then I may or may not have sent a text to someone when really I should have just left it alone... I fell back to sleep after all of this and when I woke up this morning I knew I had to do something. I knew that some of my recent behavior and actions were all actions I took out of fear and worry, which is the worst time to take action. Those actions are never who I really am.
So this morning I sat up in my bed, closed my eyes, and tried to perform some sort of meditation. It wasn't working. The thought kept coming to my mind that I just need a vacation from myself. I kept thinking it in between sending a message to the universe that I just need help. Then all of a sudden I remembered someone saying something about how they said something like "I can't stand myself anymore" and then asked what does that even mean. I realized it was Eckhart Tolle who said it on an episode of Super Soul Sunday. I have the episode saved on my DVR so I decided to watch it. He talks about being in the moment and self awareness and the difference between our minds and our spirits. His big "aha" moment, as Oprah likes to describe things, was one night during a time in his life when he was close to suicide and possibly on the verge of a nervous break down. He said to himself "I can't stand myself anymore" then somehow the question came to him of what does that mean and who is the 'I' and who is the 'self'? Is there a difference? Who can't 'I' stand exactly? That's when the separation and the awareness began for him. The 'I' is the spirit and consciousness, which is who we really are. And the 'self' is the ego, the mind, our thoughts. Awareness is spirit speaking to spirit. Some people are so consumed by their thoughts that they don't even know there is a separation and sometimes they can't even be open to the idea of it. So after watching this interview which I've already seen a few times in my life I realized that my mind had taken over. Those thoughts that make me "crazy" aren't even real. It's just my mind and my ego trying to cause problems because apparently that's what they're meant to do. It's still hard to wrap my "mind" around it sometimes but at the same time it makes sense to me. And whenever I remember this I feel so much better. And when I forget it all is when I feel disconnected.
Eckhart Tolle says that we just need to be still and in the moment because that's really all we have. The past is the past and the future is the future and we have neither of those things. After watching the episode I decided to sit in my backyard for awhile. Get some fresh air and enjoy the sounds of the birds and the wind chimes. I closed my eyes and said over and over again "I am here". And today those words have a completely different meaning. They mean more than I am here in the moment they mean 'I' big capital giant sized letter 'I' is here. My true self is here right now and I am back. My mind is still here it's just not as strong this morning as it has been in recent weeks. I'm feeling better than I was but I also have the sense that I'm on the edge and I can easily slip in either direction. But I do believe that today I'll be more likely to slip into the right direction and if I do feel my 'self' coming on too strong I think I'm aware enough right now to say I am here and I'll be ok.
A friend told me a couple of days ago to get out of my head. Those words make so much more sense when I acknowledge that there is a difference between who I really am and what my mind is telling me.
I am here.
I am not my thoughts.
♥
In the last week or two I've had several moments of what I like to call "crazy". A moment of crazy is something like being irrational, spinning stories in my head, over analyzing beyond the normal over analyzation, paranoia, anxiety and actually doing ridiculous things because of the paranoia. Last night I freaked out. I won't go into the details here...but let's just say it involved reading a facebook status and then being overcome with worry, doubt, and complete crazy girl insecurity and paranoia. And then I may or may not have sent a text to someone when really I should have just left it alone... I fell back to sleep after all of this and when I woke up this morning I knew I had to do something. I knew that some of my recent behavior and actions were all actions I took out of fear and worry, which is the worst time to take action. Those actions are never who I really am.
So this morning I sat up in my bed, closed my eyes, and tried to perform some sort of meditation. It wasn't working. The thought kept coming to my mind that I just need a vacation from myself. I kept thinking it in between sending a message to the universe that I just need help. Then all of a sudden I remembered someone saying something about how they said something like "I can't stand myself anymore" and then asked what does that even mean. I realized it was Eckhart Tolle who said it on an episode of Super Soul Sunday. I have the episode saved on my DVR so I decided to watch it. He talks about being in the moment and self awareness and the difference between our minds and our spirits. His big "aha" moment, as Oprah likes to describe things, was one night during a time in his life when he was close to suicide and possibly on the verge of a nervous break down. He said to himself "I can't stand myself anymore" then somehow the question came to him of what does that mean and who is the 'I' and who is the 'self'? Is there a difference? Who can't 'I' stand exactly? That's when the separation and the awareness began for him. The 'I' is the spirit and consciousness, which is who we really are. And the 'self' is the ego, the mind, our thoughts. Awareness is spirit speaking to spirit. Some people are so consumed by their thoughts that they don't even know there is a separation and sometimes they can't even be open to the idea of it. So after watching this interview which I've already seen a few times in my life I realized that my mind had taken over. Those thoughts that make me "crazy" aren't even real. It's just my mind and my ego trying to cause problems because apparently that's what they're meant to do. It's still hard to wrap my "mind" around it sometimes but at the same time it makes sense to me. And whenever I remember this I feel so much better. And when I forget it all is when I feel disconnected.
Eckhart Tolle says that we just need to be still and in the moment because that's really all we have. The past is the past and the future is the future and we have neither of those things. After watching the episode I decided to sit in my backyard for awhile. Get some fresh air and enjoy the sounds of the birds and the wind chimes. I closed my eyes and said over and over again "I am here". And today those words have a completely different meaning. They mean more than I am here in the moment they mean 'I' big capital giant sized letter 'I' is here. My true self is here right now and I am back. My mind is still here it's just not as strong this morning as it has been in recent weeks. I'm feeling better than I was but I also have the sense that I'm on the edge and I can easily slip in either direction. But I do believe that today I'll be more likely to slip into the right direction and if I do feel my 'self' coming on too strong I think I'm aware enough right now to say I am here and I'll be ok.
A friend told me a couple of days ago to get out of my head. Those words make so much more sense when I acknowledge that there is a difference between who I really am and what my mind is telling me.
I am here.
I am not my thoughts.
♥
Monday, March 18, 2013
My Mondays
It's been too long since I've written anything here. My mind has been all over the place lately.
So it's Monday. I'm noticing a pattern here. On Monday I tend to feel the need for some self nurturing or relaxation. I want to spend the day enjoying whatever the weather is, reading a book, contemplating quotes, drinking coffee, listening to music and all while wearing something that makes me feel good. Lately I've beaten myself up for feeling this way on a Monday morning, because aren't Mondays supposed to be the day you get back to work? The day you get back into the routine you fell out of over the weekend? Even just last year I was totally loving Mondays because they did mean it was time to get back into a routine and feel productive. I guess I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Well I know I'm not the same person I was a year ago. So why should I try to be that person or any version of myself I was in the past? I guess this is why being in the moment and being self aware is important. What worked for me a few months ago may not work for me now and that's ok.
I realize that my perfect Monday may just sound like I'm trying to give myself a 3 day weekend...that's part of the reason why I've been beating myself up about it. Why do I deserve a 3 day weekend? The truth is, it's not really a 3 day weekend. At least not for me. A lot of the time now my Saturdays are work days...if I don't have a photo shoot scheduled I'm meeting up with my friend/new business partner to go over things for at least half the day. Sunday mornings I may be laying in bed watching Super Soul Sunday but that's also the day where I do laundry and clean up a little bit. And sometimes I throw in a little bit of socializing and for me socializing is stressful, so it's not always relaxing the way it should be. So my weekends aren't what I think a typical weekend is for most people. My weekend isn't a complete break from working. I've realized that maybe on Monday I just need time to recover from excess time around family or from working or from socializing and doing chores. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter how anyone else does it. What matters is what works for me and if I'm being productive during my actual "work time".
So this morning I spent just a short time feeling crappy about how I was laying in bed going through a book about the paleo "diet"/way of living. I only felt bad about not getting up before 8am for a little while. Then for some reason I realized that this is ok. It's ok for my Mondays to be like this. If I want to wake up and drink coffee in bed while reading whatever I choose to read it's ok. If I want to sit on my computer watching reruns of Super Soul Sunday or blogging or posting things to the happiness group and contemplating my own happiness project...it's all ok. Just accept it and move on and when my Monday routine feels the need to change again, it will. Something is always changing and I feel discomfort when the change comes and instead of getting all bent out of shape about it and feeling like a terrible human being I just have to accept it, roll with it and readjust. It's that simple (but so very hard sometimes).
I drove 4 hours on Thursday to spend some extra time with my brother and his family since my nephew's birthday party would be happening on Saturday. On Friday my parents got there. That's 5 adults and 3 kids running around and zero places for me to go when I need space. Plus I'm there to spend time with them not to be alone so even in those moments I so desperately want to be alone I don't allow it. Unless I'm taking a shower or using the bathroom. Saturday was the party. My sister and her daughter were there as well as my other brother and his 3 kids. My sister in law has a large family and when you add them to my family I think there's at least a total of 25...I'm sure there's more than that and I'm just losing track. Plus some of my nephew's friends from school were there along with their parents. It's a lot of people for someone like me to be around. It's nothing new though...I've been to enough of these birthday parties to know how many people will be there and I've met them all before and had conversations with them all. But sometimes I get super anxious about it. This time around a good bit of my sister in law's family arrived before the rest of my family did and my social anxiety had kicked in big time. I wanted to disappear and zone out. I preferred to sit outside and watch the kids play. I was playing around on my phone. I eventually calmed down and the anxiety wore off but I couldn't wait for the end of the day when everyone left and I could put my pajamas on...even if it was only 5pm. Social situations stress me out sometimes. Then on Sunday it was time to make the 4 hour drive back home, which can sometimes be mind numbing and ridiculously uncomfortable. By the time I got home I was just so completely worn out. (And so completely happy that I cleaned my room, made the bed and put all of my laundry away before I even left on Thursday)
So with all of that going on for 4 days, why shouldn't I do whatever I need to do today to get myself back on track. To find some sort of balance. The sooner I accept that my work week isn't like everyone else's and doesn't have to be, the sooner I'll be happier and probably more productive. I'll spend less time worrying what other people think about how I'm spending my Monday and more time being me.
Happy Monday!
♥
So it's Monday. I'm noticing a pattern here. On Monday I tend to feel the need for some self nurturing or relaxation. I want to spend the day enjoying whatever the weather is, reading a book, contemplating quotes, drinking coffee, listening to music and all while wearing something that makes me feel good. Lately I've beaten myself up for feeling this way on a Monday morning, because aren't Mondays supposed to be the day you get back to work? The day you get back into the routine you fell out of over the weekend? Even just last year I was totally loving Mondays because they did mean it was time to get back into a routine and feel productive. I guess I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Well I know I'm not the same person I was a year ago. So why should I try to be that person or any version of myself I was in the past? I guess this is why being in the moment and being self aware is important. What worked for me a few months ago may not work for me now and that's ok.
I realize that my perfect Monday may just sound like I'm trying to give myself a 3 day weekend...that's part of the reason why I've been beating myself up about it. Why do I deserve a 3 day weekend? The truth is, it's not really a 3 day weekend. At least not for me. A lot of the time now my Saturdays are work days...if I don't have a photo shoot scheduled I'm meeting up with my friend/new business partner to go over things for at least half the day. Sunday mornings I may be laying in bed watching Super Soul Sunday but that's also the day where I do laundry and clean up a little bit. And sometimes I throw in a little bit of socializing and for me socializing is stressful, so it's not always relaxing the way it should be. So my weekends aren't what I think a typical weekend is for most people. My weekend isn't a complete break from working. I've realized that maybe on Monday I just need time to recover from excess time around family or from working or from socializing and doing chores. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter how anyone else does it. What matters is what works for me and if I'm being productive during my actual "work time".
So this morning I spent just a short time feeling crappy about how I was laying in bed going through a book about the paleo "diet"/way of living. I only felt bad about not getting up before 8am for a little while. Then for some reason I realized that this is ok. It's ok for my Mondays to be like this. If I want to wake up and drink coffee in bed while reading whatever I choose to read it's ok. If I want to sit on my computer watching reruns of Super Soul Sunday or blogging or posting things to the happiness group and contemplating my own happiness project...it's all ok. Just accept it and move on and when my Monday routine feels the need to change again, it will. Something is always changing and I feel discomfort when the change comes and instead of getting all bent out of shape about it and feeling like a terrible human being I just have to accept it, roll with it and readjust. It's that simple (but so very hard sometimes).
I drove 4 hours on Thursday to spend some extra time with my brother and his family since my nephew's birthday party would be happening on Saturday. On Friday my parents got there. That's 5 adults and 3 kids running around and zero places for me to go when I need space. Plus I'm there to spend time with them not to be alone so even in those moments I so desperately want to be alone I don't allow it. Unless I'm taking a shower or using the bathroom. Saturday was the party. My sister and her daughter were there as well as my other brother and his 3 kids. My sister in law has a large family and when you add them to my family I think there's at least a total of 25...I'm sure there's more than that and I'm just losing track. Plus some of my nephew's friends from school were there along with their parents. It's a lot of people for someone like me to be around. It's nothing new though...I've been to enough of these birthday parties to know how many people will be there and I've met them all before and had conversations with them all. But sometimes I get super anxious about it. This time around a good bit of my sister in law's family arrived before the rest of my family did and my social anxiety had kicked in big time. I wanted to disappear and zone out. I preferred to sit outside and watch the kids play. I was playing around on my phone. I eventually calmed down and the anxiety wore off but I couldn't wait for the end of the day when everyone left and I could put my pajamas on...even if it was only 5pm. Social situations stress me out sometimes. Then on Sunday it was time to make the 4 hour drive back home, which can sometimes be mind numbing and ridiculously uncomfortable. By the time I got home I was just so completely worn out. (And so completely happy that I cleaned my room, made the bed and put all of my laundry away before I even left on Thursday)
So with all of that going on for 4 days, why shouldn't I do whatever I need to do today to get myself back on track. To find some sort of balance. The sooner I accept that my work week isn't like everyone else's and doesn't have to be, the sooner I'll be happier and probably more productive. I'll spend less time worrying what other people think about how I'm spending my Monday and more time being me.
Happy Monday!
♥
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I have to warn you...I don't know where this post is going to go, but it's not going to start off very pretty. So if you don't want to read it I'll understand.
I'm in a terrible mood. Do you ever have one of those days where you just wake up and you're irritated with yourself and you're irritated with every one else? Like all of this stuff just built up and is now ready to explode. I'd like to think that these days I do a pretty good job of staying positive or at least just letting things flow rather than dwelling on something. Or maybe I really have just been burying stuff even though I thought I just reworked the way I view certain situations.
I don't know.
All I know is this. I woke up at 6am today, which is exactly the time I want to wake up. It's the exact time I set my alarm for. It's what I put down on my daily schedule. I was awake enough to stay awake...but I went back to sleep. Why did I go back to sleep? The only explanation I have is that I can't stand it when someone in my house says "why are you up so early?" or "you're up early" in a tone of voice that implies judgement of some sort. So instead of being myself and who I want to be and doing what I want to do I go back to my room and instead of staying awake in my room and meditating or journaling or something...I just lay back down. I try to justify this by saying this is my manifestation time...because I knew I was going to lay there and daydream about another life. I reset my alarm to go off in 30 minutes but when it went off I just turned it off and continued to sleep until 7:30 when my niece came in the room to tell me goodbye.
I'm irritated with myself because I went back to sleep. I'm irritated with myself because I didn't do what I want to do all because I was too worried about the hassle of dealing with judgement from other people. Why do I care what they say? Why do they care if I wake up early?
So this snowballs of course into me dwelling on my irritation with them. It grows into this burning desire to move out....which then turns into being angry with myself because I can't afford to move out. I'm angry because I'm supposed to make the best of the situation I'm in and either I can't seem to do that or this is the best. If this is the best then that's pretty upsetting as well. Why can't I afford to move out? Is it because I'm lazy...is it because I don't know how to budget money... is it because I'm a loser who doesn't have her shit together? Then I start to think about how maybe I wouldn't be so lazy/lack discipline if someone had taught me to be productive and showed me discipline. Maybe I would know how to budget money if it had ever been explained to me while growing up. Maybe I could have learned a lot of things about life and how to go through it if someone had found some sort of extracurricular activity for me to participate in. Maybe just because my 6 year old self didn't feel right punching and kicking people in karate it didn't mean I wouldn't feel right doing something else. Instead of assuming I wouldn't like anything after one trial and error why not give me a chance to do something else?
Yes obviously I have issues with my parents. I'm not saying I had a terrible family life or anything like that. I'm just saying that on the days when I'm trying my hardest to teach myself important life lessons and things either aren't clicking or I'm just plain exhausted....yeah I get angry about how some of this could have been prevented.
Then I throw a fit. This whole blog post is part of my fit. I sat in my bed writing in my journal feeling angry and feeling like I know I'm supposed to be writing positive affirmations rather than negative ones. I sat there stewing it all over to the point where I wanted to throw something or scream. I sat there not wanting to move and then I threw my pillow down and something in me said "stop it right now and get the fuck up". So I got up and still feeling completely angry I forced myself to make breakfast and engage in small talk about bird feeders while I was standing in the kitchen. Then I marched myself back into my room where I could continue to throw my fit and be angry.
I know I'm almost done with it now because I'm starting to feel bad about it. I feel bad because somewhere inside of me I know that this is the life experience I was and am supposed to have. I was supposed to grow up in a situation where one day as an adult I would be actively teaching myself how to be a responsible and decent human being.
I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or guilty or anything at all about all of this that just happened this morning. This blog post. My journal entry. The thoughts in my head. I don' t know. I almost don't even want to post this because I don't want to put any negative vibes out there into the world and because maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want anyone to think I'm a terrible person.
However, I guess the truth is that these moments are a part of who I am. I'm not perfectly positive all the time. I don't make it through every day with acceptance of my current position. Putting this out there for people to see involves being vulnerable I guess and from what I understand being vulnerable leads to accepting who we are and accepting who we are leads to living a happier life.
So there it is. Now I'm going to walk away from this post feeling the same way I do when I'm venting to a friend about something and they have a completely different point of view from mine and not only is it different but it's right. Which means I'm no longer allowed to be angry and irritated. You know what I'm talking about. That feeling of "you're right. but I really just wanted to be negative and angry all day and now I can't be." You know....cause being negative and angry is easier than be happy for some strange reason.
I suppose I'll go about the rest of my day with a different attitude from what I had when I started this post. That's something I should be grateful for. The ability to work my way out of a bad mood a lot quicker now than I was ever able to before. It's amazing what a little bit of typing can do for the soul.
Happy Tuesday. (I feel like I can say that now and actually mean it)
♥
I'm in a terrible mood. Do you ever have one of those days where you just wake up and you're irritated with yourself and you're irritated with every one else? Like all of this stuff just built up and is now ready to explode. I'd like to think that these days I do a pretty good job of staying positive or at least just letting things flow rather than dwelling on something. Or maybe I really have just been burying stuff even though I thought I just reworked the way I view certain situations.
I don't know.
All I know is this. I woke up at 6am today, which is exactly the time I want to wake up. It's the exact time I set my alarm for. It's what I put down on my daily schedule. I was awake enough to stay awake...but I went back to sleep. Why did I go back to sleep? The only explanation I have is that I can't stand it when someone in my house says "why are you up so early?" or "you're up early" in a tone of voice that implies judgement of some sort. So instead of being myself and who I want to be and doing what I want to do I go back to my room and instead of staying awake in my room and meditating or journaling or something...I just lay back down. I try to justify this by saying this is my manifestation time...because I knew I was going to lay there and daydream about another life. I reset my alarm to go off in 30 minutes but when it went off I just turned it off and continued to sleep until 7:30 when my niece came in the room to tell me goodbye.
I'm irritated with myself because I went back to sleep. I'm irritated with myself because I didn't do what I want to do all because I was too worried about the hassle of dealing with judgement from other people. Why do I care what they say? Why do they care if I wake up early?
So this snowballs of course into me dwelling on my irritation with them. It grows into this burning desire to move out....which then turns into being angry with myself because I can't afford to move out. I'm angry because I'm supposed to make the best of the situation I'm in and either I can't seem to do that or this is the best. If this is the best then that's pretty upsetting as well. Why can't I afford to move out? Is it because I'm lazy...is it because I don't know how to budget money... is it because I'm a loser who doesn't have her shit together? Then I start to think about how maybe I wouldn't be so lazy/lack discipline if someone had taught me to be productive and showed me discipline. Maybe I would know how to budget money if it had ever been explained to me while growing up. Maybe I could have learned a lot of things about life and how to go through it if someone had found some sort of extracurricular activity for me to participate in. Maybe just because my 6 year old self didn't feel right punching and kicking people in karate it didn't mean I wouldn't feel right doing something else. Instead of assuming I wouldn't like anything after one trial and error why not give me a chance to do something else?
Yes obviously I have issues with my parents. I'm not saying I had a terrible family life or anything like that. I'm just saying that on the days when I'm trying my hardest to teach myself important life lessons and things either aren't clicking or I'm just plain exhausted....yeah I get angry about how some of this could have been prevented.
Then I throw a fit. This whole blog post is part of my fit. I sat in my bed writing in my journal feeling angry and feeling like I know I'm supposed to be writing positive affirmations rather than negative ones. I sat there stewing it all over to the point where I wanted to throw something or scream. I sat there not wanting to move and then I threw my pillow down and something in me said "stop it right now and get the fuck up". So I got up and still feeling completely angry I forced myself to make breakfast and engage in small talk about bird feeders while I was standing in the kitchen. Then I marched myself back into my room where I could continue to throw my fit and be angry.
I know I'm almost done with it now because I'm starting to feel bad about it. I feel bad because somewhere inside of me I know that this is the life experience I was and am supposed to have. I was supposed to grow up in a situation where one day as an adult I would be actively teaching myself how to be a responsible and decent human being.
I don't know if I'm supposed to feel ashamed or guilty or anything at all about all of this that just happened this morning. This blog post. My journal entry. The thoughts in my head. I don' t know. I almost don't even want to post this because I don't want to put any negative vibes out there into the world and because maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want anyone to think I'm a terrible person.
However, I guess the truth is that these moments are a part of who I am. I'm not perfectly positive all the time. I don't make it through every day with acceptance of my current position. Putting this out there for people to see involves being vulnerable I guess and from what I understand being vulnerable leads to accepting who we are and accepting who we are leads to living a happier life.
So there it is. Now I'm going to walk away from this post feeling the same way I do when I'm venting to a friend about something and they have a completely different point of view from mine and not only is it different but it's right. Which means I'm no longer allowed to be angry and irritated. You know what I'm talking about. That feeling of "you're right. but I really just wanted to be negative and angry all day and now I can't be." You know....cause being negative and angry is easier than be happy for some strange reason.
I suppose I'll go about the rest of my day with a different attitude from what I had when I started this post. That's something I should be grateful for. The ability to work my way out of a bad mood a lot quicker now than I was ever able to before. It's amazing what a little bit of typing can do for the soul.
Happy Tuesday. (I feel like I can say that now and actually mean it)
♥
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sunday
Today I'm feeling a pull. The pull to be somewhere else, to go, to experience something other than my current experience. Maybe it's the time change, maybe it's the itch to work in the garden, maybe it's the edge of spring I'm feeling. I don't feel like being a responsible adult right now. I don't feel like sorting out my student loan mess, I don't feel like working on a budget plan, I don't feel like cleaning my room, I don't feel like dusting, I don't feel like getting the oil changed in my car, I don't feel like worrying about health insurance, I don't feel like worrying about any of it.
What I do want is to ride on a ferris wheel, go to a beach where the water actually looks blue, I want a yard full of fresh fruit and veggies, I want to have a bbq, I want to see the mountains, I want to see a cow up close and personal, I want to dye my hair some crazy color, I want to wear sun dresses all day long, I want to eat ice cream, I want to see the sun rise and later I want to watch it set, I want to play in the rain, I want to go to a farmers market on Sunday, I want to have a picnic, I want to be surrounded by people I love who love me too, I want a fur ball of a kitten, I want to fly a kite, I want to see Mt. Rushmore and the Grand Canyon and the Redwoods, I want quiet but happy moments alone.
I just want to go. I want to run. I want to take a larger than life garbage bag and dump everything I have in it and then I just want to sit in the middle of my empty room and feel completely free.
Something is pulling me.
Something even stronger is pushing me back down.
I don't know what it is.
♥
What I do want is to ride on a ferris wheel, go to a beach where the water actually looks blue, I want a yard full of fresh fruit and veggies, I want to have a bbq, I want to see the mountains, I want to see a cow up close and personal, I want to dye my hair some crazy color, I want to wear sun dresses all day long, I want to eat ice cream, I want to see the sun rise and later I want to watch it set, I want to play in the rain, I want to go to a farmers market on Sunday, I want to have a picnic, I want to be surrounded by people I love who love me too, I want a fur ball of a kitten, I want to fly a kite, I want to see Mt. Rushmore and the Grand Canyon and the Redwoods, I want quiet but happy moments alone.
I just want to go. I want to run. I want to take a larger than life garbage bag and dump everything I have in it and then I just want to sit in the middle of my empty room and feel completely free.
Something is pulling me.
Something even stronger is pushing me back down.
I don't know what it is.
♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)