Thoughts

Here are some random thoughts for you:

• It's true. Good feelings pass just like bad feelings pass. And that's ok.
• I'm more aware of myself these days, especially in moments when I'm about to apologize for being who I am and thinking the things I think and believing the things I believe and doing the things I want to do. All because I just want to make sure someone likes me. 
• I'm also aware of the fact that my ability to be open to new things and see other people's points of view and my lack of being a picky eater can all be misinterpreted and seen as trying to people please when I'm really not trying to do that at all.
• It's day 2 of my daily schedule and I have yet to follow the schedule today.
• I stayed up way too late last night.
• My body is sore from the first work out I've done in months. It feels good.
• Maybe I should plan a workout for every other day rather than every day?
• I've only recently begun to realize that I'm the kind of person who will try a different approach if the current one isn't working. Well what I mean is I've only just begun to realize that it doesn't make me a failure to keep trying different approaches. 
• I'm tired but I don't want to sit or lay around all day. I'd rather have something to do that doesn't involve sitting at my desk.
• I noticed that playing sports really can teach you about life. After my nephews' first day of baseball practice ever in their lives, I believed the most important lesson to be learned there was that most times you have to run to the ball in order to catch it. You can't just stand there waiting for it to come directly to you. You have to make the catch happen. Too bad I didn't play any sports as a kid. Trying to learn things as an adult can be hard, haha.
• I'm still feeling the love

♥

Love

During an interview with Oprah, Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)  said that she asks herself every day "what do I really really really want?" She said you have to say 'really' three times or it doesn't work, haha. So in the mornings sometimes after my meditation I do a little writing in my journal. I write some affirmations and I just try to manifest some good things for myself. Sometimes I'll write the question down "what do I really really really want?".  My answer for today was that I want to be in love. Not in love like romantically. Just IN love. Like I want to be love and all about love and just in it completely. I want to be in love with life. I want to feel the way I've felt before when I was in love with someone except now, without the someone. If that makes any sense. (although...to be in love with someone who is also in love with me wouldn't hurt, haha) Do you ever just all of a sudden have an overwhelming feeling of love, for what appears to be no reason at all? Well I do. It happens now. In the last 6 months I've experienced it more than just a few times and every time I feel it, it's like the most amazing thing in the world. Not even kidding. It's like all of a sudden everything is ok and I know it's ok and I know it's going to be ok. All of a sudden I'm just filled with joy and I want to dance around or share some goodness of some kind with someone.

It happened today. I got exactly what I asked for. I don't know what it was...and maybe I shouldn't question it. Maybe it came to me because I had the guts to ask for it directly. I asked the Universe for love and it was given to me. As soon as I recognized it I whispered "thank you" and smiled and thought about how amazing it is.

I had a good day. No, a great day. A really freaking great day. All I did was force myself out of bed at 6:04am (4 mins past my scheduled wake up time) and struggle my way through the early morning and my new daily schedule. All I did was take a walk/run on the treadmill and do a few ab exercises. I stayed focused while I did my work this morning. I congratulated myself for accomplishing something and being ten times more productive than usual rather than focusing on the fact that I was actually running behind my schedule all day. I didn't dwell on the fact that I lost focus completely around 1:30pm and even took an unscheduled 20 minute nap at some point. The second half of my schedule didn't happen at all, but I can work on it. And I feel good about it all, the accomplishments and the unfinished tasks. I feel good about the fact that I received a nice little letter from Seattle in the mail today. I feel good about putting some letters of my own out into the world. I feel good about seeing my niece this afternoon and watching two of my nephews at their first ever baseball practice. I just feel good. I feel loved. I don't know if it's coming from within myself or not...but maybe it is. Maybe I'm finally realizing that I do love myself enough to keep working on becoming a better over all person. Maybe it was some love from the Universe or God or whatever name you would like to give. (These days I'm calling "it" the Universe.)

I'm so excited right now I could cry. Right now in this moment I am IN love. I am straight up right in the middle of it. I am love. I am feeling it and experiencing it and I couldn't be more thankful. I wish everyone could feel this every day. I want to feel it every day...that's what I'm working towards.

I'm sending some love your way via a giant *air hug* :o)

♥

Accountability

Discipline?
Accountability?
Consequences?

Ah. I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately. I think deep down I've always known it was an issue. When it comes to a situation where other people are in charge I think I'm good. I mean when I work for someone else or even when I was in school (pre college days) I'm sure I do what I'm supposed to and I do it with a sense of urgency and importance. When I'm the one in charge of myself...well that's where my problems are. I think I remember being in high school and teachers warning us that once we're in college the teachers aren't going to put in the extra effort to make sure we get our work done. It will be up to us. We have to take the initiative to do what we need to do. It's our responsibility, no one else's. I've always been a procrastinator though, even in high school. I'm not even sure how I made it through seeing as how I always waited until the last minute to read the assigned books...if I read them at all. I was also that kid finishing up a paper minutes before it was time for bed the night before it was due. I guess I was lucky. I mean I didn't make exceptional grades and sometimes I wonder how much better they would have been if I would have had more discipline. I remember it always felt like a struggle though, just to get average grades. I remember being jealous of my sister who also waited until the last minute but got perfect grades. I remember complaining that I had to work my butt of to get those average grades. Looking back on it now, in a way, I did work my butt off.... fighting the procrastination and the lack of discipline was hard.  It's still hard. I just didn't know back then that the procrastination was something that ran deep. It wasn't just a simple choice I made to not do my work.

So here I am as an adult still battling these things. I have the potential to be really freaking amazing at whatever I choose to do. I can't totally blame my lack of discipline for where I am today but it does play a big role. So if the way we were disciplined as children didn't quite work for us how do we discipline ourselves now? How do we teach ourselves? How do we hold ourselves accountable? How do we come up with consequences for ourselves?

When it comes to my nephews, if they misbehave or don't do something they were supposed to do I end up taking the video games away. When it gets really bad I may even take away the tv as well. Then I make them go outside to play... I'm no parent so who knows if what I'm doing is "right" or "wrong". But really when it comes to children we either take something away or put them in a time out. How do we translate that into adult situations?

If I don't finish my to-do list for the day I typically just let it go and feel kind of bad about it later while I'm watching Pretty Little Liars or Grey's Anatomy...  So what if I don't do what I'm supposed to do for the day? Should I not allow myself to watch tv that night? Ok...well I'll just read instead. Or should I finish the work then watch tv? If I don't keep my room picked up or do the dishes....am I not allowed to go out with my friends this weekend? Do I take a time out? How does this work? How do I "punish" myself for "misbehaving"? And who's to say that once I do come up with a system for myself that I'll actually keep up with it?

How do you hold yourself accountable?

♥

When all else fails....send out a little love.

♥

Monday Morning Ramble

Even though I'm making progress I feel like something isn't working. Something isn't right. It's 8:24 in the morning and I've really only been awake for 30 minutes...I'm also typing this from my bed. If it weren't for my bladder I'd probably still be trying to sleep or just lay in a day dream. I used to wake up early every day (6am or 7am early). I used to look forward to Mondays. I used to go to the park and walk a few miles. I used to cook a good breakfast for myself. I used to sit in the back yard with a cup of coffee. I haven't done those things in months. On top of those things I'm slacking with my resolutions. Especially the ones I set for myself in January. The only one I'm consistent with is making the bed. I have a laundry basket full of clean clothes that need to be folded....it's been like that for 3 days. Without having to think too hard about it I believe I know what's holding me back. However, I don't think I'm ready to deal with it directly. I'd rather just run away from it and pretend it's ok. I mean really run away from it, like take myself physically away from the situation and pretend that these issues I have don't exist. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it I can't run away. I'm stuck here for now. It bothers me.

A part of me wants to be mad with myself because the longer I don't do something about it the longer the situation has control over me and what I do. Or is it wrong to think that one thing can have so much power? Is it wrong for me to think that everything will be fine once I can take care of this one area of my life? It's just that it's a huge area. It's a big big deal. I suppose I can either accept it for what it is and let it go or I can try to work on it. Working on it involves cooperation from the other side...which I'm not sure I'd get.

Today I'm feeling paralyzed. My brain is working and my mood isn't too bad but there's something pulling at me. That sad sort of feeling I get sometimes. That sad sort of feeling that makes it hard to function. That feeling that makes my legs feel like they weigh 300 pounds each and I can't move them. Then I get anxious from sitting or laying for too long. I start to worry what people will think if they know I'm not actually doing anything productive and what I'm really doing is laying in bed. It's moments like this when I know I have to force myself to move. Even if it hurts. I have to do something. I'm not so far down right now that I can't do something. But I'm on the edge of it.

I don't think doing work on the computer is going to be helpful today. It involves being practically immobile. So I think what I need to do and should do is something physical. I should clean up and maybe even get some sort of exercise. Maybe I can focus on all of my resolutions and check off as many as I can. Knowing that I can do those things gives me hope. Knowing that what I'm feeling right now won't last forever helps me to trust that I'll be just fine. Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side.

Hmm...my legs are feeling a little lighter already.  :o) Sometimes all I have to do is just make it to the other side and other times all I have to do is write it out.

♥

Worthiness

It seems to be a theme this morning. Worthiness.

♥

Compassion

Ok...originally when I logged into my little blog here I had it all planned out in my head what I was going to say. I'll be honest. It was going to be a rant about something that really bugs me and how I don't understand how I'm supposed to have compassion and understanding for this person and why they might be doing what it is they're doing that's driving me nuts.

I'm going to rant just a little anyway...just so I can bring you through the same thought process I went through.

Let's just say I don't understand why it's so hard to put the silverware in the designated spot in the silverware drawer divider thingy. I understand all of the spots are the same shape so you have to self designate but still. It's obvious that everything can have it's own spot. I've designated spots and it's clear what should go where when you open the drawer. There's a place for the spoons, the forks, and the knives. For some reason a particular person likes to just throw it all in there willy nilly. I don't mean they just put it in the "wrong" spot. I mean it's all literally thrown in there and every slot has a mixture of items in it. Sometimes it's just a mountain of silverware and next thing you know I'm digging for a spoon under a pile of tangled forks and knives. Since I was the only one home at the time I shouted "why is it so hard?!" and proceeded to organize the silverware drawer. It took no more than a minute to do it I'm sure. In my mind I wondered why it just doesn't happen while the silverware is being put away. I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon? I was irritated. That's when the question of compassion came to mind. That's when I started to wonder...really? I'm supposed to just let this slide because this person may be going through something I don't know about that causes complete disorganization and carelessness?

So that's when I decided to check and see what Brene´ has to say about it, after all it is one of the gifts of imperfection. (I've totally been slacking on my reading though) I knew I had highlighted some stuff in the beginning of the book about compassion. I also decided to look up the definition of the word.

According to Merriam-Webster, compassion means a sympathetic consciousness of other's distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Hmm...so when you feel compassion that means not only do you know and maybe understand how the other person feels but it also means you want to help them feel better? I think I kind of thought that compassion meant you can understand what the other person is going through so you give them a break in a way. Like maybe you aren't as harsh on them or you just let things slide....

I'm a little bit confused with myself right now. Why wouldn't I know that compassion involves wanting to alleviate another person's distress? At the same time when I notice a close friend is struggling and I do understand or try to understand and know the situation I of course want to help them out, but I didn't know that was compassion. Is it compassion? Also, how come it's easier to feel compassion for some people than it is others. I sort of feel a little ashamed right now for not having more compassion for people in my family. Maybe I'm more judgmental than I thought, especially when it comes to the members of my family. Which is crazy because I always feel like they're judging me. Holy cow. I'm having a major moment right now.

Even though there's a part of me that wants to put blame on certain people for why I am the way I am and there's a part of me that wants to pull out the argument one of my siblings often uses, which is "well, you raised me!" ...I know I can't. I'm old enough now where I have to take responsibility for things.

In the book  Brene´ quotes Pema Chodron, "When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us."  Chodron also says, "In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience--our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

I have to read those words slowly and several times in order for it to all really sink in.

"Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." This line really sticks with me for some reason. After reading these quotes that I highlighted I was no longer irritated with the silverware or the person who did it but I was slightly irritated with myself and the fact that Chodron is obviously right.

What is my darkness, exactly, that makes me so irritated about some jumbled up silverware? Why do I find it necessary for it to be organized and easily accessible? If I understand that then maybe I won't be so bothered by whatever darkness it is causing the other person to do things like be unorganized. "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." It's true, right? I mean normally if we find ourselves wanting to blow up at something it really  has nothing to do with them or what they did and everything to do with ourselves. Whatever they do has nothing to do with us and everything to do with themselves and whatever we do has nothing to do with them and everything to do with ourselves. Once we can understand ourselves better it's easier to be around other people even when they've got all their issues hanging around. Also...isn't it true that when we're bothered by someone else beyond measure it usually means that whatever they did really just triggered something in us that we don't like about ourselves, but if we aren't aware of that we end up lashing out or something?

So if I know that there is something going on with me that makes it hard to do something simple like put my shoes away or not let dishes accumulate in my room then it's possible there's something going on with someone else that makes them not want to keep a silverware drawer organized. Right? So maybe next time I should just let it go. Or maybe I should try to understand where the other person is coming from and try to help?

I just struggle with these kinds of things...because we're also supposed to have boundaries and accountability, right?

Well what do you think? What does compassion mean to you? How do you practice it when you're in a situation where compassion for a person doesn't come naturally? How do you balance having compassion and boundaries? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

♥


PS-"I thought surely having it organized makes everyone's life easier. Who likes digging through a mess to find what they need? Wouldn't they rather just be able to open the drawer and quickly grab a spoon?"

The silverware drawer is a metaphor for my life. Surely if my life was a little more organized inside and out it would be "easier". I'm constantly digging through all of my mess to find what I need, whether it be a pile of laundry or the mess that lives inside my mind. lol!