The Heart of Blue

Weigh in Wednesday

2012-02-08T08:51:00.000-06:00

Last Week: 184.8

This Week: 180.2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aside from working out like a maniac last week let me tell you what else I did. Or maybe I shouldn't because apparently when I put my plans out into the open they end up failing and when I keep them to myself I lose 4 pounds or other amazing things happen...... Ok I'll just tell you. I kind of put myself on an eating schedule. Small meals every 3 hours, it worked before and it keeps me from binge eating a bunch of crap at 3pm. I try my hardest to include a protein and a whole grain of some sort in every meal, but it isn't always easy. So I have breakfast and 3 hours later it ends up being lunch time and then 3 hours from that I end up having a really small snack of some sort because dinner is usually a big meal. I keep a loose count of the calories I'm taking in because writing it all down eventually makes me feel like a crazy person. But I'm sure counting calories the right way probably works. So when I say meals some of those meals are just a light as can be yet fulfilling snack. So I've been doing that for a week or so I probably got off track a little on the weekend because of the sickness and because I get lazy on the weekends.

I also gave up excess sugar....meaning no sweets. Even though Valentine's Day is coming up.... But I haven't given up sweets completely, only during the week. I went 5 days straight last week without it. I'm allowing myself to have the option to eat sweets on the weekend if I want to. Now that doesn't mean I can have a binge fest on candy it just means if I want to eat a cadbury egg then I can eat it. Which I did eat by the way and no it didn't taste as good as I remembered them tasting. My parents also came home with some freshly made pralines. Nothing but sugar. It took me the entire weekend to eat one, it was delicious. But I just kept breaking off little pieces here and there. Anyway, no sugar during the week. I'm doing good so far this week. Please let me keep this up. I just realized that yesterday I met up with Jill for coffee and I almost considered getting a frozen coffee of some sort but opted for a hot green tea instead. I would have been so mad at myself later if I had gotten the frozen coffee.

Anyway, I hope that I can keep this up and I hope that it is definitely playing a part in my weight loss. I feel good about it I just wish I was working out. I started feeling better yesterday but now I'm feeling sick again. And I really don't want to spread my germs to the people at the gym. But I'm canceling my gym membership today which means I need to come up with a plan for my home workouts and I need to stick to it the way I've been sticking to the plan I put myself on last week with my eating.

Ok I'm going. Sorry it's such a long weigh in post!

♥

decisions decisions

2012-02-07T08:10:00.000-06:00

I'm debating whether or not to go to the gym today because I've been a little bit sick lately. For one I don't want to get any worse and two I don't want to be one of those people spreading germs to innocent bystanders. Aside from figuring out whether or not to go today I'm trying to figure out if I should just quit the gym altogether. For financial reasons. I only have a few days to decide before it's too late to cancel this month's payment. I'm assuming I can just quit whenever I want. Most places have a 2 year contract I think and I've already been at this gym for longer than that. So I guess I need to talk to someone but I really don't want to. I just want to say ok I quit and you don't need to know why. Also, the thought of giving up the gym scares me a little just because I'm not sure I can depend on myself to actually workout at home. But the money I save could be spent somewhere else and I wouldn't feel so stressed out during those months when all I needed was just one more session booked to make it through with a good cushion. In order to hopefully get where I want to be one day I'm living at the minimum right now. And I'm not complaining because this is a choice I made. There's still more I can give up like.... a gym membership. People don't need a gym in order to get in shape. But they do need to be determined.

♥

Note To Self:

2012-02-06T08:22:00.001-06:00

The next time they're showing a marathon of Sex and the City.... don't watch it. It will keep you up at night worrying about how you're practically 30 and sort of feel like a failure.

I think I've written before about my new found love for the show and I do love this show but I think I'm only allowed 2 episodes at a time. Last night instead of watching the Super Bowl.... don't kill me, I decided to watch back to back episodes of Sex and the City from 5pm to 10pm. (I've been sick so I'm allowed to lie in bed watching tv all day) So when I tried to go to sleep, which should have been easy because I've been sick all weekend, I couldn't sleep. My brain just wouldn't shut up. In about 3 months I'll be 30. And what do I have to show for it? (don't answer that) And blah blah blah. I mean really do writers make enough money to be living in an apartment like Carrie's plus have all those shoes? Whatevs....

I realize it's ridiculous to be comparing my life to the fictional lives of people who live in New York City, but I'm just saying I had a little freak out moment last night. I eventually got to sleep but I woke up this morning feeling a little bit cranky and annoyed. Maybe I'll take a break from tv in general.

♥

Hair

2012-02-02T19:49:00.001-06:00

I posted this hair tutorial the other day from The Paper Mama

But I never showed you how it turned out. And since I'm a little bit bored I figured why not show you now! I've tried it several times since that post. It definitely works better if your hair is kind of damp. The first time I did it my hair had some volume to it but not really any curls. The next time I did it I just let my hair air dry and when it got to the point where it was just a little bit wet I decided to put it up. It doesn't take long to do. And then I slept on it. And the pictures below were basically taken as soon as I woke up. I did comb the curls out a little bit because when I first unrolled it some of the curls were ridiculously awesome ringlets and some of them were just kind of waves. The sections of my hair closer to my face are the ones that come out as ringlets. Anyway in order for my entire head of hair to look somewhat similar I ran a brush through it. And I love it. My hair is normally super flat so I love how doing this really does add some volume and I love the curls/waves.

Ideally I like to do it before bed but I took my shower this afternoon when I got home from the gym so my hair has been up in this headband since like 4:30. I guess I'll just keep it in til the morning or until I just get tired of it being up!

The Rain

2012-02-01T15:19:00.004-06:00

It's been raining off and on here today. I'd like to know how my body knew it was raining before I was even awake this morning. In my pre-Seattle days, rain meant staying inside all day curled up under the blankets and watching tv or some movies and even taking a nap. In my Seattle days, rain meant putting on my polka dotted rain boots and wearing a hooded jacket/coat of some sort and walking to wherever it was I needed or wanted to go. It's been close to 3 years now that I've been back and it doesn't rain enough here. When it rains I want it to stay forever and the rain makes me so happy it makes me sad. And now that I've been back here for awhile I think my body is slowly reverting back to wanting to stay snuggled up on a rainy day. Which is probably why it was so incredibly hard for me to get out of bed this morning and why I haven't even left my house. I decided to just get some work done instead, which means I think I'm finished editing my last session.

I miss Seattle, everyone knows that. But when it rains here my heart aches a little sometimes. I love the way the light from the window looks on overcast days. I love how all the green stuff looks so much brighter on rainy days. I miss the way it feels to sit in a coffee shop while it rains. I miss my rain boots. I even miss standing at a bus stop in the rain. I miss the way the streets look when they're wet and the light hits them just right. I miss how living in a cloud for days upon days makes the sunny days seem spectacular.

So I've been sitting at my desk and just letting the light pour in through the window and I have flashbacks of different days in the different apartments I lived in while I was in Seattle. I'm wishing I could see some moss covered steps leading up to someone's old house. I'm wishing I could see that cobblestone road or whatever it is in front of the market glistening from rain water. The closest thing I have to moss covered steps is the algae growing on the backyard fence. This bright green will hold me over for now.

And we have a little bit of something on the one little step at the back door. There's a little tiny tiny bit of that furry kind of moss hiding in the cracks.

The rain drops stick to the new window screen.

I had to throw my polka dot rain boots away a long time ago because they started cracking and water was seeping in. I now have blue "garden boots", but I think it's ok to wear them in the rain or the muddiness that is my backyard.

I know I may be a little bit sad because I'm missing "home" and I say home because people always say home is where the heart is. My heart has been in Seattle since the day I moved there in 2006 and I really do believe it's where my heart is still. Apparently I forgot to pack it when I moved back to Louisiana. Anyway, I may be a little bit sad because I miss Seattle but I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. I'm trying to cheer myself up by finding the things here that can sort of remind me of what I'm missing so much and I'm trying to take comfort in those things. That's why I decided to go out and take some pictures instead of just staring out of the window and wishing I was viewing different scenery. That and I wanted to blog about it, but describing everything I was seeing out of my window wouldn't have been the same as taking pictures of it.

It's supposed to rain for a few days and I hope it does.

♥

Weigh in Wednesday

2012-02-01T09:05:00.000-06:00

Last Week: 185

This Week: 184.8

Dinner always ruins me I think, as far as calories go. But hey, it's a little bit of a loss in the right direction. Yesterday I did lunge walks... the act of sitting down anywhere hurts. But if I keep it up I just may end up with a leaner looking butt and legs. lol

♥

aaaahhh!

2012-01-31T20:57:00.000-06:00

Just so you know..... I'm dying for some chocolate. We have some, but I'm not allowing myself to have it.

Yesterday and today: two great workouts and zero sweets.

How do I make it through the night without reaching for a snack I don't need?!

It's crazy what happens to my metabolism after only 2 days of working out again. I haven't been consistent with my working out this month, but I think I've already explained that to you. Anyway I always think it will take some time for working out to rev up my metabolism but apparently it doesn't. I know it's working faster because of how hungry I am. If I keep on track with eating every 3 hours and at least trying to incorporate a protein and whole grain of some sort (I don't have many whole grains to choose from in the house though) I'm ok. But on the days when I run (yes I ran today!) I start to lose my focus around 3pm. Like I just want to devour everything in the kitchen regardless of what it is and if it's something I really want to eat. I fought the urge by drinking some tea. Without the right food in the house I have a hard time staying on track later in the day especially if my workouts are consistent. I'm not sure if I'll make it through the entire week. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm sore in that good kind of way.

♥

Hey Hey Hey!

2012-01-30T11:26:00.000-06:00

It's Monday and I'm feeling fantastic! (now, that's a word I don't use often!) For those of you grumbling about it being Monday please don't hate me. :o) But you have every right to grumble I mean that's what all the normal people are doing, and I do understand the annoyance of Mondays. Anyway!

This is how my day has been so far:

Woke up at a decent time
Made oatmeal for breakfast put a banana and cinnamon in it and had a little bit of greek yogurt on the side. With tons of water and like a few sips of coffee.
Went to the gym!!!!! No I didn't run. Trying to run on a Monday is a lot of pressure and I was trying not to put myself in a situation that would leave me feeling disappointed in myself. I'll probably run tomorrow though. I used some other crazy machine but don't think I took it easy on myself. The machine I used sometimes feels way more difficult than running, I got a good workout. My legs were on their way to being jell-o when I was done. Then I did some strength training type stuff. I was there for like an hour.
Now I'm home! And since I didn't have much coffee earlier I was craving coffee and now I'm sipping on a little cup. I don't know how good this is for you after a work out but it's just plain black coffee with nothing in it. Mmmm sooo good!
Now I'm trying to decide if I want to get back to the organizing of my room because I let it go for the weekend. Or should I just start editing?
Or maybe I'll do both, but what to do first!? Editing is important but I'm not sure I can concentrate in the current state my room is in. Maybe I'll just clean my desk area and then begin to edit. Because my desk is no place for the bottle of nail polish I left on it a few days ago or elmer's glue or my headband.....
I won't think about it too much, I'll just start somewhere or else my entire day will be wasted by my indecisiveness. I'm determined to stay focused and be productive and keep my good mood for most of the day!

Ok. Bye! ♥

Happy Monday everyone! *wink* *wink* haha (there are a couple of you who know where this is coming from) :o)

Living the Dream

2012-01-28T08:39:00.001-06:00

In the last month of working at the book store there was this guy who would come in and every time someone greeted him or said "hi, how's it going?" his response was always a very loud and enthusiastic "livin' the dream! I'm living the dream." and he had a huge grin on his face. I could never figure out if he was being serious, sarcastic, or just plain silly. Whichever one it was he appeared happy about it. And then I wondered what was his dream, what did "living the dream" actually mean for him.

A few nights ago I was on the verge of falling asleep and those very words "I'm living the dream" came into my mind and I smiled. And I thought about that guy in the book store. And I thought about how maybe I am living the dream....I think sometimes I'm rather optimistic when I'm on the brink of falling asleep and all those things I tend to worry about disappear. And yesterday in the comments of my January post I was told that if I'm booking appointments and making money and enjoying myself then I am living the dream.

Maybe that guy in the book store was so hard to read because he really was living the dream but the dream wasn't exactly what he envisioned. And realizing that is kind of funny in a way. We can't have everything.... or can we? I don't really know. I think it comes in bits and pieces and one day it may all fall together. But I am living the dream right now. I'm making appointments, I'm doing photography, and I'm enjoying myself when I do it. Am I making as much money as I would like to right now? No, that's a big fat No. Am I still drowning in student loan debt? Yes and I will be for awhile even when I do get back on track with it. But like Chelsea said, I can't undervalue my accomplishments.

I'll get there, I know I will. I will find myself where I want to be. Maybe not exactly how I envision it but it will happen and I have to believe that as long as I keep trying. No one ever said living the dream would be easy, and I've always known that. But understanding that is completely different.

Today is a shoot day! I'm always nervous a little bit on shoot days with new clients but I'm always happy to know I'm going to be doing what I love.

♥

2012-01-28T00:01:00.000-06:00

I need to go to bed!

Here's what I did today:

I blogged.
I pinned.
I thought about all the things I needed to do.
I practiced curling my hair. Believe it or not, I'm practically 30 and I've never really been known to curl my own hair. And the only time it's ever curled is when I'm going to prom or standing in a wedding or something and it gets thrown up into a super curly updo.
I also practiced putting on some make up. Because I never do that either...wear makeup except for eye liner and mascara. But I'm going out tomorrow night and I want more than that on, which means I'll just be adding eye shadow to the mix...so daring, I know. And I want to do something different with my hair. I tried to get some pics most of them didn't turn out. I tried again just using photo booth and it doesn't really show my hair and stuff but I like it anyway.

You can see the shelf I hung up the other day! I put some stuff on it, right now it's just all of my Alice in Wonderland type stuff. The picture frames on the wall are empty I just hung them up for now.

After the hair and make up. I paced around the house feeling extremely bored and brainstorming what I'm going to do for tomorrow's shoot.

My niece came by and we watched some Spongebob, Mickey Mouse, Max & Ruby, and Wonderpets together.

I made the stuff for tomorrow's shoot. I'm taking pictures of a 3yr old girl. She likes Minnie and she'll be wearing something black and red with white polka dots. I love the classic Minnie with her yellow shoes, so I chose yellow for a couple of the props. I love a good paper crown. I think every kid should have one for their birthday. If I ever get around to it I'll scan and upload a picture of myself from my 7th bday party. I had an awesome red construction paper crown that my mom made and I was wearing a blue dress with yellow ducks on it and white stockings. So cute, I know! :o)

The little girl's name begins with the letter B so I made this B out of floral wire and yarn. I originally wrapped it in this fluffy gray yarn. I struggled with the color choice because of what she was going to be wearing and I really like the way the gray looked but then I thought of Minnie and thought yellow would be perfect. So I just covered the gray with the yellow which made it super thick and soft, which is good because I was worried the wire would be a problem but don't worry it's all completely covered with no sharp points. I was inspired by some things I saw on pinterest. I originally wanted to spell her name out like they did with the word love but I didn't want to use script and I had trouble with using regular print. So I just decided to make a capital B out of some of the floral wire I had lying around. I really like the way it turned out. I want to make some more! It would be cute in a kids room or something, I might give it to Bailee for her room or something when I'm done.

Source: bkids.typepad.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Source: re-nest.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Ok I probably spent way too much time today looking at tutorials about hair and make up. I can watch every make up tutorial in the world and I'll still think I'm doing it wrong. But hair I can understand. I came across this video for a no heat curl and I've been dying to try it all day. As soon as I finished with work stuff I got to it. The only thing I didn't do was make sure my hair was damp... I washed my hair this afternoon, it really needed it and I didn't feel like waiting any longer to wash it. And the headband thing probably won't stay on my head all night, but we'll see how it goes. Here's the video:

I really want to check out the rest of her blog but I haven't had the time or the patience to sit down for very long today to do it. But here's her site: the paper mama

Here's what the back of my hair looks like right now:

Oh and here's a picture I took yesterday I thought you might like.

In case you don't see it, it's a fruit loop and the hole is shaped like a heart!

Ok Ok I'm going to bed! ♥

January

2012-01-27T10:38:00.000-06:00

Ok, so... February is less than a week away. I can't believe it. It's safe to say that I didn't accomplish any of my goals for January. I'm just not dedicated enough. I know it's not February yet but I may as well get this post out of the way.

I'm going to list my goals along with the excuses I've come up with to "justify" why they haven't been done yet. Get ready for a really long post. I'll understand if you get bored and don't finish reading it.

1. Make new business cards: New business cards cost money. I had some money in the budget for this until I remembered an oh so lovely fact about the gym I go to and how they take out an additional payment in the month of January. I think I've mentioned this. Aside from that I'm horrible at making final decisions. I was thinking about going with Moo for the printing because I kind of like the idea of having a photo on one side and contact info on the other side. And it's done in a way that doesn't look super cheesy. But then I worried about whether or not it really is cheesy. Then I considered using the business cards I used when I graduated from AIS, I just have to change the contact info because it has all changed since then. But I don't know if those cards still represent who I am. And really who am I anyway? Sometimes I wonder. And all of this stuff gets me stumped. It's true, I'm one of those people who stand in their own way. I'm aware and it's something I need to work on.

2. Create a business plan: I guess really there's still time for this. Or time to at least get a rough draft down. I should do it today. My reasons for not doing it.... well I just get overwhelmed because I think about where I want to be in the long run like years from now. I think about where I want to end up instead of thinking about what I can or need to do now in order to get me there. And then it all seems hopeless. Because if you think about where you are now and then where you want to be there are all these steps missing and you have no idea how to get where you think you're supposed to be. When really I should be thinking about right now or where I want to be in a few months or by the end of the year. And I have to remember that just because I'm choosing to do portraits right now doesn't mean it's the kind of photography I'll be doing forever. It's like when you run and they tell you not to look too far ahead of yourself or you'll want to stop. You're only supposed to look a step or two in front of you and take one step at a time. Yes I relate a lot of things to running and working out for some reason.

3. Move my photography blog: It's hard. All this website and blog stuff is hard if you're trying to be serious about it and a professional about it. I was going to put my photography blog over on wordpress but I don't even know if that's the right route to go. Why do all these people seem to have a custom built website with a blog inside of it? How do they even do that? Or does someone do that for them? I'm having trouble understanding wordpress and how to use it anyway. But I'm still reading and trying things out and trying to find videos that could make it easier to understand. But I think to get the cool stuff I'm gonna have to pay for it, which is fine. I just can't do it today. So this goal isn't one I've completely ignored and put off, I've been working on it pretty consistently actually.

4. Be as proactive as I can be in making appointments: I really have no words for this one.

5. Make it to the 170s: I want to cry....but only a little. Ok so I did good going to the gym for like a week or two and then Jill wanted me to check out her gym to see if I would consider switching so we could workout together. During the week that I was a guest at her gym I only ran once and then did yoga like 4 times. Yoga is still a workout, believe me. But I don't think it's enough for me. I have to be doing something else with it. And the fact that I come out of yoga feeling so relaxed makes me feel like it doesn't really count even though when I'm in there I have moments when I feel like I'm dying. So I think after a week of yoga I got lazy. So I didn't work out at all this week or last week really. A part of me feels guilty for even having a gym membership, just because I could be saving that money. And if I can't eat properly then I feel like working out isn't going to work for me. I'm getting too old for that. When I was like in my early 20s I could eat whatever I wanted and work out and still be fine but not anymore. We never have any decent food in the house. I've been eating more chips than I should lately...and sweets. I've been eating out of stress. I'm an emotional eater and I don't think that can be fixed by going to the gym. It could maybe be helped if I had better foods to choose from when I decide I'm so sad I need to eat something or whatever. I haven't been drinking enough water and I can feel it in my skin...yuck. Yesterday I quietly told myself and no one else that I was going to do better. I was going to make sure I had plenty of water to drink. I was going to make the best choices I could with what we have to eat and for the most part I did. I would eat every 3 hours. I did pretty well until the afternoon came around. For some crazy reason I was craving chips. I tried really hard not to eat them but I ate them anyway. And at that point I decided if it were the only "bad" thing I ate it would be ok. And I was fine after I ate them except for the fact that they didn't really taste as good as I thought they would. Then later I went out for coffee but I got a small nonfat hot chocolate. And if you've ever worked at a starbucks you know how much chocolate syrup gets pumped into a tall hot chocolate..... more than necessary, believe me. But I wasn't really feeling guilty about that. But what I should be feeling bad about is how I went almost an entire day being really good and really conscious of what I was eating and then when I got home from coffee I was informed of the cadbury eggs my dad bought and I had some more chips.... what is wrong with me!!! Anyway I'm not really allowed to complain about not losing weight, because I know what I've done and haven't done. And I'm not going to say next month will be better because I don't know that.

6. Cut out some of the sugar: This obviously didn't happen. I made birthday cakes and I ate birthday cakes. I also ate two cadbury eggs last night. No excuses. I'm addicted to sugar that's all there is to it. That and I'm an emotional eater. These aren't excuses they're just problems.

7. Run 3 miles: Oh I ran 3 miles.... but not all in one day. I don't think I need to say much more about this if you've already read the rest of this post.

I know all of this probably sounds pathetic. Maybe you think I'm lazy and maybe to a certain degree I am. Or maybe you're thinking if I didn't spend all this time blogging I could have been doing something productive. But for me writing is productive because usually when I'm done posting something I get up and go do something that needs to be done. Writing has and always will make me feel better. I don't do it often enough. I have issues I know. But you just have to know that I'm not just hanging around my house feeling free to do whatever I want. I'm constantly getting in my own way because I over think everything and because the things that scare me sometimes paralyze me. And I spend a lot of time worrying about my family and helping them out with their problems, this stresses me out to the max and it's exhausting. I don't know why being unhappy with my situation isn't motivation enough to get me out of it. I'm not sure I will ever understand myself.

I may not have accomplished the goals I set out for myself this month but here is a list of what I have done this month:

I booked 2 photo sessions. 1 of which is a full priced session, not a promo price.
I've been meeting with a friend who is helping with the business side of things for my business. She's been helping me a lot and it makes me feel productive and hopeful for the future. (This is what I didn't want to jinx myself about. I like feeling hopeful and I don't really want it to disappear anytime soon.)
Because of my friend's help I'm in the process of booking a senior portrait session at full price.
I did a practice shoot for cap and gown photos using my new background stand. It was fun to do a studio type set up. And since the seniors around here need those pictures for their yearbooks, it's nice to know I'm capable of doing it.
I'm slowly but surely getting organized.
I made a lemon cake from scratch for the first time.
I made a king cake from scratch for the first time. (I love to bake, it's a stress reliever for me)
I pulled a bunch of images so I can make a new portfolio.
When my monthly wave of depression came over me, I acknowledged the fact that it was happening and reminded myself it would go away soon. So there was no need for me to fall down the rabbit hole and cry myself to sleep about it. And there was no need to let it take over and control my life. So I didn't let it completely control my life for the week that it was here. (Trust me, this is an accomplishment)

That's all I've got for now. My accomplishments may not seem like much to most people but I have to stop thinking about what most people believe is acceptable. I have a lot of stuff to work on and I do feel like I'm making improvements in life in general. I'm not sure if I'll make goals for February, but if I do I have to make sure they're simplified and doable so I don't get overwhelmed. I have to look at my goals from a completely different point of view.

♥

Chocolate Cake!

2012-01-26T18:59:00.001-06:00

I'm getting ready to meet up with Jill for some coffee, even though it's almost 7pm. But I have nothing to do in the mean time so I decided I would post about this chocolate cake I made last weekend. I'm not going to post the recipe because it's not really mine to post that and I'm kind of lazy. It's actually this lady's recipe. And it was delicious. Usually for a chocolate cake I use a recipe from Martha Stewart but after reading Chelsea's recipe I decided to give hers a shot instead. Chelsea is, after all, the next Martha you know. haha Anyway! When I was a kid I never would have told you my favorite cake was chocolate, and even now I don't know if I could say it's my favorite. But it's definitely my favorite kind to bake. And with the right kind of chocolate frosting, it's just AMAZING!!!!

In the oven.

Out of the oven.

Out of the pan.

Frosted.

I do love chocolate frosting. This time around I used store bought frosting, I don't see any harm in that. But there's a part of me that's just asking why didn't. I mean it's like running a race and deciding to walk across the finish line. Oh well, it was still delicious.

Chipped.

Chelsea's recipe didn't call for chocolate chips. But since I was stacking the two layers I thought the chips would be a good way to keep the strawberry frosting kind of away from the chocolate frosting. The reason for this was that the cake was for the twins' 7th birthday. Originally they wanted two different cakes. Chocolate with chocolate frosting and strawberry with strawberry frosting. I considered making two different cakes from scratch and then asked them to compromise. They had trouble with this. But the final decision was chocolate cake with half strawberry frosting and half chocolate frosting.

Delicious close up.

Strawberry frosted.

Can I just say that I love love love strawberry frosting. I can smell it's loveliness just by looking at the pictures.

Stacked.

Sooo Good.

The cake was really really really good. And it made sooo much. Each layer of this cake could have been just a single cake on it's own because it was so thick, but I wanted to stack them. The only part of Chelsea's directions I didn't follow was the part where she says to transfer the ingredients to a larger bowl because you may end up with cake batter all over the kitchen. I'm a daredevil. My bowl did come close to overflowing, I just had to make sure it was mixing on the slowest speed possible or I would have been covered in chocolate. The other problem with not using the big bowl was that when the time came for me to pour the batter into the pans I was too afraid to pour it out so I used a measuring cup to scoop it out and then put it in the pans. Oh and one more thing I didn't follow was the cake pans. She used 3 and I used 2 and I have no idea what size mine were lol. Unfortunately, the twins didn't like the cake. And I have no idea why. To be honest I was kind of annoyed about it...but they're 7 what can ya do? I think they're just used to box mix cakes. *eye roll*. I mean seriously, if you've never made a cake from scratch you NEED to! It's really easy and at least this way you know everything that's going into your body. That doesn't mean everything in the cake is good for you.....it just means it's not a bunch of overly processed stuff coming from a box. But whatever, it's easy and it's tasty. And you'll never want to use a box mix again. The thought of it makes me cringe.

♥

Old Room

2012-01-25T19:57:00.000-06:00

I don't know, maybe I'm just in the mood to embarrass myself. But I thought I would show you some pictures of what my room used to look like. What it looked like before I moved to Seattle... which was like 6 years ago. (wow, that's crazy to think about) But I can't even tell you how long it really did look the way it looks in these pictures. Please don't judge me. Just know that when I did move back here about 3 years ago I hated walking into the room I had left behind. It just wasn't me anymore. It was a younger version of myself. 3 years later I'm still trying to get rid of some of my old things, but it hasn't been easy. So at some point in 2010 I decided I had the money to buy some paint and repainted my room. I don't have any proper after pictures but if you're lucky and I'm not being lazy I'll take some new pictures when I'm done doing all this other stuff I've been trying to do. Like hanging up shelves and empty picture frames.

So here ya go..... one giant green wall with blue squares and rectangles. It's so gross whenever I think about it now. But when my sister and I were kids we shared this room, it's the second biggest bedroom in the house. When our oldest brother moved out my sister and I moved into the smaller rooms that our brothers used and my brother who was still living at home moved into this big room. The walls were blue and pink. I wanted blue my sister wanted pink blah blah blah. When my brother moved into the room he painted the walls green. All of the walls were this crazy green color. For some reason back then he thought it was so cool and when he moved out of the house I moved back into this room and he said I had to promise to keep at least one wall green. I don't know why I felt the need to agree to this, but I did. But I had to change it up a little by taping out all these squares and rectangles and then painting them blue. It took a lot of time. I painted another wall all white. Then you can see the white wall with these purplish blue swirls and "clouds". It's embarrassing because I was in college at this point. I mean yeah I was still young but this is the kind of stuff you want to do to your room when you're in high school isn't it? Whatever I've always been young for my age. Even now I feel young for my age.... Notice how on the swirly wall above the mirror I tried to hang up one of my prints from school. When I got back here I just started taping up all these prints from AIS to maybe help me cope with being back home and having to stay in this hideous room.

You can get a little glimpse of the carpet there down in the corner. I hate this carpet and there's nothing I can do about it.

This was taken not even halfway through the painting process. Please ignore my reflection :)

This must be after the final coat... for this wall anyway.

So this wall was painted with the color I used for swirls on the other wall. Another place where I just hung up a bunch of pictures. This spot was mostly pictures of myself lol. That's not the color it is now. But if you saw the post earlier with the shelf, that's what color this wall is now. And then the other two walls are that dark purple you see above. Yes my room is two different colors, but I like it that way.

That's all you really get for now. Apparently I didn't take any pictures of the wall that has the closet in it. Except for what you see in the window. You don't want to see that mess anyway. I don't have a door on the closet so it's a constant point of chaos for me. And for some reason I didn't paint the inside part of the frame on the closet. You'll notice that on a later post I'm sure. I think my plan was to hang a curtain or something there. Anyway I hope my interior design savvy friends approve of what the final product is or will be once they see it. I'm starting to have second thoughts about actually posting this.... but I guess I'll do it anyway. I did just spend all the time typing it out :)

♥

holes in the wall

2012-01-25T11:49:00.000-06:00

In my efforts to get more organized and what not I've finally decided to hang up some things that have been collecting dust. I don't really like hanging things up because I'm terrible at it. Measuring in a straight line without the keen eye of someone else.... someone a little more handy, you know like my friend over at little red chair ;) is rather difficult and annoying.

I think I mentioned that I found a million empty picture frames in my closet. And I'm tired of them being in my way on the floor since I've removed them from the closet. Yesterday I hung 4 empty frames on the wall. And, no. They aren't perfectly straight which drives me a little bit nuts but they aren't so crooked that I'm going to obsess over it.... Or maybe I will obsess over it once I put some photos in them. I still have another million frames to hang I just don't know where yet.

I was given a shelf at some point....I think it was last year or maybe it's been longer. And since I loathe hanging things I never hung the shelf on the wall. I know I know, I have issues. Last night I decided where I was going to hang it and this morning I decided to attack the wall with a screw driver. The shelf came with the screws and those little plastic screws that you're supposed to put in the wall first if you're just hanging onto straight drywall. I have weird walls. I got one plastic screw to go in and it made me feel like hanging this shelf was going to be easy. Then I had to measure where the next hole would go, which wasn't easy. I'm always off by like a millimeter or something ridiculous. But then I couldn't get the plastic thingy in first which frustrated me. Stubborn as I am (yeah, I'm a Taurus) I kept trying to make it work. Then I decided maybe I could just put the screw in the wall because maybe there was a stud there. That didn't work either and now I have a giant hole in the wall. Don't worry, it's not the first time I've attacked this particular wall in my life time. My sister and I shared this room and these walls when we were kids. So anyway, the shelf has multiple hanging things on the back of it and they're in weird places. But it made my life feel a little bit easier when I realized I could just use one of the other spots instead of the one that wasn't working. This didn't go well either. The plastic screw didn't work, of course. So I finally got the electric screw driver from my dad....and by the way, this may be a stupid question but...what's the difference between a drill and an electric screwdriver? I've definitely used a drill to screw things into a wall or a fence post before... Anyway I finally got the electric screwdriver to work only to find out my measurements were slightly off. Ugh!!!!! I wish I would have taken note of when I started this because it seemed like it took me forever. But maybe it only took an hour and in my mind an hour is still too long to hang something up. I put so many holes in the wall trying to readjust things. I finally got it though...

Well almost. It's crooked and it's driving me insane because it's only slightly crooked. I kept trying to fix it without having to just decide on a completely different area for the shelf. My dad decided to come in and ask me how the electric screwdriver worked and I was all grumbly about it and how my shelf was crooked. So he told me, "you know, I do have a level you could have used" Does he not understand that a level doesn't do me any good. I mean the holes on the back of the shelf are in weird places. They aren't just flush with the edge of the shelf. I can't just draw a line along the edge of the shelf and end up with perfect placement. I mean maybe I just really don't know how to do anything. Anyway now there are more than enough holes in the wall. Pencil marks that won't come off and a slightly crooked shelf that I'm going to pretend isn't crooked. (This makes me want to cry a little)

Here I took a couple of pictures to show you, it doesn't look that bad in the photos for some reason. But trust me, I'm not completely crazy. It's crooked. Unless my ceiling is crooked or something and all the lines are tricking my eye. But then again that reasoning doesn't work if I place a marble on the shelf and it rolls a little. I didn't really try that, but I'm sure it would roll. And seeing that would only upset me even more. Just ignore all the crap I have sitting in and on my bookshelf. Thanks. You can actually see holes from years ago still in the wall. I know that would drive some people nuts. But I usually found ways to cover them. haha..

♥ ~ I'm not as handy as I would like to be...boooo

Weigh in Wednesday

2012-01-25T08:24:00.000-06:00

Last Week: 184

This Week: 185

I'm obviously doing something wrong. And I know it. I have a lot to say about this but I'll say it later. I just have to make sure that what I want to say isn't a bunch of excuses.

Investment

2012-01-23T12:41:00.000-06:00

I've decided to take a break from what I'm working on to do a little post. I'm currently working on gathering photos for a potential photo book to show to potential clients. I like the word potential. :)

Anyway.

The words "Invest in those who invest in you" keep running through my mind. I'm just feeling exhausted. The people who put the effort into caring about you and helping you deserve the same in return, especially if you want them in your life. And the people you just give and give and give to who haven't caught on to the concept of showing appreciation or showing that they care maybe don't deserve your time and energy. My problem is I understand that everyone has their own story and their own struggles so I end up being too understanding when it comes to feeling like I'm being taken for granted or made to feel like my efforts are pointless. I do, however, understand that life can be crazy and people do get busy so they don't always have a chance to say thanks or whatever and those aren't really the people I'm talking about. Anyway, it's exhausting. And maybe I spend too much energy on the wrong people.

So I want to spend more time showing my appreciation to the people in my life who really care about me and who really support me and want me to be happy. I hope those people know how grateful I am to have them in my lives. I try to give as much as I take. I would like to give more. But a few of these people I'm talking about are the few who actually read my blog :) so you know who you are. But I hope you know I'm glad to have you in my life and I appreciate you. Even if we're miles apart or don't get to talk often, you are always in my thoughts. And if there's someone close to you making you feel like you'd rather be invisible just remember that you aren't invisible to me. I can see you.

Invest in those who invest in you. Live with what you love.... all that good stuff.

♥

ps-

Sarah thanks for the chat this morning.
Chelsea thanks for the awesome chocolate cake recipe. (it's all I want to eat today)
Eric, thanks for the music. And thanks for reading my blog :)
And to anyone else out there who is reading this that I don't really know, thanks for taking the time out of your day to stop by :)

Cluttered

2012-01-19T12:19:00.000-06:00

My mom just came into my room/workspace/storage space because she needed a break from her work. She said "I like the empty picture frame you have hanging up". I had just hung up one of my photo props because I was tired of having to move it around, so when I'm not using it for work purposes it will now hang on my wall. Empty and purple. Then she asked me what happened to my dry erase board. The one I made after getting an idea from pinterest. You know.... old picture frame turned into a dry erase board. I took it down because the frame didn't use real glass it was plexi and for some reason I can't get the marker that's supposed to erase... to well, erase. It was a 16x20 frame now I'll have to downgrade my dry erase board to an 11x14 or something because that's what I have. Then she apologized for not getting the shelving I had asked for for Christmas. I wanted to add it to the already existing shelving in my closet. And then I told her I came up with another solution, which was to take apart the old corner shelf and set it up in a way to add more shelving to my closet. Which was the project I started a couple of weeks ago and have yet to post about. I'll get to it one of these days. Then I told her I still need to find a way to raise my bed so I could use the underneath of it as storage space as well. We have some cinder blocks but not enough. And then somehow she got onto the topic of the old drawers I turned into shelves when I was a kid. Which brought me to the question of whether or not we still had that old vanity the drawers came from. And she said yeah it was in the garage. Our garage is like a scene out of hoarders... don't ask. So my mind immediately started racing trying to think of a better way to use the vanity that's been sitting in the garage for who knows how many years. I suggested she use the vanity in the sewing room we are trying to put back together. (We took it apart when we thought my sister was moving back in.) It could be storage or even a good table to put the sewing machine on. If I had anymore space in my room I would totally take it. Talking about the vanity led to the fact that she still has the big mirror that just sat on top of the vanity and how maybe I could use that as a dry erase board or something else. And of course my imagination was going all over the place again. And then I said I can't even look at it until I get the rest of my room organized and de-cluttered and all that. I'm all about trying to make the best use of space now and things we already have. There were a few times that my mom mentioned something about well you need this or that. And I was like the point is to not spend any money. The point is to reuse things we already have that aren't really being used with a purpose right now. I don't think she fully understands the concept which is probably why our garage looks the way it does. And why the rest of the house is poorly organized. And why I have such bad organizational skills. And why I probably have too much useless crap in my room right now. I want to simplify my life and my space. I don't think it is the only answer to all of my problems. I don't believe it will make everything better but I do believe my life could benefit from it. Sorry no pictures. I have them I'm just not ready to post them. Because I need the awesome after photos to go with them. And I'm still slowly making my way through the mess that is my room.

♥

weigh in wednesday

2012-01-18T21:40:00.000-06:00

I almost forgot to do my weigh in. Unfortunately I had to do it now, I like to do it in the morning before I eat anything. Maybe that's crazy...or is that normal?

Last Week: 184
This Week: 184

Music

2012-01-17T09:39:00.000-06:00

Last week I found this song through Eric. I love the video.

Yesterday I found this song through Chelsea, which happens to have Kimbra in it as well. I did nothing but listen to this song non-stop all day long. I woke up in the middle of the night and it was still running through my head. When I woke up this morning I immediately turned my computer on so I could watch the video and listen to the song. There's something strangely interesting about the way his face moves when he sings.

Last night I found this song on my own after searching for more Gotye music. Love it.

Anyway, I just want to say how glad I am to have friends who like good music. Music I wouldn't even know about if it weren't for them! ♥

Now I have to go be productive somewhere.

A Moment

2012-01-16T21:10:00.000-06:00

Today I found myself at a point where I had to walk away. I had to come to my room with a cup of mint tea and sit in silence. I had to breathe the way we breathe in yoga. I had to shut off my mind and drown out the sounds. And then I laid my head down on the wrong end of the bed curled up under a blanket and fell asleep. Sometimes I just can't deal with the chaos that happens around me. ♥

Lemon Cake

2012-01-15T22:00:00.004-06:00

I'm not trying to brag about my baking skills or anything.........but this is probably the BEST lemon cake I've ever had in my life. But I guess I have to thank Martha Stewart or wherever she got this recipe because I followed it word for word just like always do when it comes to baking. Well almost always. I made some cookies recently that called for pecans and I threw in butterscotch chips and these bits of heath bar toffee mix instead and they were delicious and gluten free! Anyway, lemon cake for my mom's birthday. It was good.......so good I had 2 pieces. Let's just forget for a little while that I'm trying lose weight ok? Thanks :) ♥

Jinx 1 2 3

2012-01-13T08:23:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else ever worry about jinxing themselves when something good happens or something good is about to happen? Like you just don't want to tell anyone because the second you do tell someone that good thing disappears? That's me all the time with everything these days. Anyway there was something I wanted to write about but I've decided not to now because of the whole jinxing thing. Call me crazy if you want to. But you should also know that I probably won't be able to keep it to myself for very long.

I try not to let myself get excited about things because being excited often leads to being disappointed. At least for me anyway...I have past experiences to prove it. I'm not here today to tell you I'm in such a horrible mood or anything I'm here to say I'm in a good mood and feeling hopeful and I'm going to try and hold onto this feeling for a little bit longer. Let's see if I can make it last an entire day! And that's all I'm going to say about it. You know, because of the whole jinxing thing. And on another day I'll give more details on my real thoughts about being "jinxed". The word 'jinx' is fun to type out. You should try it.

Other than the things I can't tell you about right now, I'm going to yoga again today. Yay!

♥

There are more emotions and thoughts in this post than I originally intended

2012-01-12T09:21:00.000-06:00

Soooo............. I have a confession to make.

I weighed in yesterday morning but tried to pretend I didn't. And tried to remember to weigh again later and hope for a different result. But I didn't do that either. I really don't want to tell you what the scale said because I'm embarrassed but I feel like it's not fair for anyone if I withhold the information. In some ways this blog is here to hold me accountable for some things like putting in the effort to lose some weight. Or working harder to be a photographer. You know, if I put it on the blog then there's no way I'll allow myself to fail. But then again I could always just quit blogging just like I quit everything else. Anyway, here it is.

last week: 181.6
this week: 184

It's ridiculous. It freaks me out. But...and I'm not trying to make excuses I really believe what I'm about to say is playing a huge factor. And I'm not trying to be gross or anything so all I'm going to say is I'm bloated and a little bit blocked up. If you know what I mean.

But here are some other things that aren't really good excuses at all. I've been socializing more...... I had forgotten how hard it is to make good choices while socializing. Did I really need that burger from Rally's last night. And thank goodness I only had one beer. Working out makes me want to eat more, unfortunately we don't have anything good to eat in my house. Not having anything good to eat isn't an excuse, at least not in my mind and here is why. There's no good food for me to eat because I can't afford to buy it. I can't afford to buy it because I don't have a consistent paying job. I don't have a consistent paying job because I want to be a photographer and not someone who works in the mall. Mall jobs and coffee jobs seem to be the only thing available to someone like me in the state of Louisiana. I can't get one of those jobs because as soon as I get paid my wages will be garnished automatically, no questions asked, in an effort to pay off my student loans. If I only make like 7.50 an hour and then you take out taxes and then you take out student loan payments I'll still be left with absolutely nothing. And I'll be even more miserable than I am now and I will feel even more hopeless than I do now. And of course all of this job stuff and lack of money stuff is stuff I take full responsibility for. I didn't have to be an art major....twice. Did I know back then that the world would make me feel as though having a degree in art was a joke, no. But then again I didn't realize I was declaring myself an art major the first time. I really thought photography would have been a communications major but anyway.... the second time I should have known better, but I didn't. Should I have been better informed of these things in the beginning, yes. Should I have been shown the devastating truth about student loans, yes. But at the same time I was an "adult" maybe I should have just known better and done more research. But really... how many people do you know that are like that when they're 18? I only know of one.

Anyway, I know I complain a lot and sometimes it sounds like I'm making excuses. But usually those excuses are me just talking about what I'm constantly stressed about. I take full responsibility for everything that is going wrong in my life right now. And it weighs me down into the ground. It makes me gain 3 almost 4 pounds. It makes me eat for the sake of feeling comfort. It makes me want to stay up later and sleep longer. Instead of disciplining me and motivating me it does the exact opposite. I was recently asked how come I'm not fighting harder to get out of here. And I didn't have a real answer. I mentioned I was a little bit scared and I know how stupid that sounds but it's true. I mentioned how when I first moved back I took the time to just be sad about the situation and readjust. And that time I took was a mistake. There have been times when, in my mind, I was fighting and it didn't get me anywhere which is hard to deal with. It's kind of like running on a treadmill. You run and run and you've gone miles but when you're done you are literally physically in the same place you were when you started. It's exhausting.

Every night I go to bed feeling like I didn't do enough. And every morning I wonder what it's going to take for me to get something accomplished. And every time I accomplish something I second guess whether or not it's valid.

I'm skipping the gym today so I can focus on work. Learning how to balance everything will have to come later I think.

♡

Is it Wednesday already?

2012-01-11T13:57:00.000-06:00

Number 1: I'm avoiding the weigh in.
Number 2: I'm testing out a new gym.
Number 3: I can't afford to sign up with a new gym.
Number 4: I probably shouldn't even be paying for the gym I'm at now.
Number 5: I worked out twice yesterday.
Number 6: I did yoga today. It was great.
Number 7: I'm exhausted.
Number 8: I just want to eat.
Number 9: Will you get mad at me if I take a nap?
Number 10: I have a tummy ache.
Number 11: Like a true addict, all I can think about is candy.
Number 12: I need to get focused.

♥

One more thing......

2012-01-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

I'm so stressed out right now so I'm pretty sure I totally over ate. All. Day. Long. Part of wanting to eat so much has to do with my increase in physical activity. But the part of me that just wants to eat starburst and potato chips and have extra helpings at dinner and have a spoonful or two of the mac n cheese my nephew's had for dinner.........I don't even like that boxed mac n cheese...that part of me is the I'm so freaking stressed out part of me. I don't know what to do. Please send help.

♥

run

2012-01-10T21:27:00.001-06:00

So far I've logged 2 miles for the week. I went to the gym this morning with the intentions of doing something other than run and then strength training. But when I got there the treadmill was calling my name. I felt a true longing for it as I hopped on the elliptical machine. So I told myself that I do want to run more this week so I should run and I can just warm up on the elliptical. The 5 minutes I spent on that machine were torture. I barely even finished my warm up before I was hopping off to find a treadmill that wasn't already taken or broken..... *eye roll* (I'll get into that later) So I got on the treadmill and I ran a mile and I wanted to quit at some point. I even considered only do half and then taking a break and walking more but I had to use a machine in the front row which meant everyone behind me was definitely watching me and timing me to see how long I ran.......... So of course I couldn't make a fool of myself. I ran the mile I wanted to die. It was hard. And then I moved on to the weights and just did a little bit.

The way I handle running is similar to how I live my life. Once I have a better idea of what that means I'll let you know and how to explain it I'll let you know.

♥

Sunday Project

2012-01-08T23:36:00.000-06:00

After lounging around for a good part of the day I decided to get up and do something productive.

Organize my closet.

Which led to destroying the rest of my room. First I had to take everything out of the closet. I had to take books off of this old shelf I had. Take the shelf apart and put it back together in a different way so I could use it for storage in the closet. So then I had to figure out where to put those books. I had to find a nice way to put everything back in the closet.

While cleaning the closet I realized I had an absurd amount of picture frames. Empty picture frames. At first I decided I was just going to have to fill them with pictures and hang them all over my walls. So I didn't make room for them in my newly organized closet. But until I fill them with pictures I have no where to put them. Anyway my room is still kind of a mess. I took pictures so I can show you but I'm still not sure it's organized enough.

The whole process kind of put me in a bad mood. Like I have too much stuff, I need to simplify! or Will I ever be able to afford my own place? Will I want to take all this stuff with me? And if not then why do I still keep it.

Well when I'm in a better mood about my room and my room is picked up I'll do the post with the pics.

I should also add that I spent a good amount of time trying to untangle my yarn. I have no idea how it got so mixed up.

♥

run log

2012-01-08T23:28:00.001-06:00

Ok so I was keeping track of my running all week so I could post it here. I logged a total of 3 miles, I'm hoping for more this week. Maybe I'll push to run more than every other day. Or just push to run more than a mile each time.

Monday: 1/2/12 1 mile

Tuesday: 1/3/12 rest day

Wednesday: 1/4/12 1 mile

Thursday: 1/5/12 rest day

Friday: 1/6/12 1 mile

Saturday: 1/7/12 rest day

Sunday: 1/8/12 rest day

random good things

2012-01-08T12:35:00.000-06:00

Some things to be happy about on this Sunday morning:

I slept til 10. That's not normal for me but instead of feeling guilty about it I'm going to be glad for it because apparently my body felt like it needed it.
It's nice and quiet. I know I often complain about being lonely but the truth is I really do love my alone time. Right now I'm alone and free to do whatever I want like watch spongebob or play mario galaxy on the wii in living room.
Nickelodeon plays back to back episodes of Spongebob for at least 2 hours on Sunday mornings.
Ever since my parents had the windows replaced in the house it has made it a million times easier and nice to just open the curtains and let the day light in, instead of turning on every light in the house. I love day light.
It's almost 12:30 and I'm still in my pajamas. Lounging on the couch next to the window. How nice is that?
I love when my friends post on their blogs. It kind of makes my day. Especially when they post early in the day about chocolate cake
coffee is good
so are eggo waffles with peanut butter spread on top
I feel good on this Sunday morning and that itself is something to be happy about.

♥

Cupcakes

2012-01-07T21:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I made these cupcakes to bring to game night. I ate two when I was done making them because I had to make sure they tasted good. Seriously, I know that sounds like a joke just so I can justify eating them but I really wanted to make sure they were ok. Who brings cupcakes to a get together without knowing if they're good. Anyway.... I didn't eat any at game night. Two was enough for me.

And after having several slices of delicious pizza, two beers, and some random snacking on the mixed nuts, mint m&ms and mint hershey kisses I told myself I was done. When I got home I was so exhausted and so full that I went to bed telling myself I was done. I woke up this morning with a terrible headache and was convinced it was from all the poison I put into my body yesterday and I would really limit my intake of sweets to weekends or birthdays. I was done. Maybe if I hadn't had so many sweets during the week then the sweets I had yesterday wouldn't have been a big deal. And I also decided there was no real point in drinking beer anymore. The pizza was delicious though. I haven't had pizza that good in a really long time. But anyway I was feeling physically terrible all day long and wishing I could go back to eating clean. Which ties in with the post I made earlier about wanting to complain except the only answer was to get a job.

I've spent my entire day alone feeling sick and wanting to detox. And lonely and bored. And wishing I was an extreme football fan so I could at least have something to do tonight. I watched a movie called Cashback. And since I didn't start watching How I Met Your Mother until recently I decided to start watching it on Netflix. I'm like halfway through season 1. And then I started feeling better around 6 and realized there was nothing for dinner in the house except soup but I had soup for lunch. And because there's a carjacker/kidnapper/thief going around my city at night picking up young women and making them drive to ATMs so he can take all their money I pretty much don't leave my house after dark anymore unless my only stop is a friend's house. So I couldn't leave to get any food and had to make up a meal using whole wheat pasta, canned tomato paste and canned diced tomatoes with jalapenos. I wasn't sure how it was gonna end up but it wasn't bad. Not fantastic. But not bad.

Unfortunately being alone on a Saturday and having to make something up for dinner kind of reminded me of some of my time in Seattle. Like when I was stuck living in an apartment with an ex. And then I thought about how I gained most of my weight in those 6 months and it was because of those days when there was no food in the kitchen and taking the bus to get groceries was such a daunting task and you could have almost any kind of food delivered. And the next thing you know you've eaten a lot of pasta or mac n cheese or ramen or you've had lots and lots of delicious thai food delivered and 60 extra pounds have attached themselves to your body.

But really the transportation thing wasn't that big of an issue. The issue was I was depressed and frustrated and maybe a little bit lonely. And without even knowing it I used comfort food to cope with things. And luckily now I can recognize this and I'm aware when the way I'm feeling now is similar to the way I felt a few years ago. So you would think that I would have learned something from all of this. And I have but sometimes emotions and spending too much time alone kind of over rule the things that make sense. Which is why after my dinner I decided I needed two of these sloppy frosted cupcakes. For no reason at all other than I really wanted a chocolate cupcake with peppermint frosting. I should have been ok with one but it was so good I had another.

Is it embarrassing to admit this to you? Yes. Is this why I'm not dropping pounds? Probably. Did my soul need 2 made from scratch chocolate cupcakes with store bought peppermint frosting? Yes, yes it did. Am I aware that maybe I sound like one of those people who always have an excuse, who always say tomorrow I'll start tomorrow? Yeah I'm aware. And do I want to say that's not me, I'm different? Yeah I do want to say that but I won't because it won't change anything. It doesn't change a thing.

♥

2012-01-07T12:47:00.000-06:00

I'm having one of those days when I'm feeling so much I'm almost speechless.

Or maybe I'm just tired.

I kind of want to complain about some things but I feel like I can't because the answer to all of my complaints is the same.... get a job.

What to do. What to do.

♥

Friday Morning Thoughts

2012-01-06T09:49:00.000-06:00

I don't really want to go to the gym today. I don't really want to run today. But the days when you don't want to do it are probably the days you need to go the most. So as soon as my breakfast digests a little I'll be on my way.
I had to sew the hole in my favorite workout pants instead of buying new ones or wearing the ones that make me feel like I look like a giant. I'm just hoping that my sewing skills are good enough to keep things intact for awhile. I just can't afford to buy new clothes or else I totally would.
Sugar needs to be taken away from me. Now.
For some reason all of our pots are dirty...well they're in the process of being washed in the dishwasher. I'm too lazy to take one out and wash it by hand so I tried making my oatmeal in the microwave. Yuck.
I'm sort of in a bad mood because people are telling me I should sink to the level of some of the other "photographers" around here and just run specials all the time. I should set up a background and have people come plop their kids in for about 15 minutes and later I'll give them a cd that contains 5 images............... I'm sorry, but did these friends of mine forget that I've already worked in a portrait studio in the mall and no longer wish to do anything remotely close to that?
I feel insulted. I feel like to the people around here being a photographer isn't a valid career choice. And at the same time, for some reason, everyone and their grandma is trying to start a photography business.
I'm pretty sure this was a big part of why I always wanted to be a product photographer. And still want to be a product photographer.
I do love taking pictures of kids and I may even enjoy shooting weddings a little bit but everyone is taking the fun out of it for me.
I love photography. I love the history of it. I love the science of it. I love the realness of it. I love film. I love processing it. I love spending hours in the dark room and the way the scent of the chemicals just kind of lingers.
I love grain for goodness sakes and I don't care what anyone else has to say about it!
I don't want to be one of those other people who offer mini sessions for every holiday just because they either want to make money or get a bunch of new clients. I don't want to be one of those other people who offer photography up like it doesn't matter. I don't want to be one of those people who end up devaluing photography. So potential clients see that services are being offered at a very very low price which means they will never understand why other people are charging more. Which means for myself and other people I know like me may never be able to make a living doing what we truly love to do. And it's so unfortunate.
I want photography to survive this world. And I know a few people who feel the same.
It's not just about pictures. They aren't just pictures. It's so much more than that.
I'm beginning to wonder if people like me are just going to have to go back to doing photography as a hobby rather than a job. Are we going to have to work jobs that we can't stand and then maybe never even have the time to do what we love.
I've tried working and being a photographer and it kind of doesn't work for me.
I just feel annoyed about the situation.
Yes I'm broke and I need the money.
But I feel like if I sell myself short. If I lower my standards then I'll be a total sell out. I'll be disrespecting myself and any other true lover of photography.
There was a time when a friend of mine told me she didn't think she could love anyone or anything more than she loves photography. Photography was the love of her life and I understood what she was saying back then but I understand it even more now.
Photography is something I want to fight for and I think I should. Especially since in my life I haven't come across too many things I thought were worth fighting for.
I wasn't sure where exactly this post was going to end up this morning, but here it is.

My name is Elizabeth and I'm a lover of light, grain, film, black & white photography, capturing bold and bright colors, the sound the shutter makes in my Canon AE-1, and f/1.8.

♥

Thursday Morning

2012-01-05T08:04:00.000-06:00

I've been socializing like every day this week. Aren't you proud?
However, I've spent too much money at Starbucks lately. *sigh*
There's really no where else to go for hang out time around here.
I'm very close to freaking out because my bills need to be paid soon and I'm kind of on the verge of being broke again.
I need to schedule an appointment or two.... or three..... or how about at least one for every weekend for the rest of the year? Sounds good to me, let's do it!
Why isn't my phone ringing yet? So for anyone reading this if you happen to know anyone in the south eastern Louisiana region and maybe some parts of Mississippi who might need pictures done please just send them to me. Thaaaanks!
These are the moments when I decide to start looking for a meaningless job somewhere because I feel the pressure of making payments. And the pressure of what other people may be thinking about me. I have to stop thinking about it or else I just might start hyperventilating.
I've been to the gym twice this week. Monday & Wednesday. And I ran both times but on Monday I decided to work in a little ab workout and yesterday I had trouble actually moving and sometimes breathing was difficult due to my very sore abs.
My friend just declared tomorrow to be another game night full of Cranium fun! I love game nights.
I have somewhere to be in an hour and I'm still in my glasses and pjs
Wish me luck. If I don't spend anymore money I have like 18 days to schedule an appointment. These are the moments when maybe I need to be a little more vocal and proactive. I'm on it.
I'm so broke right now that whenever someone decides to tell me how much money they spent on Christmas or their kid's bday party I want to smack them in the face and then throw up a little. Especially when these people don't really have any money to begin with and then complain later about being broke. And then when those people don't understand what I'm talking about and look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them my parents always have a budget when it comes to Christmas and birthdays and could never buy me a brand new camera I want to shake some sense into them.
It drives me insane. I'm not that great with money but I've never been one to really just use large amounts of it on whatever I want whenever I want.
Ok, gotta go. But I kind of feel like today is going to be good.

♥

Remember When?

2012-01-04T15:14:00.000-06:00

When all I had to do was hop on a bus and meet you downtown for some coffee or food or something. (What is the name of that Mexican restaurant on 2nd?) Or when I just had to walk a few blocks from my apartment to get to yours......

....yeah I miss it too.

A trip to Starbucks just isn't the same if you aren't with the right person.

♥

Weigh In Wednesday: The first for 2012

2012-01-04T07:44:00.000-06:00

This week: 181.6

Last weigh in: 182 something

Goal for next week: 179

♥

My Thoughts in the Morning

2012-01-03T09:38:00.000-06:00

Oatmeal, peanut butter, banana, coffee

Some things I would change about this breakfast:
1. I would have made the decision to get off my butt 20 minutes sooner and made steel cut oats instead of the 1 minute oats.
2. The peanut butter would be all natural- no hydrogenated oil
3. I would have been eating it in my dream home or dream apartment

Now about the picture itself:
It's straight from my camera. No editing.
But I really wanted to change the white balance a little bit to make it warmer.
But I've also been making a big deal about lighting these days and taking a picture of what I'm really seeing and feeling and having the picture look that way. Rather than taking a picture and changing the white balance either in my camera or later in photoshop. Changing the temperature of the light is probably a good thing to do if I'm shooting something for an ad or a magazine. But for the purpose of documenting life, some things should just be left alone. I hope this is making sense at least to my photog friends out there.

For example: If the room has an orange glow to it because of the lamp you have sitting in the corner why not take a picture of what the room looks like in that moment. It looks orange so let it be orange. Instead of trying to neutralize the light basically.

I don't know, I'm always thinking about this kind of stuff because I'm always trying to evaluate my photography skills. I don't want to be mistaken for someone who just went out and bought a camera without knowing anything and without taking the time to really learn anything. I mean we were all someone who just went out and bought a camera at one point but some of us take the time or the money or both to educate ourselves. And I have to exercise these things I learned in the past in order to stay on top of things. Shooting digitally makes it way too easy. And I know I've said things like this before. Even when shooting with the settings on completely manual, it's still too easy. And wanting/needing to touch every picture with some sort of photoshop tool is like a disease I picked up in one of my classes at the art institute. Seriously.

Anyway, my room does have a cool tone to it. A lot of it probably has to do with the colors of my walls and curtains as well as where the sun was located when I took this picture. I used to be really good at seeing light for what it was....and then I went to a school where they taught us the commercial side of photography. It's good to know both it really is. But forcing your brain to go back and forth can be hard sometimes. I love light, I always have and I think most photographers do. But if it's been awhile since you've taken the time and the brain power to actively acknowledge the light you're seeing and why you're seeing it that way you should totally take a moment to really see the light around you today.

♥

PS- This blog is really good at helping me procrastinate..... yikes

One Mile

2012-01-02T12:03:00.001-06:00

In the past I would have told you there's no way I can run a mile. I haven't worked out in months! But it's all a mental game, at least for me anyway. For whatever reason I just felt like I could never do it. I was too afraid of something. Maybe I was afraid of running out of breath or falling of the treadmill or looking like an idiot because I couldn't go for very long. But last year when I tried out the couch to 5k plan I made it to a mile without stopping. I think at one point I even made it to 2 miles. And then of course I started slacking off. Now whenever I get back to the gym after a break there's no confusion about which machine I'm going to hop on first. It's always the treadmill now. I love to run. I hate to run. I think it's like that for a lot of people. In the past I would have gotten on the treadmill and said ok I'll take it easy today and just run in increments. Or maybe just a quarter of a mile.... Or maybe I should just get on the elliptical machine. But I know myself better than that now. I know I can run a mile at least. It may be a little bit slow and it may be hard but I can do it. So I do.

To be honest I'm sure I could run more than a mile but this is where my new mental block is. 1 mile. It's better than having a mental block that lives on the couch though. So obviously I have a lot to work on physically and mentally. My run today wasn't perfect, there were times when I felt awkward. Like I couldn't get my stride right or the speed right or my posture right.... the list goes on. And then there were moments when I felt like maybe just maybe I was one of those people who look like they know what they're doing.

I just hate how red my face gets when I work out. No matter how controlled my breathing is or how much water I've had my face always gets so red I think people look at me like maybe I'm going to die. Sometimes it worries me because maybe it's a blood pressure thing.

Anyway, even though I couldn't get myself up on time this morning because I had trouble sleeping last night I still went to the gym. It was later than I wanted it to be so there were more people there. And unfortunately I had to wear my gray sweats instead of the black ones because right before I left my house I realized the black ones had a hole in them. That would have been terrible to discover while working out. The gray ones make my thighs look enormous....I never know where to buy good work out clothes and the nice ones are always so expensive. So if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

I feel like this post is losing it's focus and so am I so I'll end it here. For my friends who want to be healthier and haven't worked out yet today....... just go!

♥

Food

2012-01-01T18:58:00.001-06:00

Is anyone else all of a sudden feeling so incredibly full of all the food they've had to eat since Thanksgiving? Every year on the first my dad makes the same thing we had the year before. Pork chops, cabbage, black eyed peas and cornbread and sometimes he adds something else. Like tonight we had potatoes and corn. There's a meaning behind the food and I don't always remember the details but I'll try.

Eating the black eyed peas is supposed to bring you good luck for the new year.
The cabbage is for money.
The pork and the cornbread are to help you remember to be humble.

I'll have to ask my dad again just to make sure. But I never eat the cabbage which could possibly explain a lot.... Anyway I was eating my dinner and it was all very good (minus the cabbage of course) but it was almost painful to eat it because I'm so stuffed. And my portions were quite small. But even though I'm full I'm seriously craving another piece of cornbread. I'm trying hard to resist. But it's hard to resist a warm piece of cornbread sliced in half with some melted butter right in the middle.

But I am stuffed. I'm full. And the sight of food makes me want to roll my eyes and walk away. Like I'm so disgusted with food in general because of the way it's making me feel right now. But really the only one to blame is myself.

Anywho...I'm hitting the gym tomorrow, hopefully in the morning. If not in the morning then the next time possible as long as it's tomorrow.

♥

2012

2012-01-01T13:23:00.000-06:00

Just a quick post to say Happy New Year! I took a ton of pictures last night and I'm dying to go through them all but I'm soooo tired. So I just picked a couple of my immediate faves to share. I hope everyone had a safe and happy time last night.

♥

January Goals

2011-12-31T13:11:00.000-06:00

December recap: I didn't have any goals set for December. December was super busy for me and extremely exhausting.

I never make new year resolutions and if I do I don't call them that. I mean the closest thing I ever made to a new year's resolution was when I decided to try and lose weight in January of this year (2011) But it was just called a goal. A couple of people at work decided to set goals for themselves and theirs were to lose weight and I decided I might as well hop on the weight loss train. So I did. And even though I haven't reached my goal weight I definitely lost some. I'm like half way there, which is probably a healthy way to go about it.

Anyway I started this list of things I would like to accomplish in the month of January. But seeing how it is the new year and all I'm beginning to think that maybe one of my goals needs to be something complex. Like a goal where I'm required to work on something internally rather than just externally. If that makes any sense. I mean yes losing weight is an internal and external battle but there are definitely other things I need to work on. I mean have you see some of the things I've been writing about lately? Anyway I haven't figured out what that goal may be yet but for now I'll give you the things I put on my list. I hope that once I type them out I don't think of them as goals that were written down just to have something to write down. I hope that I really and truly feel as though they are valid and solid goals to have. Here they are:

Make new business cards.
Create a business plan. And by that I mean I need to seriously think about what it is I want and where I would like to be with my photography. It has to be clear. And it has to be written/typed out so I can look at it on a regular basis to make sure I'm doing whatever it is I need to do in order to get where I want/need to be.
Move my photography blog.
Be as proactive as I can be and make sure I'm booking photo sessions regularly. Stop the waiting around and just hoping someone will contact me.
Make it into the 170s. 176 would put me at a 30 pound weight loss. That would mean losing 6 pounds by the end of January, which is one and a half pounds a week... totally doable and totally healthy.
To help with the weight loss goal I have to cut out the sugar. Not completely but maybe limit it to weekends only or special occasions.
Run 3 miles.

These January goals are doable right?

♥

I'm a crazy person

2011-12-31T12:50:00.000-06:00

Please forgive me for my crazy crazy mood swings.
I'm feeling really good right now.
Excited even..... (me excited?)
It's almost a new year!
But today I feel like I have so many things I want to do.
I have some gifts I need to finish making that didn't get done in time for Christmas. And I really wish I could work on those while doing other stuff at the same time.
I want to work on my new business cards.
I want to work on my website.
I want to work on my photography blog.
I want to jump around.
I kind of actually really want to go to the gym and I might.
I want to untangle all of my yarn.
I'm not seeing this as a list of things that need to be done and I don't want to do them.
It's a list of things I really want to do I just don't know what to do first.
My list of goals for January is coming up next I think.

♥

Game Night

2011-12-31T10:13:00.001-06:00

I'm glad I was in a better mood yesterday when I left my house. I was on my way to a game night that my friend who just moved back here was hosting. The first game we played was a series of minute to win it games. It was so much fun. We picked teams and numbers randomly from a hat. This decided which team we were on and who we would compete against from the opposing team. I ended up picking the last number and having to go up against Jill. Jill, the one hosting game night. The one who picked out the games. The one who had been practicing!!! Totally unfair. If I were to win the game would be tied up and we'd do a tie breaker. If I were to lose then my team would lose the entire game. All the games were written on a slip of paper and drawn before each turn. We drew a game called Back Flip. You can see the rules for Back Flip by clicking the link below.

Minute to Win It - Games - Back Flip - NBC Site

I was given the chance to practice it for a minute. I got it but I was slow. I gave Jill the opportunity to be the first one up and she did it in 30 seconds.

Then it was my turn.

My time was 26 seconds. Cause I'm awesome. :o)

♥

Thank You

2011-12-30T16:10:00.001-06:00

If you read my blog earlier today you would know I wasn't in the best of moods. But my mood has changed since then and there are a few people I would like to thank. So I'm going to thank them in the order in which they made my day a little brighter.

1. Chelsea, thank you for reading my blog this morning and letting me know you would give me a hug. I felt your hug through the miles and space between us and it brought me to tears and it made me miss you so so SO much. Thank you for being awesome and thank you for knowing just the right time to send out a massive "air hug". I may not have people here who get me, but it's nice to be so bluntly reminded that there are in fact people who get me in this world.

2. Sarah. Sarah thank you for the tough love. Thank you for telling me I need to perk up. With some people that type of language would make me want to punch a person in the face. But with you it's different. I wasn't annoyed at all with you for saying it. I wasn't mad that you weren't going to let me be a pouty face. I was thankful for your words and your suggestions in what I could do to be more social. I appreciated it more than you might even know. Sometimes I just get so stuck in a cloud and all I need is for someone to clear it up a little with their point of view. I also appreciate that you told me to go work out. For some reason when you tell me to work out, I go. When other people tell me to work out, I don't go. I just think your words are very genuine and real and if you're going to put the effort in then so should I. So I went to the gym and I ran a mile. And yes it made me feel better. Just another reminder that there are people who love me and understand me in this world and I am not alone even if it feels like I am sometimes.

3. B, my silly goofy toddler of a niece. She and my sister stopped by while I was eating lunch before my trip to the gym. Her dimpled cheeks and cute as can be smile are healing. I love how she giggles and crinkles up her nose and squints her eyes and tells me I'm silly even though I just told her she needed to sit down and eat her lunch. I love the way she pretends. I love the way she says "ZeEeeeeE! you can't get me!" then looks at me with a huge grin and runs away. Thank you Bailee for being a kid who gives amazing hugs when I need them the most somehow you always know.

4. Lindsay. I've known Lindsay since I was like 5. We became pen pals at the age of 7 when my family moved away to Louisiana. We've been writing letters practically our entire lives. She got married on December 20th in Virginia and I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be one of her bridesmaids, but I just couldn't afford the plane ticket. I was devastated the day I realized there was no way I could scrape up the money to go. Today I got a package in the mail containing the favors from the wedding and a little post card. The post card said even though I couldn't be there they still wanted to include me. The post card was actually one of my own post cards that I have for sale over on Zazzle. I just haven't told anyone that I have a little shop because I was doing test orders to see the quality of the post cards. I sent her a post card a couple of months ago and I guess she saw the link on the back and decided to go check out my shop. A month ago all of a sudden I had a notice letting me know someone had bought like 30 of this one particular card but I had no way of knowing who it was. But it was exciting to know that my name was going to be mailed out. It turns out it was Lindsay who bought my post cards. She told me that they were going to use them as thank you cards to send out to people. I was completely blown away and felt so honored to be a part of her wedding in this way. It was an honor enough that she asked me to stand in her wedding and now this. I got super emotional and started crying again. Of course. So thank you Lindsay for being a constant source of friendship and love throughout my life. You are amazing and I appreciate you and our friendship more and more as the years go on. Your package came on the perfect day.

After opening the package from Lindsay is when I went to the gym And on my way there I was just thinking about how I really do have some amazing people in my life. And I hate how things can bring me down so much that I forget easily. I appreciate you all and I'm sorry if I don't show it enough. And I'm sorry if I'm a big fat baby too often. As some people in my life know, living here hasn't been easy. I moved to Seattle and when I came back 2.5 years later I found myself a little lost. And, with the exception of Eric, not too many people to call friends. I'm still struggling in the friend department but I think it's getting better. All the more reason why I need to be more social or at least put myself in places where I'm in contact with other human beings. I love all my friends who aren't here and I'm always wishing they were here. Or I was where they are. Anyway, I'm feeling much better now. And I just wanted to say thank you to the people who really helped me out today even if they had no idea they were doing it.

I love love love you all.

♥♥♥♥

I slept on it

2011-12-30T09:44:00.000-06:00

Maybe I really am antisocial.

Antisocial: unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people. (that's from dictionary.com)

Notice the word unable. Or maybe I'm just shy. Or maybe it was just the wrong mix of people for me.

I was invited to hang out with a friend and some of her friends who were in town for NYE. So I went to dinner and then we all went to her house to hang out. At dinner I was sitting in a weird spot of the table. To the left of me was one conversation and to the right of me was another. I could hear both which made it hard to focus on one. And neither of the topics were anything I could really have any input in. So I had to pick one to devote my attention to. And then when I did talk I just felt awkward. I mean I've always been a little bit shy or whatever but aren't I a little too old for this now? Or maybe it's just because I've basically spent the last 3 years being a hermit. This is embarrassing. I'm socially awkward. Or maybe I was just in a weird mood last night. I mean it took me forever to figure out what to wear. Not that I needed to be dressed up or anything but I got really depressed after trying one shirt after another multiple times. Maybe my confidence was just at a low. I don't know.

The plan was to hang out tonight for a game night and then I was invited to go out for dinner beforehand. A part of me wants to skip the dinner, not because of money but because of how awkward I am. And then the other part of me wants to say just go. Just go and be uncomfortable. I'm always going to be awkward if I don't put myself in these situations.

I really want to buy some new clothes but I can't. I can't spend the money. It's not even January yet and I'm worried about January's bills, which don't even need to be paid until the middle or the end of the month. Someone stop me before I have a major freak out moment.

I went to bed last night feeling sad and alone. I thought I would feel better in the morning. I thought I would sleep on it, sleep on those feelings. Sleep on the awkwardness. Sleep on my lack of confidence. Things would be better in the morning.

It's morning.

It's not better.

I need a hug.

♡

I love this song.

Train of Thought

2011-12-29T16:29:00.000-06:00

This pic is here just for the simple fact that I don't post enough pics these days. And because it was one of my favorite ones from when we went to see the lights. I have a friend who thinks multicolored lights do not belong on a Christmas tree or on anything that has to do with Christmas. I happen to believe that it's not Christmas unless your tree is covered in multicolored lights and an array of mismatched sometimes tacky ornaments. Anyway.....

I wish I knew where my brain was today. There was something short I wanted to post and then I was like "I need a picture!" So I went searching for this picture and after I added it I couldn't remember what my original post was supposed to be. But after sitting here and staring up at the ceiling for a minute I remembered.

I'm working on my list of goals for the month of January at least. Since I totally skipped out on December's goals.

Oh and just so you know, I'm aware that I didn't do a weigh in this week. I just feel like since I haven't actively been trying to lose weight then there's no reason for me to have an official weigh in. But in case you were wondering I did step on the scale late last night and it said 182.

Peace Out.

♥

Hesitation

2011-12-29T11:39:00.001-06:00

Hesitation-

Noun. 1. indecision in speech or action

2. a certain degree of unwillingness; "a reluctance to commit himself"

3. the act of pausing uncertainly

Hesitate-

Verb. 1. to hold back or be slow in acting; uncertain

2. to be unwilling or reluctant (to do something)

3. to stammer or pause in speaking

I got those definitions from www.thefreedictionary.com

I hesitate whenever someone contacts me about doing pictures that are out of the ordinary for me. And by out of the ordinary I mean pictures that don't involve taking portraits of a kid. I always say yes but it always scares the crap out of me. And I always pause for a moment before I respond to an email or make a phone call. And honestly it's not because I don't want to, it's because I'm scared and I have to pretend I'm not scared. And then I worry about how not responding quickly enough or in the right way could result in losing a potential client. A potential job. And potential money in my back account. I love taking pictures. And I may even be a little bit good at it. (Please don't take that statement the wrong way, it has taken me a long time to believe that I may actually be kind of good at what I do.) But I always worry. I'm always waiting for that day when someone calls me up and says they hated the pictures. And I'm sure that day will come one day. I think it probably happens to every one at least once, right? My main worry is that my equipment isn't good enough and some of my skills aren't at a level I would like them to be. I need to book this appointment. I think I'm just at a stage where everything just needs to be handled so carefully in order to avoid disaster. And at the same time I feel like I'm just constantly over thinking these things. One day it will all just come so naturally. The more I do it the "easier" it will get.

♥

Wa Wa Wa

2011-12-29T09:10:00.000-06:00

It's 8ish in the morning. I'm kind of annoyed with myself because I'm not able to get butt out of bed as early as I used to. I can't even get up early when I go to bed early.
I don't even feel like making a good breakfast.
I've eaten a lot of candy lately.
I can't get myself to the gym.
I just can't deal with the stares from people who will notice me and then realize I haven't been to the gym in months.
And yes I really do believe that there are at least a few people at the gym who are observant enough to notice me.
I want to run again.
I'm scared to run again.
I told myself if I didn't get back to the gym this week I have to go back in January. The first day in January that the gym is open, they may be closed on the 1st I have no idea.
Starting a gym routine in January may sound cliche but I might as well do it. After all, last January is when I decided to make some serious changes and by the time February hit I had lost 12 pounds.
I'll never understand why I quit doing things that I know are working. For example: obviously cutting out sugar made a difference. I dropped 6 pounds and people started commenting on how I looked like I lost weight.... even though I had lost like 20 pounds and they never said anything and I was stuck at that weight loss for months and then I lose 6 pounds and they're all trying to figure out what I'm doing to lose the weight. And it's not just other people's reactions, it's the fact that my jeans that were once too tight are super loose now. Even after they've been washed. And even after all of this I decide it's ok to start eating sweets again. Eating clean definitely worked, but I'm too broke for that now.
I need to drink more water. I think over the next few days I need to get back on track with drinking water all day long. I'll get started on that as soon as I'm done with my coffee........
I need to sign up for this weight loss thing Sarah told me about.
I had a horrible time trying to sleep last night. There are times when I am fully awake but somehow I'm asleep and my brain starts trying to dream about things. Or maybe that would be considered a hallucination? I don't know but sometimes I'll be lying in bed trying to go to sleep and I'm aware that I'm awake still and I'm aware of my physical presence in the world and I start dreaming. So I dreamt there was a disgusting spider about to crawl over my blanket and onto my face so I threw the blanket off of me and jumped up and that's when I realized it wasn't real. So I gave up on going to sleep at that time.
I couldn't shut my brain off before I went to bed. I was thinking about a movie I had just watched that I wasn't expecting to be as gory and stressful as it was. I was thinking about recent carjackings in my area. I was thinking about ways I could defend myself if I ever found myself being carjacked. I was thinking of ways to be safe if I decide to leave my house after dark. I was stressed the *beep* out thinking about these things. This is probably why I had such a rough time trying to sleep.
I stayed up for another hour. I turned off my alarm so it wouldn't go off this morning because I had a feeling my sleep would be horrible.
I finally sort of fell asleep. There was a lot of tossing and turning and having to actively make myself not think about anything. It was hard.
lately this song makes me want to get up and dance
If you ever have the opportunity you should see this movie:
You should also see this one:
That's probably enough videos for now.
I need to go do something productive now.

♥

Will Do- TV On The Radio

2011-12-28T16:35:00.000-06:00

A friend posted this song earlier today and I love it. The lyrics are perfect for me and things I've been experiencing lately. It's crazy sometimes how a song finds its way into your life and becomes the perfect soundtrack.

♥

A quick note

2011-12-22T16:01:00.000-06:00

I have some random things to blog about but I just don't have the time right now. Hopefully there will be some pictures involved. It's been such a long long week. More later...

♥

WIW on a Thursday

2011-12-22T07:52:00.000-06:00

last week: 180.8

this week. 182

I forgot to weigh yesterday so I figured it would be ok to do it today.

♥

Note To Self:

2011-12-19T20:13:00.002-06:00

Lay off the Christmas cookies.

Lights

2011-12-18T16:59:00.003-06:00

Lights. I just can't get enough of them.

♥♥♥

The version I have of this song is a little bit different from this video, but you can get the song for free from amazon right now. Just look under the MP3s and 25 for free section. 25 days of free holiday music.

Timing Is Everything

2011-12-16T22:07:00.002-06:00

A long time ago someone tried to explain to me how timing plays a huge role in relationships and whether or not it lasts or people get married or whatever. For example if you're dating someone for awhile and it doesn't work out for reasons like you're in two different places in life. You're on two different paths at the time. You want more and he can't give it to you right now or whatever. So you break up. And then next thing you know that person you broke up with is getting serious with or married to the next person they date. "Timing" supposedly. He wasn't ready for that kind of commitment when he was with you but now all of a sudden he is. How many people actually see it as timing rather than, "what the heck is wrong with me?" or "why not me?" Sometimes I think timing is just a sorry excuse. And sometimes I get it. But timing doesn't change the way you feel about a person does it? I mean just because the timing isn't right doesn't mean you just all of a sudden stop caring or that you never cared in the first place. I mean people fall in love with people who are just plain wrong for them all the time. Which is another topic completely. I mean if it's all about timing then where's the harm in waiting for someone. But then you wait and find out it was never timing it was just as simple as it wasn't meant to be. So, what do you do?

Time heals all wounds.

Timing does seem like everything right now.

Timing is important in relationships.

Timing is important when you tell a joke.

Timing is important when you're baking. Really important.

Timing is important when you're taking pictures.

Timing is important when you're trying to finish editing pictures.

Timing is important when you don't come up with an idea for Christmas gifts until you have less than 3 weeks to go.

And then you run out of time.

Timing is important when you run out of it.

I was in the Christmas spirit this afternoon. I hung up some paper snowflakes. I turned the lights on. I was ready to do some baking. I had Rudolph playing on the tv. I've been listening to Christmas music non stop for like 2 weeks.

And then I ran out of energy. And became a little annoyed. Annoyed because my timing and my sister's timing were not using the same clock. And we weren't on the same page and the cookies suffered because of it.

So now I sort of feel like some of my time has been wasted. On cookies that didn't turn out.

My room is literally a disaster. I just put all my laundry away and then had to wash more clothes and I have this horrible habit of not folding my clothes right away. So they all end up on my bed and then they get moved to my computer chair before I go to bed and they get moved around until I'm not too lazy to fold them or hang them up. My knitting supplies are everywhere. There is yarn everywhere and there's no way I'm going to finish my gifts in time. This saddens me and makes me feel like a horrible friend and Aunt. There are art supplies and scraps of paper where they shouldn't be.

I have SO much editing to do. I'm beginning to wonder if shooting events is really something I can do. I don't mind shooting them, but editing those shoots is just mind numbing for me sometimes. And maybe I would get my editing done if I wasn't wishing I could be doing holiday stuff. But instead of doing holiday stuff I sit here and try to get as much done as I can and by the end of the day I feel like I've done nothing but waste my time. And then I feel guilty for not being done faster. And then I'm sad because I didn't get any work done and I didn't get to do anything I wanted so what did I do?

I think I'm going to cry when Christmas is over. I just didn't have enough time.

♥

Ramble...Ramble...Blah Blah Blah

2011-12-14T21:38:00.000-06:00

Today at lunch I realized for the majority of the last 2 weeks my lunches consisted of nothing but soup. Except for Monday when I just had to have that cheese burger.
I'm debating whether or not I should post pics of myself in order to really see the progress I've made with losing weight.
I'll think about that....
In January of 2011 I weighed 206 lbs. And as of right now I am 180 lbs. That's 26 lbs lost people.
It's crazy how 26 lbs can seem like so much and so little at the same time.
My mind has been completely occupied for the last 2 weeks on matters of the heart... ugh
I can't stay focused.
I'm so restless right now all I want to do is go to bed.... it's only 9:30pm
There was definitely something I wanted to say here but I forgot what it was..... please see above where I said I can't stay focused.
Tomorrow I think I'll have to take my computer to the Bux drink some coffee and put a major dent in my editing.
I occasionally refer to Starbucks as "the Bux" or "Starbuccaneers"
Last week it was cold here and totally felt like Christmas type weather. Today I think it was in the 70s......... not so Christmas type weather.
My battery is about to die and I'm way to lazy to actually sit at my desk with the computer sooo I guess this is it for now.

♥

Ornament

2011-12-14T09:19:00.003-06:00

This my friends, is one of my most favorite favorite favorite ornaments. First of all.... I mean what's not to love about a tiny little photographer mouse dressed up like Santa? And second of all, HELLOOOO the little film canister!? I do understand however, that a roll of unprocessed film would never look like this. Anyway I'm pretty sure I was given this ornament while in high school before I had even decided I was going to major in photography. I really don't believe I was already in college when I got it. That and I'm also pretty sure that I got this ornament and at the same time my sister got one with a cute little mouse standing on a metronome, because she was so into music. Personal ornament giving at it's finest. Back when the ornaments were actually really cute and quirky and there literally was a perfect one for everyone.

So if I did get this when I was in high school I would like to know how many people in this world knew that I was going to be a photographer before I even knew. When I look back on it I guess it all makes perfect sense. I was that girl who always had a disposable camera around. I don't even know why I was so obsessed with having pictures, I hated being in the pictures. But all through junior high I had to have a camera for the last days of school. Junior high was the absolute worst so I would like to know why I was so into documenting those moments. But I did. Maybe I so desperately wanted to feel like those other girls who did have a lot of friends and who did have a lot of good memories to show for it later. I don't know. But now I like to use those pictures to remind myself every now and then where I came from and what I've been through in this life. Even in high school I had the camera. And I'm sure there were times when it wasn't disposable but some little cheap plastic 35mm camera. And I do remember being very young and having one of those long skinny rectangular cameras that holds 110 film. I'm pretty sure it was some crazy neon 80's color like green or turquoise or something. When I was in high school I used to take all my film to Winn Dixie to have it processed. I have this box full of pictures that never made it into the photo albums I made. I also still have the photo albums that I sometimes wipe the dust off to look through. I guess I just didn't pay attention to the fact that taking pictures was just something I loved to do. Thankfully though, when it came time to declare a major I just for some unknown to me reason chose photography. And then when I realized I was going to be an art major after picking photography I totally freaked out. Not because having a degree in art eventually became something that people joked about. But because I knew that art was a big deal and I was about to make a fool of myself in an art class when I knew absolutely nothing about it.

I'm glad my gut told me to pick photography. I'm glad it turned out to be a part of the art program. I'm glad my first art teacher was so tough and scary he made me cry on a regular basis. I'm glad I've been able to look back on that time and appreciate what he was trying to do for me. I'm glad I learned all about shooting black and white film and working in the dark room before learning anything about digital photography. I love the dark room. My heart literally aches sometimes because I miss it so much. I'm glad I didn't change my major to Psychology when I thought maybe being in the art program wasn't for me. I'm glad that my photography brought me to Seattle where I got a second degree and learned all about the commercial side of things and shooting not only digital but color as well. I also got to use a large format camera, another love of mine.

And here I am now, back in Louisiana officially trying to do the whole photography thing. If I ever forget that this is what I love to do or second guess whether or not I should be doing this I really just need to stop and think and remember. I need to remember that the world gave me my answer a long time ago.

I loved this ornament when I first got it. I've loved this ornament for years and years. And I love this ornament still.

♥

Weigh In Wednesday

2011-12-14T07:58:00.001-06:00

last week: I didn't weigh but the week before last it was 182.6

this week: 180.8

Don't ask me how I did it because it makes no sense to me. I'm lucky it didn't go up, I would have been ok if it had just stayed the same. This just motivates me to make better choices and get back on track so next time I have a loss I can feel like I actually deserve it.

♥

update #2

2011-12-13T12:05:00.002-06:00

I don't think it's heart burn.

I think it's heart ache.

Sometimes the decisions we have to make in life just suck........duh

♥

Comfort

2011-12-13T08:36:00.001-06:00

It's a have coffee now and ask questions/eat breakfast later kind of day. If you weren't aware, I kicked this nasty habit of drinking coffee first thing in the morning with no food in my stomach last month when I stopped with the sugar. It wasn't that hard to do and I was definitely feeling better after doing it for a whole month. But sometimes when you just need some comforting and you feel like the only person you're allowed to depend on right now is yourself a cup of coffee in one of your favorite mugs as soon as you wake up in the morning is necessary.

And I just realized after typing that last sentence, that depending on yourself even just for comfort is quite possibly what could lead to turning to food and maybe even coffee for comfort. Which then leads to a weight problem and a whole lot of other issues. Does anyone else now have a better understanding of why they can't lose weight or why they gained the weight in the first place? Cause I do......

♥

Update: If you're body has gotten used to not drinking coffee on an empty stomach and you decide to drink a cup of straight up black coffee before doing anything else, the result is severe heart burn. Or maybe I'm just dying. Lesson learned. Moving on.

Because Maybe.....

2011-12-12T22:49:00.000-06:00

....Just maybe I haven't posted enough today.

The lights in my room, they make me a little happy.

♥

Insight

2011-12-12T18:35:00.000-06:00

I'm learning that my family is capable of making me angry or sad enough to want to go on a candy binge. I'm so angry right now I want to binge sooo badly. But I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I'm feeling so out of control right now and I hate it. Someone save me.

♥

I had a moment...

2011-12-12T14:54:00.000-06:00

A I'm such a "fat girl" and I'm addicted to food moment. Sooooooooo I was out of the house today and totally craving a Mcdonald's cheeseburger. There's just something about the simple cheeseburger and when it's made right it has the perfect ketchup/pickle/tiny onion combination that's hard for me to resist. Usually it's the fries I'm after but today it was the cheeseburger. I was thinking about it for a long time. I was sitting there in my friend Jessica's living room thinking about how I could easily stop and get one on my way home. I was seriously struggling as I got into my car and was leaving the neighborhood. I could go left and completely avoid Mcdonald's or I could go right and make a quick stop and order a happy meal. My will power lost this battle and I took a right. Then I struggled with whether or not I should really spend my money on something so ridiculous. I may need these few bucks later. Someone else may need these few bucks. I got the happy meal. I know I'm going to feel guilty about it even though the cheeseburger was delicious. But I keep thinking that I may have just gained three pounds. And I haven't worked out. And what's wrong with me?! I ate it. It should be the last time I eat it for a long time. It's bad enough I didn't really do any work today. So I've set myself up to feel slightly horrible. 1. for eating the fast food. and 2. for dropping some stuff off to Jessica and then just sitting there for 2 hours talking when I already had a late start this morning because of the whole headache thing.

Ugh...tomorrow will be better. The rest of today will be better.

Wish me luck. I'm battling with myself these days and the important part of me doesn't always win.

♥

Headaches and Rambles

2011-12-12T09:13:00.000-06:00

Thank goodness for extra strength excedrin..... I woke up at 6am with the intentions of getting my day started early so I could jump back on that workout train, but my body more specifically my head had other plans. It was like I woke up and before I could even fully open my eyes I had been hit on the left side of my head with a baseball bat. The initial shock of the headache was bad but I thought it was bearable so I got out of bed around 6:45, hit the bathroom, grabbed a glass of water and not even 5 minutes later I was in so much pain I couldn't even sit up. I knew we didn't have any medicine that would work but then I remembered I had a little packet of excedrin in my purse. However, my stomach was way too empty and I was way too nauseous to feel like I could safely swallow some pills without wanting to throw them back up. So I closed my eyes and apparently slept for another hour. The pain was gone enough for me to get up and immediately take the excedrin I had and make myself some oatmeal. I'm also drinking coffee even though the little packet warns you that there's as much caffeine in the medicine as there is in a cup of coffee. So to limit your caffeine filled beverages..... but I think I'll be ok. My system can handle way more caffeine than a normal person should be able to handle. I can now at the least sit at my computer and not feel like my head will explode. My head still hurts a little bit. And to be honest I'm not sure if it's a migraine or just sinuses, after all I have been sick for about a week now. I'm just glad it wasn't one of those migraines with aura or whatever they're called. I only just discovered that a migraine with aura was even an actual thing. I just always thought there was something wrong with me that doctors couldn't figure out, I do wonder though why none of the doctors ever explained the whole migraine thing to me in the first place. I had to find out from my brother a few months ago that he had the same problem and his doctor told him what it was. Sometimes people ask me if I've done anything different in the last 24 hours that could maybe invoke the migraine so now I think about that when I'm hit hard. But really the only thing I've been doing differently lately is not eating sugar for a whole month and then doing things like making home made hot chocolate or just randomly grabbing a cookie or two when I know I don't even want it.

Let's just say I haven't been eating too well lately. But I haven't gone over board with the sweets and then again anything other than no sweets at all is going to feel like going over board. I think more than anything I've just been having sweet coffee drinks lately. Peppermint Mocha..... Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, and one my faves a Soy Caramel Latte. (I've been visiting Starbucks a lot lately) And then of course yesterday I made some Hot Chocolate from scratch with peppermint marshmallows on top. I don't know why I feel the need to capitalize my drink names, I just do. The hot chocolate was amazing, with it's 2 tablespoons of sugar in one cup...... I honestly have no idea if that's good or bad. But maybe next time I can try cutting the sugar in half and see how it goes. I mean I could even try using honey or something instead and dark chocolate to make it feel like a healthier version of HC. We'll see...anyway I'm rambling. I'll just do a list of the other things on my mind real quick.

I've been eating horribly lately
I want to put a limit on myself for sugar again
I forgot to weigh in last week.... kind of on purpose
I have issues with going back to the gym
I never set goals for this month
I have a lot of editing to do
I hope to get more photography jobs in the new year
There's only a couple of weeks left until Christmas...seriously?!
I have a lot of hats to knit for the munchkins in my family, since I'm not buying them toys this year.
I need to look into finding some health insurance that I can hopefully afford.
I'm paranoid about finding out there's something serious wrong with me but not being able to actually go to a doctor because I don't have insurance and I don't have money.
Ok I'll stop now.
This post was supposed to be just about my headache.
I'm feeling hopeful today.
My mood is getting better compared to the last few posts.
Thanks to those of you who read my sometimes ridiculous thoughts.

♥

Jealousy

2011-12-11T17:03:00.000-06:00

Sarah did a post on jealousy last week and after I read it I sat there trying to recall a time when I felt jealous. I don't think it's something I feel often but it's definitely something I've felt. And since I just felt it about 2 minutes ago I decided I would share.

I think I find myself with feelings of jealousy only during the times of my life when I'm feeling at an all time low. So low I'm bitter about everything. So maybe I'm mixing up bitter and jealousy or do they go hand in hand? I just got jealous because on one of the blogs I follow the about me section said something about "living in Germany with my Texan hubby" .... or something along those lines. And it made me mad to read it. First there's the whole husband thing that I'm jealous about. Not that I want a husband right now but I'm not even in a relationship that could potentially lead to having a husband. And then there's the being in Germany. I don't want to be in Germany but Germany could be anywhere. That person's Germany could be my Seattle or my some other place that could be better than this place. And some other place means dreams have been or are being followed and are coming true or in the process of being true. And I'm jealous. I don't even know this person whose blog I read but I'm jealous of her. And I'm jealous of other people I do know. People who have moved recently. People who are in relationships. Even the teenagers who were so annoyingly discussing their love lives at Starbucks the other day, but maybe I was annoyed because I'm even jealous of them. Jealous of people who have real jobs. Jealous of people who are more successful at photography. Jealous of people who have friends to hang out with. Jealous. Jealous and bitter, that's what I am. I'm at that point even when happy people annoy me just because they're happy and I'm bitter about it even though it's stupid.

The way I'm feeling right now is what I need to remember when I am in a good mood so I can always remember to fight to have the life I want. The way I feel right now is the very reason why I need to move. It's the very reason why I need to work on my resume so I can apply to better jobs. Better jobs out of state. And I need to stop worrying about what would happen if someone actually did hire me for a job out of state and just do it and hope that I could get some help from family if I needed it to move.

I never really get to stay jealous or bitter for long because my reasonable side always appears at some point. It appears and it tells me that a lot of the people I'm jealous of had to work hard for the things they have and I need to work hard too. But then I worry that I'm not working hard enough or maybe I'm working in the wrong direction. And then when I do feel like I'm working hard I wonder when is it going to be my turn for things to change in a big way and in a good way.

It annoys me sometimes that I can't even allow myself to be a pouty little brat for very long. Sometimes I just want to act like a baby and be babied but I know that's stupid. Maybe sometimes I'm even jealous of the people who are incapable of evaluating their own emotions and working them out. Those people just do whatever they want....

♥

It's late

2011-12-10T23:51:00.000-06:00

I'm warning you now. If you don't want to read a post about someone who's in a terrible mood then stop here and don't go any further.

There's nothing like receiving a text at 11pm that makes your heart beat a little faster. For one I don't get many texts that aren't work related or from my mom. Two, no one would be texting me this late anyway. I thought maybe, just maybe, it was my friend who has decided to cut me from his life for the past week. I wish I could stop thinking about it. I left my phone on the other side of the room because I never need it. So when I heard it go off my heart jumped and it was racing for the few seconds it took me to get out of my bed and walk over to the desk to see what it said and who it was from. Lucky for me it was some sort of spam text message about an ipad. Awesome. Awesomely disappointing. I know I'm being a big fat whiny baby but I'm feeling majorly alone these days. So I have a major case of the holiday blues or whatever you want to call it. And I feel totally lame. I'm sitting in my bed that's covered in laundry that I don't feel like putting away and I've been watching Christmas movies all night while knitting presents and drinking tea. And all I can think about is how none of this would be lame if I had someone to share it with. And I'm freaking out about what my future may possibly be like. I should be glad that my day was productive. I woke up and had a shoot this morning, then I spent the afternoon sitting in a Starbucks editing pictures, and I've finished one handmade gift......I should be satisfied but I'm not. Blah. Blah. Blah. I'm in a horrible mood, it's been awhile since I've felt this bad.

♡

Sleeping Beauty

2011-12-09T10:54:00.000-06:00

My all time favorite Disney Princess, Sleeping Beauty. I was a lot younger when I got this ornament but I'm not sure how old exactly. But it is one of my favorites because of the little fairies floating above her head....and they actually move.

♥

2011-12-08T23:21:00.001-06:00

*SIGH* I know we're only 8 days into the month, but I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit right now. Even with the not so normal chilly weather and the putting up of the tree tonight, and the silliness that is the elf on the shelf I'm still not feeling it. I just downloaded an album from Amazon for $5 with 100 classic Christmas songs....... I do love Christmas music and these classics are the kind I love the most. So I just added it to my Charlie Brown and Glee Christmas music. Hopefully it will help me get in the mood. Just like with Thanksgiving I know that some people think Christmas is just too commercial these days. And I will argue again that if you make it commercial it will be. I just feel like everyone in my family has their own families to be having traditions with and I'm home with my parents. And we're just going to be waiting for everyone to come over when they're ready.

There's no waking up early and playing board games with my sister at 3am while we wait for our parents to wake up. There's no waking up in the morning and lining up in the hallway while we wait for mom and dad to make sure Santa has been there and put everything where it should go. There's no picking one present on Christmas Eve to open to get us all hopeful and prepared for the morning. No family baking sessions in the kitchen. I mean I guess it's been like this for awhile but for some reason this year it's hitting me a little hard. I can't remember what my first Christmas back from Seattle was like. And last year was fun because my brother Ryan and his family decided to spend Christmas with us so it was my brother, his wife, their 2 kids, my sister and her daughter here plus me and my parents. And then later my other brother came over with his 3 kids. But this year not even my sister will be here until she decides to come over after their morning stuff is done. So I don't know maybe my parents and I will just wait until everyone gets here to have our Christmas. But we did that for Thanksgiving and in my opinion, that didn't turn out so well. At least not for me. I mean I was here all day and it didn't seem to matter. All that mattered was that everyone else was late and when they finally got here I was like chopped liver. So we'll see. I feel like Charlie Brown. I need involvement of some sort. I don't need to direct a Christmas play or anything but I need something. I miss gatherings with friends and secret santa type things and ugly Christmas sweater parties.

I'm sitting here thinking about all this stuff and feeling sad and then I hear a voice telling me "get over it". Which really frustrates me and saddens me. I still don't understand why those words are even an option for a response from someone I'm so close to. But with the way things are going I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever even have the chance to understand that.

Maybe tomorrow I'll do something Christmas like. Maybe I'll make some paper snow flakes and finish putting out decorations. Maybe I'll even do some Christmas shopping.... And still this all sounds so depressing knowing I'll be doing it alone. Maybe baking some cookies will help. Does anyone have any suggestions? Because all of my favorite things about Christmas aren't sounding so favoritey right now. Yes I said favoritey.....

Just a little info on the photos I posted. For one I feel like I don't post enough pics. But aside from that.... every year my parents buy us a personal ornament. Neither of these photos shows one of my personal ornaments but maybe I'll take some pics of those and post them throughout the month. The top one is this super tiny wreath with a santa on it that I made in the 3rd grade for my mom. It's one of my favorite things. My 3rd grade class was actually pretty awesome in the holiday party department. Our room moms' apparently had their stuff together. I don't even know if they were called room moms back then, but anyway. We made these ornaments. I remember getting a rudolph necklace to wear. I'm sure I made something else too. And then the bottom pic is of an ornament my parents got for my nephews Drake, Luke & Logan. It is also one of my favorite ornaments even though it's not mine. I always loved fisher price people when I was a kid and they looked like this except a little bit bigger. And now fisher price people look nothing like this and I'm not a huge fan.... but oh well.

I suppose that's enough of a post for tonight.

♥

The Worst

2011-12-06T08:35:00.000-06:00

I'm sick.

The End.

♥

Fail

2011-12-05T08:41:00.000-06:00

I set my alarm for 6am so I could get to gym by 8 and then home early enough to start working and not feel like half my day was gone. I decided I didn't want to get up so I just snoozed my alarm for like 2 hours. How horrible is that? So now I'm not going to the gym and I'm tired.

We're already 5 days into December and I don't have my goals planned out. I'm actually feeling discouraged seeing as how I didn't really accomplish any of my goals for November. So I'm kind of in that "what's the point?" kind of mood.

November's Goals:
1. no sugar
2. work on product portfolio
3. which means more personal shoots
4. run 2 miles without stopping
5. work on my resume
6. work on hand made gifts

My response to November's Goals:
1. I actually did this and it felt good. It was definitely hard at first but it got easier with time. I've had a few sweets here and there since I made it to my goal day which was Thanksgiving, but I haven't done any binging or over doing it. And honestly most of the things I tried weren't all that impressive so I just had to tell myself it wasn't worth it. I didn't like it so I shouldn't want it. So I'm still trying to be good.

2. I've done absolutely zero product shots.

3. I've done absolutely zero personal shoots.

4. I haven't worked out in probably 2 weeks.

5. What's a resume? .........j/k my resume is still a boring piece of paper that lists all my boring customer service jobs.

6. I actually have worked on a gift. I've finished one hat. It shouldn't have taken me all month to knit a hat for a child but it took me 3 times to get the size right. But I finally got it and now I can move on to the next and hopefully it will be easier.

See! November was full of fails. Today I've been fully awake and functioning for 30 minutes and it's already a fail too. And since I've sort of been awake since 6am I am now starving.

When I made my list of goals for November I tried to start a list for December. This is as far as I got.

December:
1. set up a plan of action for the new year.

........ When I look at it now I think it's kind of a sorry excuse for a goal. I mean it's a common sense goal that normal people don't need to remind themselves to do. Right? I don't know maybe I'm just in a bad mood. Maybe tomorrow I'll realize this is a good goal to have. An important goal to have. As far as what else I should accomplish this month, I have no idea. How about I try to whip something up right now.

1. get myself back in the gym at least once. because all it takes is one time and there will be no more snoozing my alarm for 2 hours.

Hmmm.....what else? I don't know

That's all I've got right now. I'm gonna go now because I'm feeling emo-ish and cranky. And I'm starving. But hopefully when I get back I'll be in a better mood.

♥

ugh!

2011-12-04T18:22:00.000-06:00

I'm so behind on my blogging. But I just haven't been feeling too well these days.
I hate when I act like a crazy person.
I've realized that holding in any sort of emotion can lead to a blow up. Not just anger. Eventually having to bottle it all up leads to an explosion and I have to keep my feelings bottled up for friendship's sake and now I'm acting crazy.
I'm not saying what I mean and then I look like a self absorbed idiot.
I've been having trouble eating for a few days now, which isn't good when you've scheduled yourself for two photog jobs in one day and with almost no time in between to breathe. And today every time I tried to eat a little something it made me sick to my stomach.
I'm sad.
I'm tired.
I'm having chest pains.
I can't eat.
I'm preparing myself for the worst.
I need to evaluate my own emotions.
I need to work out tomorrow.
I need to go to bed early tonight.
I need to wake up early tomorrow.
I have a lot of editing to do.
I feel like I'm too self absorbed sometimes.
Watching Spongebob helps me zone out.

♥

Connections

2011-12-01T19:05:00.001-06:00

Has anyone else ever felt so connected to a person that if you were to really sit down and tune into those uneasy feelings you get for no reason sometimes you would realize that you're having those feelings because that person you're connected to is going through something. Do you ever just know when something is wrong before they call you up and tell you. Do you ever feel physically ill when things aren't right between you and this person. Like if you got into a fight one night and then the next day you were just on the verge of throwing up all day long and the only thing that makes sense to you is that it's because things aren't right.

I got into an argument with a good friend of mine last night and I've been sick all day. This person and I have known each other for at least 10 years and we've always had a connection that could be felt even when we were apart. I don't really know how to explain it and I think it's something most people don't understand or even believe. But it's true. So we had an argument and then without really resolving anything we just went our separate ways. And we hardly ever argue, I think the last time we argued was over a year ago. So I spent the night trying to understand why things escalated and what could have been done differently or what could have been said. I always just feel like the root of most problems is an error in communication. So after going over it in my head all night and a little bit in the morning I sent my friend an email explaining myself and apologizing. I have no idea how the information in that email is going to be received. A phone call or something maybe would have been better but that's not always how we operate. And I just needed to get it out and I was worried that by the time a phone call happened I wouldn't have the opportunity to really say everything that was needed. I haven't heard anything back since I wrote, which is fine. Sometimes time is just needed. I was feeling terrible for the way I acted and I needed to apologize. So I did. But I've been feeling sick all day long just waiting to find out if we're ok. This happens every time something isn't right between us. I get nauseous. I get a headache. It's just awful. At least I'm hoping that's all this is and honestly just writing this out here has gotten me feeling a little bit better. Which makes me feel like it is because of this connection. Cause goodness knows I can NOT be seriously sick right now. I mean why else would I be avoiding public places and working a retail job for the holidays? Just kidding........sort of. My goal is to not catch some sort of ridiculous illness from sick Christmas shoppers.

Anyway, I'm glad I decided to post because I am feeling tons better. But I'd be even better if I could talk to my friend and we could work this out.

♥

6 cups

2011-11-30T13:55:00.000-06:00

If you read my blog yesterday you know I didn't exactly wake up in the best mood. And if you read it earlier this morning you know that I didn't go to sleep until like 2am and then woke up at 9am. I have a lot of stuff I need to get done. Like edit some bday party pics from last weekend and the weekend before. I also need to get some stuff together for my shoots this weekend. I also need to keep my nerves at bay. I'm freaking out.

This morning I was still feeling kind of the same way I was feeling yesterday morning especially since I'm pretty sure it was a big part of why I couldn't sleep last night. Trying to stay focused was hard. Is hard. Since I woke up "late" most of the coffee was already gone but I wasn't in the mood to use the machine that makes a single cup of coffee at a time. Sometimes the coffee from those pod things just isn't what I'm looking for. So we had this miniature bag of flavored coffee I decided to make in the regular coffee pot. It was eggnog flavored coffee which is actually pretty tasty. Anyway..... these days I'm usually only drinking 1 or 2 cups in the morning and maybe a cup in the afternoon. Today I had 6 cups of coffee and with all of that caffeine I somehow managed to make a huge dent in my editing and stay focused. However, I'm sure I will regret having 3 times as much coffee as usual at some point. I drank enough to the point of feeling fuzzy....which is very similar to how I feel when I've had just enough alcohol to drink. So I cut myself off from the coffee and honestly I didn't even realize I had had that much until it was "too late". And when I retraced my steps that's when I realized I had maybe gone too far. But it's amazing what some coffee can do for you. Especially when you thought coffee didn't do anything for you. Even though I've cut myself back on how much coffee I drink my body still must be used to those days when I literally drank cup after cup all freakin' day long. Or else it wouldn't take so many to just get me to wake up. It's almost 2pm now and for me it still feels like morning because I only just stopped with the coffee about an hour ago and because I woke up so late.

At this point in the day I'm usually close to a stopping point and feel as though I've accomplished enough. But today I don't feel like I've accomplished enough at all. So I guess after I help the kids with their homework I'll be back at my desk editing.... but I really need to go to the store. It's probably going to be a late night. Again. Except this time it will be because I'm working.

♥

WIW

2011-11-30T09:48:00.000-06:00

Last Week: 183.6
This Week: 182.6

Apparently this is my new "stuck" zone. It doesn't help that I haven't been working out and it doesn't help that I've been slacking on my meal times. And it also doesn't help that I was up until 2am last night because I couldn't sleep so I slept til 9am this morning. I had plans to get up at 6am so I could eat breakfast and get to the gym before the mid morning crowd got there. I don't even feel that great right now, I seriously hope I'm not getting sick. I really just want to go back to bed.

♥

After rereading this to check for any errors I realize how ridiculous it may sound to others that I'm complaining about 9am being a late time to wake up. For me it's late, about 2 hours late. If I don't get my day started at a certain time then I just feel like I'm off track.

To Be Or Not To Be

2011-11-29T09:32:00.000-06:00

I'm having trouble finding a way to explain how I feel this morning. So I guess I'll just type it out until it makes sense. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep all day. I want to be on a vacation. And I'm going to close my eyes and pretend I'm invisible and that no one can hear me when I say this.... *big gulp/cringe* I......want.....to...be....in........a..................... relationship................... or something............ I don't know maybe I'm just super lonely right now. Most days I'm ok. But ugh... it would be nice to cuddle every now and then. Especially when it's cold outside. And especially when we're having a beautiful Seattle morning right here in Louisiana. Gray skies, chilly, maybe a threat of rain. It's not like that today but it totally was yesterday. And how nice would it be to wake up and not feel alone? Maybe I've just temporarily lost my mind. Or is it possible I've forgotten how much I really really like having my own space and no one else in it? Am I being a typical girl right now or is this just human nature? Whatever it is, I am it. I was feeling it last night and I'm feeling it this morning. I don't want to work on anything. I'm stressing about the shoots I have this weekend with new people. I'm stressing over the fact that I just sent out the disc with all the wedding images on it. I'm freaking out about going back to the gym. I'm freaking out. Maybe this is why I feel like I want to be with someone even though I know better than that. Even though I know I am in no situation to be dating anyone, nor do I really want to deal with all that nonsense that could come with dating.... at least not right now. But maybe there's a part of me who thinks it would be so much easier to just settle with someone and be completely consumed by them and a relationship that I don't have to worry about these other things that freak me out. You know like most "normal" people who get into a relationship and then lose themselves in it and get carried away. Why can't I be "normal" for once?

Oh yeah...... because that would be a disaster! I kind of just feel like pouting about it now. Because I know the only thing for me to do is to tell myself to just get over it. I'm scared, so what. I can't let this nervousness get the best of me. I have to suck it up and do what I need to do and do it well. One day I can be with someone right? But it has to be for the right reasons and not because I woke up one day scared to death about the fact that my life could actually be headed in the right direction now. And not because I'm being a typical girl who needs a hug and a kiss and maybe a little hand holding. I know deep deep deep down there is still that girl who wants it all. Who wants to meet someone and live happily ever after................ did I REALLY just say that? barforama........ Most of the time I believe I can live without being married and I don't even understand marriage half the time. And the more time I spend alone the more time I like to be alone. And the more time I spend alone the more and more I can understand the appeal of settling for someone. And the more time I spend alone the more I realize I have a lot to figure out before I can be with anyone. And the more time I spend alone the more I understand how important it is for me to be independent and my own person and how important it is to remain that person when or if I ever do meet someone I can be with. Ugh.

This feeling probably won't go away fast enough so working will be tough today. Can someone just send me a hug? Maybe that will be good enough to get me going. The truth is if I all of a sudden were to find myself dating someone....because you know it happens all of a sudden like that................. if I found myself in that situation I would be comforted and happy at first and then I would probably freak out about how I'm scared I'm going to lose myself and then next thing you know I'm that girl. That girl who is afraid of commitment or that girl that just leads guys on or maybe they would just call me a not so nice name. I know a relationship isn't what I want right now. But maybe what I want is to be in a place where I do want a relationship and I won't get to that place if I don't get off this blog right now and get some sort of work done.

♥

The hugs would still be nice though.

Hellooo!

2011-11-28T13:31:00.001-06:00

In this moment right now.........I'm in a ~~good~~ great mood! Let me tell you why! I have a coat I bought when I was living in Seattle and it fit me when I bought it. However, the coat gradually got tighter and tighter and for the last couple of years I haven't been able to wear it. It was so tight I could barely get it on or off without help and when I did have it on I couldn't even move well enough to do something simple like drive my car. And it was so tight on my arms I felt like I looked like a stuffed sausage link. And embarrassingly I admit that I tore some of the inner lining trying to wear it once. So I stopped wearing it and almost gave it to my skinny minnie sister but I didn't. Today it's too cold for just a sweater/cardigan but not cold enough for a giant coat so I needed my little coat that is too tight. So I decided to try it on with the hopes that I wouldn't ruin my day by doing so. And what do you know?! It slid on so easily! I can move my arms! I can pick up my purse without looking like my arms are broken and don't bend! I can button it! I can take it off without getting stuck! I could probably lose a couple of more inches in order to be completely comfortable but still. I was excited. So I wore my little coat while running some errands this morning. And while I wore my little coat my jeans kept falling down....because they are too big now. I may even actually fit in the next size down instead of being stuck in between! But I'm not brave enough to go to the store and try pants on yet. I need help when it comes to shopping for clothes anyway and I need money. I can't spend any money on clothes right now unless I'm buying them for work purposes. For example, I had to buy some clothes to wear to the wedding I shot a couple of weeks ago. When I do decide to buy new clothes my goal is to buy things that are nice and not just t-shirts because I get overwhelmed when I shop and give up. And I'm going to be more conscious of sales racks and what not. Anyway I decided that since we all are so quick to share when we have a "fat" day it's important that we also share when we have a "skinny" day. It had to be the sugar I gave up for almost a month.

♥

Sugar Update

2011-11-25T08:03:00.002-06:00

Yesterday while I was cooking I decided to eat a piece of chocolate. It was just one of those super mini milky ways we had left over from Halloween candy.....I wasn't impressed with it. Even though two months ago eating one of them would have led to eating like 5 more. It was nice to know I could take it or leave it. And at the same time I had some small feelings of guilt over eating it. Later I had a tiny piece of pumpkin pie with some cool whip on top. (Unfortunately I can't say "cool whip" without thinking of an episode of Family Guy.....thanks to the guy I dated in Seattle I've seen like every episode.) The piece really was tiny and I thought about getting another piece of pie except mince meat instead of pumpkin but I passed. I told myself the pie would be there tomorrow and that there would be another occasion where I could have pie. This way of thinking I picked up from another blog. A blog I only started reading last month I think because Sarah was talking about it. But you can check it out here, One Twenty Five She did a post yesterday that had a little something to do with eating on Thanksgiving. I like her blog, I mean you can tell she's a real person and I like that. I aslo had wine yesterday..... this may be a stupid question but there's sugar in wine right? I didn't really think about that until I was on my 4th glass of it. Yeah I had 4 glasses of wine, it was probably the most alcohol I've had in months....maybe even all year. But at the same time I ended the night not really feeling like I had any alcohol at all. Maybe I can't get drunk off wine, not that I was trying to or anything. I do have a bit of a headache though which is either from the wine or just my head being typical. So that's all the sugar I had... oh and I did have some sweet potatoes, the kind made with brown sugar and marshmallows on top. When I add it all up it seems kind of bad but after each bit of sweetness I didn't really feel myself falling back into an addiction. I don't feel myself craving anything right now. I think what it will come down to one day is making a choice. Like if I don't feel like cooking breakfast and decide to eat the cinnamon rolls someone bought instead. And I don't even like cinnamon rolls all that much, but that's how it would start most likely. It's all about making choices and staying in control to the best of my ability.

I hope everyone had a great day yesterday doing whatever it is that makes it good for you. Watching football or just hanging out with people you like or shopping..... And for those of you who have to work today in an environment that involves cranky customers I wish I had something encouraging to say but I know what it's like to be where you are and there was never anything that anyone could say that didn't make me want to punch them in the face. And I hope I never forget what it feels like because it makes me appreciate some things more but I also hope I never really have to work a job like that again anytime soon or ever. Photography photography photography....I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

My night didn't end as well as I would have liked. Sometimes people just know exactly what to do to make me feel as though my presence isn't appreciated and on Thanksgiving of all days. Oh well, I should never be surprised by these things.

My nephew's 2nd bday is today and tomorrow he's having a party, a Spongebob themed party! My favorite.

♥

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T13:16:00.000-06:00

I'm going to give you a list of things I'm thankful for.

But before I do that let me just say something. I know some people think the holidays are just way too commercial and superficial and annoying. And maybe that's true....but only if you let it be true for you. I happen to love this time of year, I always have. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite and I know it's important to be thankful throughout the year rather than just one day. I am thankful throughout the year but I think it's good that we have one day where we can all be together and be thankful together rather than alone in those rushed moments while getting ready for work or in those sleepy moments before drifting off to sleep. Of course the holidays and what they mean change as we get older. When I was a kid everything just felt magical and now sometimes I find myself wishing for that magic. I love my family of course but there are times when I feel like they are just going through the motions because they feel like they're supposed to rather than really just enjoying the holiday and what it could mean. I try to keep this from happening by showing my enthusiasm for things like we should cook together rather than separately. It rarely ever works. I mean can you imagine me being enthusiastic? haha. I'm glad I can be home for the holidays to be with my family. But I also miss my family away from family. You know, the family we choose as we go through life. The family made up of friends who get us and understand us in ways no one else can. The Thanksgiving dinners I had with friends in Seattle are some of my best Thanksgiving memories ever. I miss those people and those special times more than anything right now.

The things I am thankful for right now in this moment:

I am thankful that my photography business has picked up in the last few months of this year.
I am thankful for the possibilities that lie ahead.
I am thankful for my 5 nephews and 1 niece.
I am thankful for the friends I have near and far that encourage and support me.
I am thankful that my parents let me live in their house even though I'm practically 30.
I am thankful that my dad helps me pay for the repairs my car needs on occasion.
I am thankful to be alive.
I am thankful that I can run.
I am thankful for so many things

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends! I hope you have a wonderful day and spend with the ones you love.

♥

12am

2011-11-23T23:20:00.000-06:00

I'm tempted to stay up and wait it out for the next 45 minutes so I can stuff my face with chocolate since it will technically be Thanksgiving day. Just kidding....................... sort of. Even though I'm allowed to let sweets back into my life tomorrow I'm hoping I will not magically lose all self control.

I feel the need to send some love out into the world right now. So that's what I'm going to do. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I hope the world gets the message. Goodnight!

♥

Weigh in Wednesday

2011-11-23T07:57:00.001-06:00

My annoying Aunt Flo insisted that she get on the scale with me this morning. Ugh... Let's just hope that's all it is.

Last Week: 182.4
This Week: 183.6

Monday

2011-11-21T07:51:00.000-06:00

I have some things I need to post! Well I started like 2 other posts last week/over the weekend and had to stop in the middle. But I just don't have the time to go into details these days. I have a lot to do. And unfortunately I haven't really kept up with my monthly goals...except for the sugar. I'm still going strong and can't wait for Thursday to roll around! The end of the month has gotten here so quickly. Well I'll be back later to take the time to really let my thoughts out. Right now I'm going to help my friend Jill do some unpacking!!!! She just moved back from California and I'm so excited. And then later I have to finish up my editing from the wedding! Yikes.

♥

Peace on Earth

2011-11-17T10:16:00.000-06:00

Without going into details I would like to say, no matter how cheesy this sounds, that I really do wish for Peace on Earth.

My heart is hurting today for reasons that have nothing to do with me directly but for reasons that have everything to do with the fact that the world is full of hurt, pain, hate and sadness.

"It is the set of the sails, not the direction of the wind that determines which way we will go."

♥

Weigh in Wednesday

2011-11-16T07:59:00.000-06:00

last week: 184.4
this week: 182.4

I almost didn't weigh myself this morning because I was feeling like I had gained weight. And then when I stepped off the scale I thought to myself that the numbers hadn't budged. And then when I checked last week's weight I was surprised to see that I did in fact lost another 2 pounds. But a part of me wants to go weigh again just to make sure. I think I'm ok with losing a couple pounds a week.

♥

Note To Self:

2011-11-15T12:23:00.000-06:00

Stop looking at the work of wedding photographers during the breaks I take from editing my own work. The result will only be my feeling like a complete failure. We live and we learn.

Of course I'm going to pick my own images apart, it's only natural. Sometimes I feel as though what the client thinks makes good photography and what they I have in mind shows more in the photos than my personal style. And then everything is all confusing. My style and what they want is hardly ever the same it seems. But one day it will all fall together, right?

♥

Sex and the City

2011-11-14T09:24:00.000-06:00

I've recently developed an obsession for the show Sex and the City. I never watched this show when it was actually on, I didn't even understand why everyone was watching it. But one night not too long ago when I was up late I saw that they were showing reruns on the style channel so I decided to watch an episode. And then I watched another...and another and another. I was hooked. I know I've missed some episodes but I've seen enough to know what's been going on and I've definitely missed the very first few episodes so I'm not quite sure how it all started. But I do know how it ended, at least as far as the series goes. I've never seen the movies....

That is until now. I decided to turn the tv on while eating my breakfast, which is something I never do. I usually don't watch tv until evening time rolls around but my body just didn't feel like sitting at my desk and since I can't open the curtains today because of all the work being done on the house I wasn't in the mood to sit in complete silence and dark. I hate artificial light...but that's another story.

So I sit in my bed with my oatmeal in hand and I try to find something good to watch at 8:30 in the morning. I check to see if Sex and the City happens to be on because I really never know when it comes on I always just happen to find it. It wasn't on. I scrolled down a little more and there it was. Sex and the City...... the movie. Unfortunately there's only an hour left to it so I've missed most of it. But I feel like I just have to watch it and I can start my editing at 10 instead. That should be ok, right? I'm typing on commercials. And now I'm going to be searching and searching for the time when this movie is on again...or maybe it's on netflix? I'll have to look into it.

I'm obsessed.

I just felt like I needed to let everyone know.

♥

yawn

2011-11-13T23:27:00.000-06:00

I'm so so sleepy....which means I should probably get to bed but before I do so I have something to say.

It's been 13 days of no sugar. Do you have any idea how hard that is for someone like me? I've been feeling quite a bit of stress and not once did I reach for a piece of candy even though I really wanted to. The temptation hasn't actually been all that bad and the desire to have some sweets hasn't been too great either, which is nice. But every now and then I find myself just wanting something chocolatey and caramelly and I always resist. Today, however, the craving was kind of bad I almost told myself that I could have a mini twix and it would be ok. That I wouldn't disappoint anyone and that if I confessed to someone that I really wanted some candy they would tell me to eat it. But the person I would disappoint is myself. I wouldn't be ok with it. I'm proud of myself for being around cake twice this week and I didn't even care about it. I wasn't dying to have a piece of it. The urges are still there and always will be which is why I can't ban myself from sweets for life or else one day I'll go into a complete binge fest. I only have 10 more days to go and I'm good. And I hope that I can trust myself not to over do it on Thanksgiving when it comes to pie. I'm also hoping that if I choose to have a piece of candy that choice won't open up the flood gates to my addiction and put me all the way back at square one.

That's all I guess.

♥

Note To Self:

2011-11-13T09:07:00.000-06:00

Work on my core system aka: my abs.

I'm sure it would make standing for 8 hours a little more bearable. Aside from the physical pain I'm in I think the wedding went well.

♥

It's so loud

2011-11-12T10:34:00.000-06:00

Even though my nervousness has calmed down significantly I am getting anxious with every hour that passes. I've been up since about 7am, I've organized and cleaned out my camera bag, I've gone over my notes on the flash. In my mind I've gone over what I think will be the order of events. I'm just about to go over all the key points that need to be photographed but honestly the more I think about it the more nervous I get. I've been in and been to enough weddings to know what's important so I'm trying not to really stress about it.

We're having the siding replaced on our house and for me it's kind of an inconvenient time. All the banging is killing me and making it hard for me to feel comfortable doing anything in the house. Even with the curtains closed. With the siding down there's only a very very thin wall that could accidentally be hammered through at any moment and it could so conveniently happen while I'm getting dressed or taking a shower....... I mean I already experienced the guys showing up without my knowing and I had the curtains open just a little and I saw someone trying to peer in from a distance but trying to play it off as if they just looked over here by chance. Right. I need my personal space and I hate when I feel like it's being invaded. And right now with the outer walls of the house being torn off I feel as though my space is being invaded. There are people in my bubble. I know this may sound a little bit ridiculous but I really needed to have some peace and quiet this morning so I can just be relaxed.

It's 10:30.....in about 30 minutes I'm going to shower. And then about 2 hours later I'll be leaving my house with camera in hand. I was thinking about doing a little video of myself talking about this before I leave and posting it instead of writing but I don't know if I have the guts to do a video post.

I totally just lost my train of thought. Be back later.......

♥

Get Over It? Rainboots

2011-11-11T08:44:00.002-06:00

Confidence (according to Wikipedia) - Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself. Self confidence relates to self assuredness in one's personal judgement, ability, power, etc.

Self-confidence (Wikipedia) - Self confidence does not necessarily imply 'self-belief' or a belief in one's ability to succeed. For instance, one may be inept at a particular sport or activity, but remain 'confident' in one's demeanor, simply because one does not place a great deal of emphasis on the outcome of the activity. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more 'self confident' because one is worrying far less about failure or the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable. Belief in one's abilities to perform an activity comes through successful experience and may add to, or consolidate, a general sense of self confidence.

In case you didn't know/haven't noticed, I'm insecure. Like big time and about a lot of things. Sometimes I'm so insecure that people think the only way to snap me out of it is to simply say "get over it". There's a lot of stuff I have to get over then.

I'm shooting a wedding tomorrow, my first wedding that doesn't consist of 50 people or less. I'm nervous about a lot of things. I've thought of all the technical things that could possibly go wrong and are out of my control. And I've thought of the things that are in my control like keeping extra batteries on hand. I've obsessed over how I'm going to look vs. will I be comfortable enough to do my job. I've obsessed over using the flash and been going through it in my head over and over again. I've gone over different lighting scenarios and my camera settings. Aperture and shutter speed and ISO.....yes, all of those things that just come naturally to me when I'm in the backyard taking pictures of the leaves. All of those things I can adjust quickly without too much thought while chasing a 1 year old around the park. All of those things I'm confident I know when no one else is watching. I've gone over everything and yet I feel like I've gone over nothing. And I've gone over how I'm going to interact with people, how I'm going to make sure everyone is standing where they need to stand and doing what they need to do in order to insure the best photos without my sounding too bossy. I'm aware of the fact that I come off a little bit cold and unfriendly, and perhaps this is where my lack of confidence stems from sometimes. I'm worried.

And at the very same time, I know I can do this and I know I can do it well. It may not be perfect. But as I was reminded last night everyone has to start somewhere. All the other photographers whose work I've been going through they didn't just all of a sudden have hundreds of weddings under their belts. They had a first one too. So I keep trying to tell myself things like relax, pretend it's not something you're getting paid for, pretend it's just another day and you're just doing what you love. I have to tell myself I am a photographer. I know how to do this. I understand light. I understand shutter speed. I understand what f/1.8 looks like compared to f/11. I know.

In this moment right now I would like to know what happened to the girl who sat in a class room in Seattle and told the teacher that I would be doing a photo essay on a pair of rain boots and that I would succeed. I would like to know where that person is right now. That girl who sounded a little bit crazy because every one else was going to most likely do a story about a person. That girl who had never been more confident in her life that she was going to make it work and do it well because the teacher and everyone else had doubts. That girl who when asked what grade she deserved said she deserved an A. I'm trying to channel that girl right now. I either got an A- or a B on that assignment, I can't remember for sure. All I can remember is how I felt and the reactions I received from other people in my class and the look on my teacher's face when he saw what I had done. I don't want to ruin this by saying when I look back on it now I wonder how good it really was and if maybe people thought I was being ridiculous, but sometimes I do look back on it and think that. But mostly I look back on it and I can just feel everything I was feeling that day and I'm not sure I've ever been more confident in my life than I was at that moment. Just thinking about it makes me feel good and I'm already in a better mood. And I'm not going to sit here and find ways to compare and contrast the two situations because that is what I would typically do. I'm going to sit here and be glad. And I'm going to run these words through my head:

I am a photographer.
I can do this.
I will do this.
Rain boots.
Rain boots.
Rain boots.
I am good at what I do.
I can do this.

:o) I do believe I just talked myself out of a depression/panic attack. And you've witnessed it all. My posts usually begin with just an idea of where to start and then end up somewhere else. Awesome.

♥

Freaking Out

2011-11-10T19:02:00.000-06:00

I am freaking out. I'm so nervous I can barely breathe right now and most definitely can not sit still. If I don't calm down I will put myself in a panic attack. More on this later.......................................................

♥

just a random rant

2011-11-09T09:20:00.001-06:00

There are at least 30 reason why I don't like to shop for clothes. Those 30 reasons are all pounds that I need to get rid of. And on top of that I just have a hard time knowing what looks good or what's stylish. I mean I can stare at magazines and just be in love with outfits but once I get to the store I'm like.... what am I supposed to do here? Or maybe there's just a disconnect because for one I can't fit in the clothes I want to fit in and two I usually have zero money to spend. So I have to pick something less nice. I'm at that point in my life when I want to actually feel more like a grown up and look like a grown up. Just more polished and put together and less..... frumpy? Or is it even possible to dress nicer here with this weather we have? I don't know. Yesterday Eric (hi Eric!) made a comment about how he does all these things for himself like he works a job and he pays his bills etc. etc. but when is he going to start feeling like an adult? And I totally understood what he was saying and he's not even as old as I am. Nothing about my life right now screams adult or grown woman. But it does scream starving artist. I always get confused when I see a movie or tv show that has a struggling writer or artist type person who doesn't have a job and spends their time trying to do what they love and somehow they still have the money to rent an apartment. Does this confuse anyone else? Anyway I've never really been into fashion or style really so I never know what my style is and I stress about things like do I look like a little kid when I braid my hair? Yesterday I was having an amazingly good day for no reason other than that I was being productive and then I had to go shopping for something to wear to the wedding I'm shooting on Saturday. Yikes. In my mind I can visualize this person I want to be and look like but when I look in the mirror and my wallet I'm like oh.... So anyway I went shopping with the little spending money that I have and spent a lot of time digging in sales racks. I finally decided to go with black pants...and I don't think black pants can really ever be found on a sales or clearance rack because they just seem to be one of those things that are always in demand. But I don't know how I feel about the pants. I don't want to feel like I'm going to work at Starbucks or the portrait studio again or the bookstore. All places where black pants were basically required. I bought the pants, they were on sale but not as much on sale as I would have liked. But on the bright side they were a smaller size than the last pair I had to buy and they're still a little big but of course the next size down was too small. So then I was off to find a nice/pretty/cute/classy kind of top...................................... I never thought finding a shirt would be difficult for me but this time it was. It's usually the pants I have issues with but since I've basically accepted the fact that I have and will always have a big booty finding pants these days isn't as tough. But a shirt? Really?! Ugh...so many complications. In my mind I'm not that large on top I mean you can practically see my rib cage and I have small boobs...they're shrinking as we speak, that's how small they are. So those parts of my body fit in one size and then my arms fit in 2 sizes bigger, what's up with that? I mean I know I'm still a little on the chubby side and I know my arms don't look like they're made of twigs but is this really necessary? I didn't think they were that big and I've been thinking lately that they've actually gotten smaller maybe even a little more toned and less flabby. So the result is a shirt that doesn't exist. If I get the shirt that fits the main part of my body then I can barely move my arms and they look like stuffed sausages. If I get a shirt that fits my arms then the rest of my body is swallowed whole. I thought about getting a sleeveless shirt.... and wearing a cardigan or something but sometimes cardigans just get in the way. So my really great day had turned into a really exhausting I feel awful about myself kind of day. I finally went home with nothing but a pair of pants. And now I'm going to head out to the mall and try the stores I haven't tried and see what I can find.

1. I wish I had someone who knows what they're doing to go with me. (Sarah!!!!!)
2. I hope this doesn't ruin my day.
3. I have to run today.

♥

Weigh In Wednesday

2011-11-09T07:43:00.000-06:00

Last week: 184.8
This week. 184.4

I'm not working hard enough and I know it.

♥

Cereal?

2011-11-07T11:56:00.000-06:00

I decided to eat a bowl of cereal for my snack just now.... I was kind of worried about whether or not this was a good idea because I was sure there was sugar in it. It was some kind of new chex....honey crisp chex or something. 9 grams of sugar in one serving. Does this count against my no sugar intake? Or am I going a little overboard. I mean the main thing I wanted to cut out was sweets or excess sugar. And 9 grams isn't really that much, especially if my dad who is diabetic bought the cereal so he could eat it. Anyway, I'm feeling a little bit guilty about it. I almost couldn't even eat the whole bowl though because it was kind of sweet tasting and almost a little too much for me. Which I guess is an improvement, I mean it's only been a week and my body is already adjusting to my not eating very much sugar. I just hope that little taste from the cereal wasn't enough to make me really crave something later this afternoon. Earlier today I was thinking about how passing up the candy bowl was getting easier and easier every day. But I didn't want to jinx myself by saying it out loud.... and here I am saying it out loud. Maybe I should stop being so superstitious.

♥

Sunday Struggles

2011-11-06T21:41:00.002-06:00

You know those moments when you say something and you have no idea why you said it and then you mentally smack yourself in the forehead with the palm of your hand, wishing you had just kept your mouth shut? Well that was me last night. I don't know why I felt the need to talk about the fact that the guy I dated for 2 months a year ago decided to kind of contact me via my photography page on fb. I didn't feel like I wanted to respond but I thought it would be rude not to so I was sort of struggling with that. And at the same time I didn't want him to think that my response meant it was ok for him to keep contacting me, because it's not. But for some reason I felt the need to tell someone about it and as soon as I mentioned it I was wishing I hadn't. It was awkward and I have no idea why. It was weird and then again it wasn't. And then I started worrying about whether or not the person I told was wondering why I was telling him in the first place. I don't know why I wanted to talk about it but I did and he's the person I talk to the most often so I wanted to tell him. I guess I also wanted some input on whether or not I should respond to my ex's comment. But he was confused about what it was exactly I was confused about.... and to be quite honest so was I. I still am. All I know is that as the conversation went on between my friend and I, I found myself getting irritated. It's quite frustrating to not understand what it is exactly that you're feeling. When I was younger I never understood really what was going on inside of me emotionally. I just didn't know myself that well and I didn't know how to communicate. So I feel like if you don't know how to communicate then there's no way of really being able to communicate with yourself. But I do feel like I've come a long way in terms of communication and being able to better understand myself. So when I find myself in situations where I have no idea what the hell is going or what it is I'm thinking when I decide to blurt something out it ends up being quite frustrating. And I immediately want to try and clear things up and yet clearing things up seems impossible. Towards the end of the conversation I blurted out something about how I just never think of myself as being the kind of person that other people think about. I don't see why I would be someone that another person is thinking enough about a year later to try and find me when I've tried to make myself invisible to them. This is when, in my mind, the conversation got a little bit heated. I wanted to take my words back because for one it was a stupid girly thing for me to say. And he seemed irritated with me and mad even though he said he wasn't. But at the same time it really was what I was thinking and feeling. I'm still trying to figure it all out. The conversation pretty much ended there because it was headed in a direction that the two of us have to stay away from. The topic of "us" at least I think that's the topic we have to stay away from. Sometimes I just don't know. And sometimes I just wish I could take whole conversations back. Especially the ones that I don't even know or understand why they occurred. And all day I've just been feeling like someone who isn't me. If I can't read and understand myself how can I ever expect someone else to understand me and how could I ever expect to understand another person.

♥

2010

2011-11-06T10:43:00.000-06:00

This is what I was doing around this time last year. Taking pictures in my backyard.

♥

Fries?

2011-11-05T12:04:00.001-05:00

I should probably give up eating french fries..............................................but seriously, why would I do a crazy thing like that!?

I've been eating really badly for the last couple of days and by badly I just mean I've had fast food two days in a row and fast food means lots of french fries. It probably doesn't do me any good to give up sugar and then still eat badly. But then again it's only been two days and I can't work on everything all at once. Baby steps. First the sugar and then I'll tackle something else. And let me just say, I'm hoping that cutting out sugar for a month will help me to have better control over it in the future. I know I most likely won't give up sugar for life. I would like to be able to have it from time to time in moderation.

Does powerade count as a sugary beverage? I know it has sugar in it so maybe I shouldn't have it?

♥

Goals

2011-11-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

I had written out a very long post that consisted of me complaining about someone and some things. But I decided it wasn't very nice to put all of that out here when I haven't really talked to that person about it yet. All I know is I'm annoyed.

But what I really want to post are my goals for the month!

November Goals:
1. No sugar. This means no candy, no baked goods, no sugary beverages, no desserts in a cup- aka pumpkin spice lattes, salted caramel mochas, caramel frappuccinos etc. etc. However I have had some all natural apple cider to help with the sugar cravings, I feel like this is ok because there's no added sugar. It's just the apples. But sometimes I wonder if I can have orange juice?
2. Work on product photography portfolio.
3. Which means I have to do more personal shoots.
4. Work on my resume....yikes.
5. Run 2 miles without stopping. (I can so do this! Right?)
6. Work on all the handmade gifts I have in mind for Christmas.
7. Have December's list of goals made before December actually hits.

Those things seem doable right? The hardest is probably the sugar. It's been 4 days with no sweets! Not even fruit snacks, which I LOVE by the way. And I didn't eat the apple pie my dad bought. I haven't even had any sugary drinks. I don't normally drink them anyway but occasionally I'll be on this kick where I just need something carbonated and my fave is rootbeer. That's it for now before I start rambling again. I've already started writing down some goals for December and for the new year in general!

♥

Brown Pants

2011-11-04T08:34:00.000-05:00

Fitting into a pair of pants that were too tight to even zip up this time last year = a good day.

I bought these pants when I was in Seattle and started working in an actual office rather than a cafe. They aren't too dressy and not to casual either. I don't know how to explain what they are but they're actually more comfortable than my jeans and workout pants. Not as comfortable as pajamas though... I mean what's more comfortable than that? Anyway, with all the weight I gained in my last 6 months in Seattle these pants wouldn't fit me and for some reason I kept them. Last year I tried wearing them and they were super tight. When I first started losing weight at the beginning of this year I tried wearing them again and they fit better but were still a little too tight for my liking. I decided to try them again today and voila! they fit and have a little extra room. Now my only worry with them is whether or not they look faded :( Oh well, I'm wearing them. I have a photo session today and I want to be comfortable!

Even though up until recently I had been slacking with my working out and eating it's nice to know that I did in fact accomplish something this year. I lost 20 pounds for goodness sake, I need to find the balance between beating myself up and just simply challenging myself.

I'll post my goals for the month later today. I gotta go!

♥

The Trouble with Apple Pie

2011-11-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

I can't eat sugar until Thanksgiving.
I didn't really declare this to my family because when I first mentioned it to my mom she kind of laughed and said yeah right.
Tonight my dad brought home KFC for dinner....
Which included 2 small hot apple pies.
One for mom. One for me.
...............................................................
I can't eat it.
But I can't not eat it.
This is a reoccurring issue I have.
It's also an example of how food can equal love.
If I eat it I feel terrible because of the goal I've set for myself.
If I don't eat it I feel terrible because my dad looked at the menu and must have thought "I bet they would love some apple pie" and so he brought home apple pie.
I don't actually know if his feelings would be hurt by my not eating it. But I feel like they would be.
My family doesn't communicate that well.
I'm damned if I eat it.
I'm damned if I don't.
It's bad enough I absentmindedly took a sip of Drake's hot chocolate this afternoon because he asked me to test it to make sure it wasn't too hot to drink.
I feel bad about this whole apple pie thing.

♥

Harmful or Harmless?

2011-11-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

We've all heard that rule somewhere about not eating passed 7pm right? I don't know... it's supposed to help you lose weight or something. Well because I've given up sweets for the month I'm most likely not going to be eating anything after dinner. And the fact that I'm not eating sweets and I'm trying to eat on a schedule it just comes naturally to be a little more mindful about what I'm eating and when. So chances are I'm not going to eat anything after dinner because I'll probably choose something not good for me. Only because I need the healthy food I do have to last and I'd rather use it up during the day time meals than use it on a snack that I may not really need at 10pm. For the last few days or so I've been sticking to the rule of not eating passed 7pm and if I do then it's not passed 8. It just kind of depends on when we have dinner.

I'm usually not in bed until 11 or 12. This means I've already gone like 5 hours without eating which goes against the eating every 3 hours rule. And during these 5 hours I try to drink water and usually a couple cups of tea but not enough to keep me up all night running to the bathroom. But by the time I actually get to bed I'm hungry...really really hungry. I ignore it and go to bed anyway and even though I'm trying to get my sleep routine under control I never get up when I'm supposed to. I would like to get up at 6 but I'm trying to ease into it so I set my alarm for 7 and don't get up until 8. This means I've now gone a total of 13ish hours of no food. This can't be good for the body. I woke up this morning with a terrible headache and that feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel like I'm so hungry I could throw up and doing anything other than lying in bed completely still with my eyes closed is going to make me sick. I don't know if the headache is related to the lack of food in my body or if it's a migraine or if it's both. All I know is it sucks.

The fact that we go so long without eating while we sleep is why eating breakfast is so important. We're fasting for 8 hours or however many hours we actually sleep. You know, break fast = breakfast. I understand that and I get that. And even though lately I've been very conscious of what I eat in the mornings it was even worse today because I had thoughts like this running through my head:

I just went 13 hours without any food.
My body is now in starvation mode.
Which means I have to be very careful about what I choose to eat.
This could be the moment when I gain back some weight.
This could be the moment when the weight I gain back is fat.
I can't have peanut butter with my oatmeal because there's fat in it.
Or does it matter since it's supposed to be "good" fat?
I'll go with the plain non-fat greek yogurt.
oatmeal.
blueberries.
It's usually pretty good.
I can't wait for this nauseousness to go away so I can have a cup of coffee.

So my question is, is not eating passed 7pm going to put my body in starvation mode? Is it going to make me feel like throwing up in the morning? Is it helping me or hurting me? Or is it something I just have to get used to? Or is that rule set for people who actually go to bed at a decent time? Or am I just completely crazy and over thinking things?

That's a lot of questions in one question :) I never planned on following the 7pm rule it just kind of fell into my lap. The Eat Clean Diet says you can have a snack at night if you need it but the timing for my snack and the time I go to bed would just fall to closely together on most nights and it just doesn't seem right to go to bed after eating something. Even if it is a healthy snack. This is probably why I need to get my sleep schedule under control but that issue needs a post of it's own. I guess we'll see how things go today. I had my breakfast and I'm still hungry which worries me. I don't want to fall into a binge fest later and I definitely don't want to have any sweets when I'm only 3 days into the month. I may have to have a snack at night just to make sure I stay on track the next day.

I don't know this life style change stuff is so very complicated sometimes.

♥

My first weigh in Wednesday

2011-11-02T08:31:00.000-05:00

Or is it Wednesday weigh in?

Anyway I weighed myself as soon as I got up this morning. I always read that you should weigh first thing in the morning but honestly I don't know how realistic that is because when do we not have food or drink in our bellies adding to the weight? But then again there's a part of me that wants to say this is how much I weigh! The food and drink doesn't matter. I don't know what's right or wrong here all I know is that I got on the scale and I have to accept what it said and stop trying to find a way to prove it wrong.

My usual weight: 186.4
Today: 184.8

It's going to take everything in me not to get on the scale later or tomorrow just to make sure it hasn't gone back up.

♥

1 Day Down...

2011-11-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

.....22 to go. 22 more days of no sugar. Today only got hard once the afternoon came around and the kids were here digging through all our extra Halloween candy. To help with the craving I had a cup of all natural apple cider. Hopefully this was an ok substitution. I had some blueberries with my breakfast and one of those little cups of some all natural no sugar added applesauce as one of my snacks. But no candy, no cookies, no sweets of any kind. And I tried to keep on my eating schedule of small meals every 3 hours. Which is hard because I had dinner around 6:30 and now I'm on the verge of starving. If I eat anything tonight chances are I'll make the wrong choice so I'm just trying to stay hydrated and I'll probably go to bed soon. It's only 10pm but I'm trying to put myself on a routine anyway so it's good. Plus I really am very tired. My workout totally killed me today and I can only imagine how wonderfully sore I'm going to be in the morning. The only thing I forgot to do was squats...but I suppose I can work those in next time.

As far as my monthly goals go I haven't made much of a decision other than the whole sugar thing. But luckily for me Sarah has decided to join me in the no sugar til we have Thanksgiving pie challenge! It's nice to feel like someone is in it with you and can understand everything. Oh and speaking of Sarah, I think I've decided to take part in the weigh in Wednesday thing. Which means whatever the scale says tomorrow morning is where my starting point is. I can only hope it hasn't gone up any. Other than that I do have some goals swirling around in my head that aren't food and weight related I'm just trying to work out the details in my head so the goals are realistic.

♥